Discourse Marker

Hi everybody,

I had to write an essay on following subject:

“Most people think that being famous is heaven, but in fact it’s more like hell” What do you think?

So, here it is:

To be famous is a dream widespread among people. Admittedly, to have money, a great big house, fast car, to be well known, to be loved and worshiped by many – it does sounds like a dream, but, as it is said, beware what you dream, your dreams might come true. The paradise, as it is seen from outside, might become hell when you lives in it.
However, when someone who can indulge themselves with everything they want – can buy any high-tech gadjets, or go to any exotic place they can think of, that makes those kinds of people considerably well-off. But when those people are well known to the society and everything they have done is discussed, and they are given as an example by ones, and taken as role models by others, then they are famous.
Anyway, being famous has its bad sides as well. Having no private life is one of the heaviest loads a famed person is forced to carry. Furthermore, things like being at unwanted places in unpleasant company and presenting what people want to see just for sustaining their popularity is something that famous people face every day.
All in All, when someone, a person of such wealth and popularity, has the opportunity to afford a luxurious living, to be privileged to speak as an authority and to be adored by many, they should be prepared to face the intrusions into their private lives, to wears mask they didn’t like, and to be hated by some. Basically, to be known by a few people, and to have a lunch in Paris write after breakfast in Rome and before dinner in London is not such a bad thing, as long as you do it because that is who you are, and not for satisfying people’s need to see the person they have dreamt to be.

Any comments will be appreciated.

Thanks in advanced.

PS I had to use discourse markers - that was one of the requirements.