Dear Teachers, can you help me with my essay? Thanks a lot!

Dear teachers, I'm Shirley, I'm at grade 5 of my primary school. I posted an essay (I Love Winter) here last week, but I think it might be too long to get your sooner help (?), I'm sorry for that. In below, I tried my best to rewrite it to make it look a little more concise. So, dear teachers, when you have time to look at my work, could you just ignore my previous (I Love Winter), and just give your professional advices on my rewritten work below? Thank you very much!

I Love the Winter in Beijing



I was so happy when it snowed heavily in Beijing



On Jan 3^rd 2010, Beijing had a heavy snow, which was the heaviest snow it had ever had since 1951. And we did not have school on the next day, Jan 4^th. I was so happy at that time, not because of having a day off, but that winter had come at last! Because I love winter.



What is winter like in Beijing



In Beijing, winter is cold, snowy, harsh, and sometimes the cold wind in winter mornings even makes you feel outrageous. But I love winter nevertheless. Why?



Winter is a beautiful and lovely season, when it snows, all buildings, trees, streets… and everything is in white, the whole world becomes white and clean. When you take a deep breath after snow, it makes you feel comfortable and encouraging, life is beautiful!



What can we play in winter?

Everytime when we classmates make a snowman and throw snowballs at each other, we’ll have a great time. Winter is lovely.



Winter is a season of love and kindness



Winter is a season of love and kindness. As we all know, Spring Festival, the most important festival for Chinese people falls on winter days as well. It is when all family members get together, just like Christmas in the West. All people living away from home will go back after a year-long hard work. And all family members will eat big dinners together, with the rejoicing and festivity atmosphere not only filling every household, but spreading to streets and lanes.



Winter is also a hard season to me



Winter is also a hard season to me for its coldness, as it is for many people. But I think the coldness is like difficulties. In our life, there are various difficulties in our way, and we need to overcome many difficulties before we can enjoy a success. So, I love winter, I love working hard to win successes.



What else do I think of today’s winter in Beijing?



Beijing’s winter is getting warmer and warmer except for this winter. I heard it is because of the global warming effect. I think, in order to make things better, people should travel together more and more, for example, we can go to school by subway or by bus rather than by cars everyday. The earth is our home, we have to look after it.