Does it really not make any sense?

Question

I had written a personal statement, the first comment I got from the professor that I have to work on my English.

Quote:

I will strongly advice you to revise the English of the personal statement. Right now it does not make sense. Work with someone more proficient in English to improve the statement.

This seems a rather strong statement.
Could someone identify the issues? and help me fix them

Personal Statement

Philosophically I am interested in Wisdom¹ Management. In addition to knowledge management, we have to enable systems to use that knowledge for identification of the problems, their solutions and their limitations. Harnessing distributely² defined and represented knowledge in complex networks; identifying semantic similarities and differences in multiple definitions of concepts poses a real challenge for the state of technology.More focally I am interested in working with Dr. John Doe in the area of semantic web.

I am interested in joining the academia for a full time profession in contrast to as the part time professional teaching (and some research) activities I have been engaged in the last decade or so. I believe that my abilities would be better put to use in a purely research and teaching environment.The reason I am applying for the MCSc program is that I am interested in applying for the PhD program afterwards. Deficiently the master’s degree I have is a co-op industrial terminal degree. Although the degree has benefited me in my industrial experiences, it is not a sufficient research oriented credential for doctoral studies.I have been introduced to Dr. Doe by one of my professors and his areas of research and particularly direct utilization of theoretical knowledge in benefit of the collective vis-à-vis system informatics interest me. Hence my interest in Utopia University.I am attaching my detailed resume herewith.

1. The trait of utilizing knowledge and experience with common sense and insight [http://wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn?s=wisdom ]
2. Distributedly as opposed to centrally or authoritatively, could not find a better replacement for the word,

I will appreciate any responses.

RayH · Accepted Answer

Welcome to the forums symfar. I hate to have to say this in response to your first post but your professor is right. This reads like a bunch of buzz-words strung together by someone who has no idea what they mean. I wouldn't even know where to start in advising you to correct it. Possibly you could state simply and in plain language what you mean to say and we could go from there in revising it.

Symfar · Answer

Thank you Ray.

Although I still do not agree that there is no semantic content in my statement, let me try rephrasing what I meant

Personal Statement

My interest lies in the field of Knowledge Management. By knowledge management I understand the practices and systems for identification, creation, representation, and distribution of knowledge, the know-how of any specific domain.

Philosophically, appropriate application of knowledge in a given context (Wisdom¹) is the real goal, hence Wisdom Management. I believe that this would comprise of defining practices that enable systems to systematically identify problems, solutions to those problems and limitations of those solutions from Knowledge management systems.

One of the bigger challenges in this domain, is distributed nature of knowledge. Any definition of a given concept can also be defined by someone else (distributedly² defined) with some similarities and some differences. Also those definition could be placed in disparate systems (distributedly² represented). For any system to unify these multiple definitions and to be able to work across inter-system knowledge, identifying theses semantic similarities and differences is of essence. I understand that the state of the technology still needs to be elevated in order to accomplish this task to a sufficient degree of usefulness.

Having identified a general area of my interest, I am interested in working with Dr. John Doe in the area of semantic web.

For a career I am interested in joining the academia on a full time basis in contrast to the part time basis of teaching (and some research) activities I have been engaged for the last decade or so. I believe that my abilities would be better put to use in a purely research and teaching environment.

The reason I am applying for the MCSc program is that I am interested in applying for the PhD program afterwards. The master’s degree I have is dificient in a way that it is a co-op industrial terminal degree. Although the degree has benefited me in my industrial experiences, it is not a sufficient research oriented credential to enable me to get admit for doctoral studies.

I have been introduced to Dr. Doe by one of my professors and his areas of research and particularly direct utilization of theoretical knowledge in benefit of the collective vis-à-vis system informatics interest me. Hence my interest in Utopia University.

I am attaching my detailed resume herewith.

1. The trait of utilizing knowledge and experience with common sense and insight [http://wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn?s=wisdom ]
2. Distributedly as opposed to centrally or authoritatively, could not find a better replacement for the word,

Do you find this more comprehensible?

RayH · Answer

symfarDo you find this more comprehensible?

I will repeat and expand my original suggestion. State clearly, in plain language, and without buzz-words what it is you are attempting to say.
Alternatively, define, in plain language, each buzz-word you think you simply must use. A good rule of thumb in determining how well you understand your subject is that you can explain it to a non-specialist in terms that are understandable.

Symfar · Answer

Could you please identify any word(s) that you feel is a buzz-word?

On a general note, does it need to be understandable to non-specialists when I am writing a statement for specialists in the field? How important is to provide explanations of concepts to specialists in a statement of purpose? Couldn't it be treated demeaning to the expertise of the audience, i.e. senior university professors.

Thanks for your interest.

Nona the brit · Answer

That version is much much better. The first was almost incomprehensible.

I think it's fine to use relevant jargon in these applications but you need to be very sure that you are using these words 100% correctly. I think you mainly ran into problems in your first version, not when you were using accepted topical jargon, but were inventing ways of expressing yourself that just don't make sense to other people.

There are a few little grammatical blips still that you need to sort out. Otherwise, the only 'comprehension' problem I can see is your continued use of 'distributed' - you state yourself you weren't sure about the use of this word, and it doesn't work here. Or you need to clarify it further - widely/narrowly/unevenly/whatever distribution.

Symfar · Answer

Thanks for your comments Nona. I really appreciate it.

I had used the word "distributedly" as an adverb knowingly that it is not a standard word, although I have seen some technical papers to use the word "distributedly". The word "distributed", as an adjective, is used very commonly In the field of Computer Science with special technical meaning. I am not sure that the correct word "distributively" could be used here in the specific technical sense I want to use it in.

Now I see that since I have already parenthesized the phrases, I could use (distrbuted definition) and (distributed representation) wihtout violating the language or the sentences. Please comment.

Also, it would be nice if you could narrow down the location of the grammatical blips, so I could correct them. (It would be help to me if you may correct them, if, of course, you can spare some more time).

Thanks

Faisal

Anonymous · Answer

Yes it is awkward to read, difficult to grasp and needs a lot of help with grammar. Also sometimes you use words which perhaps are intended to create urgency or to show importance but kinda go off the mark and sound pretentious. Some words or phrases are arcahic, not in use anymore. I have marked in purple especailly certain words and phrases that could be reworked and suggestionsThere's a lot more to be done however I apologize can't tear myself away from work! -Maggie

Philosophically I am interested in Wisdom¹ Management. In addition to knowledge management, we have to enable systems to use that knowledge for identification of the problems, their solutions and their limitations. Harnessing distributely² defined and represented knowledge in complex networks; identifying semantic similarities and differences in multiple definitions of concepts poses a real challenge for the state of technology.

More focally I am interested in working with Dr. John Doe in the area of semantic web.

I am interested (repeated phrase) in joining the academia for a full time profession in contrast to as the part time professional teaching (and some research) activities I have been engaged in the last decade or so. (Very long sentence, use shorter sentences.) I believe that my abilities would be better put to use in a purely research and teaching environment.

The reason I am applying for the MCSc program is that I am interested in applying for the PhD program afterwards. Deficiently the master’s degree I have is a co-op industrial terminal degree. Although the degree has benefited me in my industrial experiences, it is not a sufficient research oriented credential for doctoral studies. (I want to work toward, intend to, I intend to work on )

I have been introduced to Dr. Doe by one of my professors and his areas of research and particularly direct utilization of theoretical knowledge in benefit of the collective vis-à-vis system informatics interest me. Hence my interest in Utopia University.

I am attaching my detailed resume herewith.

Does it really not make any sense?

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