Cover Letter, help needed

Question

Hi everybody, I need help with my cover letter. I'm trying to enroll in a postgraduate course and I'd like some expert user to read it for me. Any comment would be useful. Thanks

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am applying to the program **** starting in ****. After reviewing several graduate programs and speaking with current students and alumni of your program, I am convinced that **** is the right choice to help me achieve my career goals.

A traditional program of studies in an Italian high school gave me at the same time a sound knowledge of the basic elements of European culture and history, and a fairly advanced grasp of mathematics, physics and chemistry. This kind of “local” education satisfied my thirst of knowledge about the roots and foundations of the society I was born in. At the same time left me with the profound desire to understand the “global” aspect of our lives, to know more about different countries and cultures around the world.

This is the reason why I enrolled in **** at **** University, a course that gave me the possibility to cultivate my existing linguistic skills in English, while simultaneously allowing me to explore the new territory of Chinese Language and Culture. Since the first lesson at university, my passion for Chinese has grown steadily, and after finishing my exams in **** I left immediately and continued my studies in Beijing. I first set foot in China in early September 2010, and I have been here all along –except for a short winter break. In this period of time I’ve been trying with good success and great personal satisfaction to deepen my understanding not only of the Chinese language, but also of the Chinese society and culture.

One of my strongest points is the ability to learn fast and adapt to new situations, and this is especially true when I’m under pressure. For example there was this time, in summer 2008, when I decided to take a one month vacation in the Syrian Arab Republic. I had previously attended a course of Standard Arabic Language for a few months, enough to learn some common phrases and being able to read the Arabic script. I left alone and arrived in Damascus without having booked any hotel room. Nonetheless, in a few days I managed to find a good accommodation in a rented traditional house not only for me, but also for a group of 8 Italian girls that I had met for the first time on the plane on my way there. I remember the month spent there as a full immersion in the Middle East Culture and a great life lesson.

This wasn’t the only time in my life when I voluntarily posed myself in front of a challenge. The first time I left alone to go abroad I had just turned 18. In June 2006 I went to work in a small town called Bude in Cornwall, UK. The only connection I had in town was a friend of a friend that offered me a job as a waiter in the local pub. I managed not only to spend 3 months earning a salary and gaining the praise of my manager, but also to be accepted in the local community and get to know a lot of interesting people, with whom I’m still good friend. This experience helped carve my personality and, again, shows my strong attitude to learn, adapt and face challenge with a positive attitude.

I also possess fairly advanced team work skills. It happened many times in high school that teachers asked my help to organize school trips, since they knew how well I could put together the different needs of my heterogeneous group of classmates and elaborate a solution that could meet everyone’s expectations. I consider myself quite good at coordinating a team in order to reach common objectives. Besides, my international experience taught me how to work with people from different cultural backgrounds.

While my academic studies are vitally important to me, I also nurture extracurricular interests that complete my personality. My sport of election since childhood is tennis. I have played tennis competitively until the age of 19, time when I decided to decrease my commitment to the sport to devote more energy to education and other activities. This sport has taught me, among other things, how to dose my own strength and know my limits. But it also taught me the importance of studying one’s opponent and exploiting his shortcomings. These skills have very often translated into real life situations. Apart from tennis, I also regularly exercise in the gym and I like outdoor sports in general--such as alpine skiing, running and beach volley. My interest for motorbikes is also very deep. I’ve owned and ridden road motorbikes since I was 16 and I developed a great interest for motorbikes competitions, bike touring, bike history and mechanics. My other interests include cinema, politics and philosophy.

I have chosen **** because I think this program has the right characteristics to help me succeed in my career. My aim is to be able to work for a Western (but more specifically Italian) company that operates on the Chinese market. I’ve been building towards this goal from a linguistic and cultural point of view for the past 3-4 years. I am confident that MIEX is the most suitable option to give me the business education I now lack. Moreover, I understand the program has tight links with companies from the Emilia-Romagna motor valley: working for one of these companies would be a dream come true, for it would mean transforming a lifelong passion into my job.

