Critical review of motivational letter for Ph.D. needed

Question

Dear experts, please critically review my motivation letter for a Ph.D. studies in Padova. I am thankful for any comments, corrections and improvements.

Dear Ph.D. board members,
I am applying for the scholarship at the PhD Programme Land, Environment, Resources and Health (LERH) starting in the autumn 2016.
I completed the academic Master studies of Forest Policy and Economics (FOPER) in 2014. I stood out from my colleagues by critical thinking, high adaptability and very fast learning. My excellency and dedication to studies are reflected in the highest average grade (nine and 62/100) in the class. I am also proud on additional courses I completed, as I got understanding of various social theories and statistical methods and earned additional ECTS points.
Fascinated by the various forms of governance, I researched a network of organisations dealing with anti-corruption measures in Serbia. During the studies, network analysis intrigued me with explanatory power of various relations among policy actors. I successfully applied it in my Master thesis and my work was reworded with exciting knowledge on roles of actors, institutions, and power.
After graduation, I moved to Slovenia and started to work at the Slovenian Forestry Institute, the Department of Forest Techniques and Economics. Work led me from forest governance to renewable energy. During past two years, I acquired high level of knowledge about wood biomass production, processing and use, as this is one of the main topics of the Department I work. I developed extraordinary skills in project preparation, management and implementation while preparing and submitting research and applicative projects to EU funding programmes.
As our department has strong links to practice, I had an opportunity to witness the importance of local actors and common actions during biomass projects’ implementation. This fact re-woke my hunger for researching the relations between local communities and institutions shaping their actions and choices. I strongly believe that could be the driver of social changes for successful reaction to the global challenges.
I had the pleasure to be tough by several professors from the Territorio e Sistemi Agro-Forestali and am delighted with their methods and way of teaching. LERH Programme offers the topic that suits my interests, as well as Professors that are experts in the field of governance and network analysis. In researching the topic ‘The role of social innovation in enhancing the adaptation capacity of rural communities to climate change’ I would like to also involve Prof. Dr. XY from University of Freiburg as a third supervisor. I am confident that I will exceed your expectations due to academic knowledge and interpersonal skills I possess.
I am looking forward to your positive selection.
Sincerely,

Clive · Accepted Answer

I just want to make one high-level comment.

You seem to have written mainly about your past experiences and achievements. Have you considered writing more about what you want to achieve in your future PhD studies?

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Dear Ph.D. Board Members,
I am applying for a scholarship (If the scholarship has a name, then use "the." eg. the Kelson Harrison Memorial Scholarship) for the PhD Programme: Land, Environment, Resources and Health (LERH) starting in the autumn 2016.
I completed the academic master studies of Forest Policy and Economics (FOPER) (where?) in 2014. I stood out from my colleagues with my critical thinking, high adaptability and very fast learning. My excellency and dedication to studies are reflected in my achievement of the highest average grade (~~nine and 62/100~~) in the class (9.62). I am also proud of the additional courses I completed, as I acquired the understanding of various social theories and statistical methods and earned additional ECTS points.

Fascinated by the various forms of governance, I researched a network of organisations dealing with anti-corruption measures in Serbia. ~~During the studies,~~ Network analysis intrigued me because of its explanatory power of various relations among policy actors. I successfully applied it in my master's thesis and my work was reworded (you wrote it in other words? Do you mean "rewarded"? That does not fit, because you do not mention any award that your thesis won. ) with exciting knowledge on roles of actors, institutions, and power.

After graduation, I moved to Slovenia and started to work at the Slovenian Forestry Institute, ~~the~~ Department of Forest Techniques and Economics. Work assignments led me from the subject of forest governance to renewable energy. During the past two years, I acquired a high level of knowledge about wood biomass production, processing and use~~, as this is~~ ~~one of the main topics of the Department I work~~. I developed extraordinary skills in project preparation, management and implementation while preparing and submitting research and applicative projects to EU funding programmes.
As our department has strong links to practice, I had an opportunity to witness the importance of local actors (local people's participation?) and common actions (??) during biomass projects’ implementation. This (These experiences) ~~fact~~ kindled ~~re-woke~~ my hunger for researching the relations between local communities and institutions shaping their actions and choices. I strongly believe that (your interest in research is a driver for social change?) could be the driver of social changes for a successful reaction to the global challenges.

I had the pleasure to be tough by several professors from the Territorio e Sistemi Agro-Forestali and am delighted by their methods and ways of teaching. LERH Programme offers ~~the~~ topics that suit my interests, as well as professors that are experts in the field of governance and network analysis. In researching the topic ‘The role of social innovation in enhancing the adaptation capacity of rural communities to climate change’ I would like to also involve Prof. Dr. XY from University of Freiburg as a third (who are the first two?) supervisor. I am confident that I will exceed your expectations due to academic knowledge and interpersonal skills I possess.

I am looking forward to your positive selection. (Are you applying for a scholarship, admittance to the programme or both?)

