Dear Mentor I would be thankful if you could correct my paragraph, regards

Question

Whatever I said she didn't seem to be convinced, in order to catch me, she directly climbed on top of the rubble, while one hand making efforts to stay in balance on the ruble, on the other hand, she tried to climb up the wall. But she couldn't make it to the wall. Meanwhile, the black smoke rising above the rubble was slowly swirling around the legs of the old hag and began to make its way steadily upward. I couldn't even bring myself to go home with this sense of guilt; I never wanted my mother see this and accuse me. The smoke rose up to the back of the old woman. Women still did not notice it yet.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

(Revision based on US usage.)

Whatever I said in apology, she completely ignored. She was intent on catching me and climbed onto the rubble pile to get over the wall NS into our garden. She was having a hard time, however. She had to keep one hand on the rubble for balance and pull herself up the wall with the other hand. And she wasn't making much headway. Moreover, smoke from the fire in the rubble pile was swirling around her legs, and up her back, and she wasn't noticing it. I was starting to get worried. What if she fell and hurt herself? My mother would then blame me for it.

Osmancataloluk · Answer

Dear Mentor Anonymus,
Thanks a lot for your kind correction. However there are two points left to be discus; or to tell the truth, learn about if it is correct to write in this style. But before that I want to lear what NS you put in explanation up there stands for?
Secondly, in the story there was no fire,
this is the real story I lived through, the smoke came out nowhere! Since you did not know the whole story you thought that it was because of fire, actually it was not.
The story goes like this,
I raised my voice and called her, “Mem, your hen jumped on the wall, and I don't want it to land in our garden.” First there was no answer. She looked at me blankly with widely opened eyes, it was obvious that her vision was fluctuating and couldn’t see me clearly. I asked her again. She didn’t seem to understand what I tried to do. I knew she was thick-skinned enough to cope with. I had to raise my voice to make her heard better, "Mem, your hen is on the wall and I'm trying to direct it back to your side," I shouted. She paused for a while. Then came the answer; “Don't interfere with my hen! It is not your business where it lands! Did I ask your help?” she replied. The answer was full of anger and threat. She was scolding me instead of thanking me for my efforts to help her silly hen. “Do you hear me? Do you understand what I’m trying to say?” I said angrily. I had talked firmly but sharply. What she did, in return, was to start swearing and yelling at me. At that very moment, the hen that I had thrown a pebble at and hit, squawked and flew back into it’s owner’s garden. The old hag, upon hearing the sound of her hen, threw a fit. Shouting and cursing at me, she walked toward the pile of rubble at the corner of the garden. It was obvious that she would try to climb and get to the top of the wall. She was set on taking revenge on me for hitting her hen. But the hen was as annoying as the hag herself, and I was justified in throwing a stone at it. But she couldn't make it to the wall. Whatever I said in apology, she completely ignored. She was intent on catching me and climbed onto the rubble pile to get over the wall into our garden. She was having a hard time, however. She had to keep one hand on the rubble for balance and pull herself up the wall with the other hand. And she wasn’t making much headway. Meanwhile, a black smoke came out from nowhere rising from the rubble was slowly swirling around her legs, and up her back, and she wasn’t noticing it. I was starting to get worried. What if she entered in the garden and made her way to our home to quarrel and clash with my mother? My mother would then blame me for it. I couldn't even bring myself to go home with this sense of guilt; I never wanted my mother accuse me for such nonsense things. She thought that attacking her hen was a deadly sin, and that, I think, was the last straw for her. However, she was much older then she thought and was not able to climb over the wall with the strength she had in her muscles. I knew she was wrong in her thought but who would care about it for now? If her hen was slain, she would want to slay me in return which was an obvious revenge. And she thought it would be just right for her. I did not dare say since I hesitated from her. "the smoke" "Which smoke?" "Don't you see it's swirling around your legs?" "I can't see nothing, Is that one of your tricks, playing on me?" "Get out of that heap, you will be burned!" "If come to you, you will see who is going to be burned!" It was obvious that she couldn't see the smoke. Then I realized myself that there was no fire under the heap and I couldn't see any flames. "So what was that? What was all this about?" I said to myself. I started to become scared myself too. Meanwhile, smoke rose slowly until it reached to the level of her heart at her back, then, infiltrate into her body, and went out of sight. As soon as this happened, the old hag started to change. Her countenance became hard and robust, her body grew larger, and her skin darker and her eyes color became red after flushing of blood into her eyes.
So based on this contex, does the smoke go with the contex, I mean is it clear what I want to say?
Please tell me your suggestions.
regards
osman

Anonymous · Answer

The "NS" is a typing error.  It should be "and."   In a supernatural context, smoke coming out of nowhere would fit.  However, it would seem that this mysterious smoke and its strange properties should then be the focus of the paragraph, not the incidental squabble over the hen, which takes up most of the narrative.

Osmancataloluk · Answer

Dear Mentor,
Thank you very much for your nice helps. Yes, You are hundred percent true, incidental squabble seems to be the focus but in the following paragraph it should be the focus. This beginning part is intended to arouse the anxiety of the reader like you. Now there are two questions left:
1- is the grammmar of the above sentence is okay for you?
2- Did I achive what I intended? (I mean Did I make readers aroused their worry and anxiety?
Based on this what would be your helps?
thanks and regards
osman

Dear Mentor I would be thankful if you could correct my paragraph, regards

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