My eagerness to further my education and my propensity to take on new challenges will allow me to fully enjoy the high quality education the program has to offer. My international experience and my solid background will add diversity and enrich the learning environment, while my team work skills will benefit both classmates and teachers. I am confident that I can contribute to the program by bringing positive energy and enthusiasm.

Thank you for considering my application, and I look forward to your acceptance

Sincerely yours

JohnParis · Accepted Answer

Suggestion: it is way too long and inappropriately personal.

Anonymous · Answer

As far as the lenght is concerned, it's the school itself that set the limit at two pages. Do you think I should limit myself at one page anyways?

It is personal: I thought that was the whole point of a motivation letter.

Thanks for your quick reply.

JohnParis · Answer

Please do not forget that your CV and Motivational Covering Letter exist for one purpose and one purpose only: TO GET YOU AN INTERVIEW (i.e. TO GET YOUR FOOT IN THE DOOR).

The motivational letter should describe why you are interested in the position and what qualifications or experience makes you a good fit. It should outline your relevant experience or education and also reflect your enthusiasm and willingness to learn. You can also take the opportunity to highlight a special skill or quality you possess that would be an asset for a candidate seeking the position you want.

Do not make the cover letter too wordy or long. It should be a brief summary of your experience and qualifications highlighting your key strengths or achievements that apply to the particular position. Although a cover letter is an opportunity to express your strengths, goals and motivations, be sure to choose your language carefully and keep the cover letter professional.

I have read literally thousands of CVs and motivational letters in my career and I have hired hundreds of employees. When a candidate’s CV or motivational letter contained information that was too personal, it immediately went into the reject pile, received a form letter of refusal and was thrown into the trash. Are you aware that including certain information in a CV or motivational letter may even be illegal? For example, it is illegal to mention your age on your CV in the United States. By law, certain employers are required to reject a CV if it contains unsolicited or potentially prejudicial information.

One writes a CV and Motivational Letter so that a potential employer will want to respond to you and – at least – give you a call back or – more hopefully – ask you to come in for a face-to-face interview. If you accomplish that, your CV and letter have served their purpose and the rest is up to you. Have you thought about brushing up on your interview skills? I have always counselled skilled candidates to take a week of courses designed to improve their interviewing skills BEFORE posting or emailing their CVs and motivational letters. A great CV or motivational letter won’t help you if you don’t know what to say when the telephone rings asking for a quick chat or if you can come in for an interview.

Think about it.

JohnParis

Anonymous · Answer

The things you say can be easily found everywhere on the net with a simple search on Google --and trust me, I have done that before posting my letter in this forum.

Anyways, I'm afraid that all you write is based on two wrong assumptions. First, the aim of this letter is not to get me an interview; second, I am not seeking a job. I'm not expecting a call back and i won't have to talk face to face with the recruiters. I'm applying to get into a master program and the admission procedure doesn't include a face to face interview or an ulterior stage of any kind. The school will evaluate my admission request solely looking at my credentials, publications, academic record, linguistic certificates, resume and motivation letter.

This is the reason why i think I should use the two pages of my motivation letter fully and express my potential at my best. And it's the school itself that says: "motivation letter maximum 2 pages". Moreover, the motivation letter accounts for A QUARTER of the total score assigned to each candidate. So, it's pretty important.

Sincerely

JohnParis · Answer

Some of the words in two of the paragraphs I wrote to you did, indeed, come for a well-known CV and Motivational letter website. Please excuse me for passing along this information. I obviously misunderstood your intent, and I regret having taken the time to recount my personal experiences.

I sincerely hope that you will be admitted to the program, and if you feel that you should use all the space allotted, then by all means do so. It must be highly stressful knowing that you will not have the opportunity to meet face-to-face with an admissions officer in your quest for acceptance to the program. I still believe that brevity and clarity will help your request. The admissions officer(s) will probably have several requests to consider and one that is succinct might have an advantage. However, only you would know if this may be the case.

Good luck in your endeavours.

JohnParis

Anonymous · Answer

The recounting of our personal experience was absolutely well received, and I apologize if the tone of my reply sounded a bit rude.

I agree with you, brief is good, but at the same time I have a lot of things to say. I'm in a pickle. I guess I'll try to reach a balance between the two sides.

Thanks for sharing your opinions.

