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New2grammar Posted 18 years ago
Grammar

Devastation finale

Without wasting much time, I moved on with my assignment, taking pictures of destroyed homes, survivors and the seriously hit delta. When night fell, we slipped out of the area, leaving them behind, hungry and wondering what their future would be. Hopefully, this story will show to the world how inhumane the regime is and bring some changes to the victims.

Are there any mistakes?
Thanks.
  

Top answer

Just a couple of suggestions: I prefer "badly" to "seriously" here. "Them" in the second sentence seems slightly awkward to me because when I hit it I'm not sure which of "homes", "survivors", or "homes + survivors + delta" it might refer to. It becomes clear that it must mean survivors, but by that time I've already formed an image of homes possibly being left hungry and wondering.

— Mr Wordy

  • Just a couple of suggestions: I prefer "badly" to "seriously" here.
  • "Them" in the second sentence seems slightly awkward to me because when I hit it I'm not sure which of "homes", "survivors", or "homes + survivors + delta" it might refer to.
  • It becomes clear that it must mean survivors, but by that time I've already formed an image of homes possibly being left hungry and wondering.
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2 Answers
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Just a couple of suggestions:

I prefer "badly" to "seriously" here.

"Them" in the second sentence seems slightly awkward to me because when I hit it I'm not sure which of "homes", "survivors", or "homes + survivors + delta" it might refer to. It becomes clear that it must mean survivors, but by that time I've already formed an image of homes possibly being left hungry and wonderi
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One addition to Mr. Wordy: you've changed subject within the short paragraph (from I to we), which may or may not make a difference, depending on what has come before.
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