Toshicaa · Answer

Dear Clive, thank you so much for your comment. It is really missing. I added just a couple of sentences at the end. Do you think it is enough?

I had the pleasure to be taught by several professors from the Territorio e Sistemi Agro-Forestali and am delighted by their methods and ways of teaching. LERH Programme offers topics that suit my interests, as well as professors that are experts in the field of governance and network analysis. In researching the topic ‘The role of social innovation in enhancing the adaptation capacity of rural communities to climate change’ I would like to also involve Prof. Dr. XY from University of Freiburg as a third supervisor. This PhD topic gives me the possibility to extend my research from forestry to other environmental sectors. Most importantly it brings me the joy of continuing to work in the fields of network analysis with strong accent on social aspects of forestry and community learning. I am confident that I will exceed your expectations due to academic knowledge and interpersonal skills I possess.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

This PhD degree / thesis would give me the possibility to extend my research from forestry to other environmental sectors.

What is your ambition after your degree? (Research? teaching? Leadership in government?)

I am confident that I will exceed your expectations due to the academic knowledge and interpersonal skills I possess.

Toshicaa · Answer

Thank you very much for your improvements. I accepted your corrections and added information - bold text. Answers to your questions are in the text below (Italic). Here is the new version:

Dear PhD Board Members,

I am applying for a scholarship for the PhD Programme: Land, Environment, Resources and Health (LERH) starting in the autumn 2016. (There is no name for the scholarship.)

I completed the academic master studies of Forest Policy and Economics (FOPER) at the University of Belgrade, Faculty of Forestry in 2014. I stood out from my colleagues with my critical thinking, high adaptability and very fast learning. My excellency and dedication to studies are reflected in my achievement of the highest average grade in the class (9.62). I am also proud of the additional courses I completed, as I acquired the understanding of various social theories and statistical methods and earned additional ECTS points.

Fascinated by the various forms of governance, I researched a network of organisations dealing with anti-corruption measures in Serbia. Network analysis intrigued me because of its explanatory power of various relations among policy actors. I successfully applied it in my master's thesis and my work resulted in exciting knowledge on roles of actors, institutions, and power.

After graduation, I moved to Slovenia and started to work at the Slovenian Forestry Institute, Department of Forest Techniques and Economics. Work assignments led me from the subject of forest governance to renewable energy. During the past two years, I acquired a high level of knowledge about wood biomass production, processing and use. I developed extraordinary skills in project preparation, management and implementation while preparing and submitting research and applicative projects to EU funding programmes.

As our department has strong links to practice, I had an opportunity to witness the importance of local communities and their joint actions during biomass projects’ implementation. These experiences kindled my hunger for researching the relations between local communities and institutions shaping their actions and choices. I strongly believe that those institutions can be one of the main drivers of social changes for a successful reaction to the global challenges.

I had the pleasure to be taught by several professors from the Territorio e Sistemi Agro-Forestali and am delighted by their methods and ways of teaching. LERH Programme offers topics that suit my interests, as well as professors that are experts in the field of governance and network analysis. In researching the topic ‘The role of social innovation in enhancing the adaptation capacity of rural communities to climate change’ I would like to also involve Prof. Dr. XY from University of Freiburg as a third supervisor. (The names of the first two supervisors are determined by the Faculty and are already known. DO I need to mention them here?) This PhD topic gives me the possibility to extend my research from forestry to other environmental sectors. Most importantly it brings me the joy of continuing to work in the fields of network analysis with strong accent on social aspects of forestry and community learning. I am confident that I will exceed your expectations due to academic knowledge and interpersonal skills I possess.

I am looking forward to your positive selection. (Are you applying for a scholarship, admittance to the programme or both?) I am applying for both: the programme and scholarship. I am not sure how to make it clear in the first sentence.

Clive · Answer

Let me begin by saying I don't know your field, and I've never applied to a PhD program. So you are in a better position to decide what is needed than I am.
But . . . your small addition at the end seems very inadequate to me.
If this is truly meant to be a motivational letter, it should focus on your motives for wanting to do this research.
In other words, focus on 'I want to do this because, because, because'. Mention some of your best past achievements, but leave a lot of that stuff to your CV.
I think they will look for candidates with enthusiasm and with fresh ideas. Do you agree?

Clive

AlpheccaStars · Answer

ToshicaaI am applying for both: the programme and scholarship. I am not sure how to make it clear in the first sentence.

I am applying for admission to the PhD Programme: Land, Environment, Resources and Health (LERH) starting in the autumn 2016 and a full scholarship / financial aid.

ToshicaaI would like to also involve Prof. Dr. XY from University of Freiburg as a third supervisor.

I would like to also involve Prof. Dr. XY from University of Freiburg as an additional supervisor / external advisor.

I agree with Clive's comments. There could be more examples and evidence or "proof" of the authenticity of your motivation

Toshicaa · Answer

Thank you both for your help. I will continue to work on my letter tomorrow. Now I have to run to prepare for the work tomorrow.

Critical review of motivational letter for Ph.D. needed

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