A.C.

MountainHiker · Answer

I began reading your letter and stopped half way through. You were telling me a story, "Once upon a time...."

Your challenge is that people are busy. Make it easy for them to reach the right conclusion to admit you. In other words, you need to take a chainsaw to your letter. Just tell me what I need to know.

Here's the start of a series of articles on how to write motivation letters.

Part I links to Part II. In one of the parts, I reference some other students' work.

I will provide some high level comments:

- Please put in artificial names etc. It is easier to read than ***

- No contractions. Don't do this.

- Write out numbers less than 10.

- Change from story telling (diary) to fact based accomplishments and learnings. In other words, tell me what you can do and what you have learned. In the process, you can demonstrate your aptitudes and passions.

You've got the material. You just lack the structure. However, you seem bright, so I expect that this is an easy fix for you.

Anonymous · Answer

Dear MountainHiker

I worked a bit on the grammar, but mainly i clipped the first part in order to eliminate the story-telling feeling. What do you think? Does this help to keep the reader's attention high? The letter in this revised form is also a bit shorter.

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am applying to the program “Kickass Master” starting in September 2011. After reviewing several graduate programs and speaking with current students and alumni of your program, I am convinced that KM is the right choice to help me achieve my career goals.

I possess a sound understanding of China, its language, culture and people. This is due to four years of intense dedication and study. It all began after high school, when I decided to enroll in “Fictitious Name” at Hobbiton University, a Bachelor Degree that, among other things, helped quench my thirst for knowledge about China. Since the first lesson at university, my passion for Chinese studies has grown steadily, and after finishing my exams in Hobbiton I left immediately to continue my education in Beijing. I first set foot in China in early September 2010, and I have been here since, immersing myself in the local society and everyday life.

One of my strongest points is the ability to learn quickly and adapt to new situations, and this is especially true when I am under pressure. For example, in summer 2008, I decided to take a one month vacation in the Syrian Arab Republic. I arrived in Damascus alone, without having booked any hotel room and knowing only a few commonly used phrases of the local language. Learning to overcome all the difficulties of the everyday life was challenging and extremely rewarding at the same time.

This was not the only time in my life when I voluntarily posed myself in front of a challenge. The first time I left alone to go abroad I had just turned 18. In June 2006 I went to work in a small town called Bude in Cornwall, UK. The only connection I had in town was a friend of a friend that offered me a job as a waiter in a local pub. I managed not only to spend three months earning a salary and gaining the praise of my manager, but also to be accepted in the local community and get to know a lot of interesting people, with whom I am still good friends. This experience helped carve my personality and, again, shows my strong attitude to learn, adapt and face challenge with a positive attitude.

I also possess fairly advanced teamwork skills. It was not uncommon for my high school teachers to ask for my help organizing school trips, since they knew how well I could put together the different needs of my heterogeneous group of classmates and elaborate a solution that could meet everyone’s expectations. I consider myself quite good at coordinating a team in order to reach common objectives. Besides, my international experience taught me how to work with people from different cultural backgrounds.

While my academic studies are vitally important to me, I also nurture extracurricular interests that complete my personality. My sport of election since childhood is tennis. I played tennis competitively until the age of 19. This sport has taught me how to dose my own strength and know my limits, and also the importance of studying one’s opponent and exploiting his shortcomings. These skills have very often translated into real life situations. Apart from tennis, I also regularly exercise in the gym and I like outdoor sports in general--such as alpine skiing, running and beach volley. My interest for motorbikes is also very deep. I’ve owned and ridden road motorbikes since I was 16 and I developed a great interest for motorbike competitions, bike touring, bike history and mechanics. My other interests include cinema, politics and philosophy.

I have chosen “Kickass Master” because I think this program has the right characteristics to help me succeed in my career. My aim is to be able to work for a Western (but more specifically Italian) company that operates on the Chinese market. I have been building towards this goal from a linguistic and cultural point of view for the past four years. I am confident that KM is the most suitable option to give me the business education I desire. Moreover, I understand the program has tight links with companies from the Emilia-Romagna motor valley: working for one of these companies would be a dream come true, for it would mean transforming a lifelong passion into my job.

My eagerness to further my education and my propensity to take on new challenges will allow me to fully enjoy the high quality education the program has to offer. My international experience and my solid background will add diversity and enrich the learning environment, while my teamwork skills will benefit both classmates and teachers. I am confident that I can contribute to the program by bringing positive energy and enthusiasm.

Thank you for considering my application, and I look forward to your acceptance.

Sincerely yours

MountainHiker · Answer

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am applying to the program “Kickass Master” starting in September 2011. After reviewing several graduate programs and speaking with current students and alumni of your program, I am convinced that KM is the right choice to help me achieve my career goals [which is what exactly?].

I possess a sound understanding of China, its language, culture and people. This is due to [google due to grammar] four years of intense dedication and study. It all began after high school, when I decided to enroll in “Fictitious Name” at Hobbiton University, a Bachelor Degree that, among other things, helped quench my thirst for knowledge about China. Since the first lesson at university, my passion for Chinese studies has grown steadily, and after finishing my exams in Hobbiton I left immediately to continue my education in Beijing. I first set foot in China in early September 2010, and I have been here since, immersing myself in the local society and everyday life. [problem with this paragraph is that you don't give me anything specific to sink my teeth into. Early at the top of the paragraph, you tell me you know about language, culture, and people. Okay, great. NOW, show me. Show me you understand. Otherwise, you might as well tell me you understand nuclear physics too. I want to go from sand castles in the air to concrete examples and demonstrations.]

One of my strongest points is the ability to learn quickly and adapt to new situations, and this is especially true when I am under pressure. For example, in summer 2008, I decided to take a one month vacation in the Syrian Arab Republic. I arrived in Damascus alone, without having booked any hotel room and knowing only a few commonly used phrases of the local language. Learning to overcome all the difficulties of the everyday life was challenging and extremely rewarding at the same time. [Okay, that's better.]

This was not the only time in my life when I voluntarily posed myself in front of a challenge. The first time I left alone to go abroad I had just turned 18. In June 2006 I went to work in a small town called Bude in Cornwall, UK. The only connection I had in town was a friend of a friend that offered me a job as a waiter in a local pub. I managed not only to spend three months earning a salary and gaining the praise of my manager, but also to be accepted in the local community and get to know a lot of interesting people, with whom I am still good friends. This experience helped carve my personality and, again, shows my strong attitude to learn, adapt and face challenge with a positive attitude. [This is weak because you're telling me that you can adapt to new surroundings. One example is sufficient. More than one example and you're wearing my patience.]

I also possess fairly advanced teamwork skills. It was not uncommon for my high school teachers to ask for my help organizing school trips, since they knew how well I could put together the different needs of my heterogeneous group of classmates and elaborate a solution that could meet everyone’s expectations. I consider myself quite good at coordinating a team in order to reach common objectives. Besides, my international experience taught me how to work with people from different cultural backgrounds.
[This is somewhat weak. I get the impression of the class blabbermouth who likes to be popular but doesn't get anything of substance accomplished. If you can tell me how you are able to work with people of varied backgrounds to achieve a common goal, you've got my attention. Or, can you tell me when you resolved a particularly difficult contentious work situation?]

While my academic studies are vitally important to me, I also nurture extracurricular interests that complete my personality. My sport of election since childhood is tennis [blah blah blah...unnecessarily wordy] One my competitive passions is tennis, a sport that I have played since childhood (something like that). I played tennis competitively until the age of 19. This sport has taught me how to dose my own strength and know my limits, and also the importance of studying one’s opponent and exploiting his shortcomings. These skills have very often translated into real life situations. Apart from tennis, I also regularly exercise in the gym and I like outdoor sports in general--such as alpine skiing, running and beach volley. My interest for motorbikes is also very deep. I’ve [no contractions] owned and ridden road motorbikes since I was 16 and I developed a great interest for motorbike competitions, bike touring, bike history and mechanics. My other interests include cinema, politics and philosophy. [You've got too much stuff here. I get the impression that you are throwing everything against the wall, hoping something, anything will stick. I have more comments later.]

I have chosen “Kickass Master” because I think this program has the right characteristics to help me succeed in my career. My aim is to be able to work for a Western (but more specifically Italian) company that operates on the Chinese market. I have been building towards this goal from a linguistic and cultural point of view for the past four years. I am confident that KM is the most suitable option to give me the business education I desire. Moreover, I understand the program has tight links with companies from the Emilia-Romagna motor valley: working for one of these companies would be a dream come true, for it would mean transforming a lifelong passion into my job.

My eagerness to further my education and my propensity to take on new challenges will allow me to fully enjoy the high quality education the program has to offer. My international experience and my solid background will add diversity and enrich the learning environment, while my teamwork skills will benefit both classmates and teachers. I am confident that I can contribute to the program by bringing positive energy and enthusiasm.

Thank you for considering my application, and I look forward to your acceptance.

Sincerely yours

[Okay, here's my quick comments. If I were you, I'd do the following:
- demonstrate your academic capabilities...demonstrate by prior accomplishments
- discuss sports and the lessons in life you have learned from sports
- discuss risk taking and your passion for China. You obviously understood "the path less taken" by going to China. Discuss your passion, your risk taking abilities, and your ability to adapt.
- wrap up

Think like an athlete or business executive.

- Sports, driven, goal setting, teams, passion, ambition, ability to deal with people and wins and losses....lots of stuff to choose from
- China...passion, fascination, ability to learn languages, cultures, people, survive, risk taking, accomplishments, success, setting the foundation for future accomplishments blah blah blah

Make sure that you entire letter fits together. That is, everything reinforces your main points.

Do not tell me a story. Instead, tell me your key attributes and use your examples from your background to demonstrate your key attributes. In other words, use your prose to paint a picture for me of your key attributes.

Do not create a movie of your life history.]

Anonymous · Answer

Ok, I tried my best to follow your advice , what do you think?

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am applying to the program “MIEX Master in International Management” starting in September 2011. After reviewing several graduate programs and speaking with current students and alumni of your program, I am convinced that KM is the right choice to help me achieve my career goals. My objective is to bring my contribution to companies that operate on the Chinese market.

I graduated from Hobbiton University “Chinese Studies” with a solid academic record, majoring in English and Chinese. My area of excellence are language studies and in particular the ability to distinguish the full signification of both written and spoken communication. Especially in translation classes and tests, I have more than once ranked first in my class.

Other than passionately studying about China for three years in Italy, I have also spent a whole academic year in Beijing. The choice of leaving my home country to spend a year abroad shows my strong desire to follow my dreams and ambitions, even if this sometimes means taking risks and making sacrifices. I am confident that in doing so I have built the foundations for many future accomplishments.

I possess a growing understanding of China, its language, culture and people: it is the interaction and socialization with local people that has taught me, day by day, important lessons about Chinese life and social codes. Resolving small misunderstandings that often happen between me and my friends, spending entire nights sharing experiences with my local acquaintances, listening to stories from old people in the street, living together with two Chinese roommates for almost a year; all these are experiences cannot be found and studied in textbooks. I think this kind of social understanding and the ability to deal with people with such a distant background are key factors in successfully conducting business in China.

One of my strongest points is the ability to learn quickly and adapt to new situations, and this is especially true when I am under pressure. For example, the first time I went abroad by myself I had just turned 18. In June 2006 I went to work in a small town called Bude in Cornwall, UK. The only connection I had in town was a friend of a friend that offered me a job as a waiter in a local pub. I managed not only to spend three months earning a salary and gaining the praise of my manager, but also to be accepted in the local community and get to know a lot of interesting people, with whom I am still good friends. Learning to overcome the difficulties of everyday life was challenging and extremely rewarding at the same time. This experience helped carve my personality and shows my strong disposition to learn, adapt and face challenge with a positive attitude.

One of my competitive passions is tennis, a sport that I have played since childhood. This sport has taught me how to dose my own strength and know my limits, and also the importance of studying one’s opponent and exploiting his shortcomings. These skills have very often translated into real life situations. My interest for motorbikes is also very deep. I have owned and ridden road motorbikes since I was 16 and I have developed a great interest for motorbike competitions, bike touring, bike history and mechanics. Passion for bikes has often allowed me to meet new and interesting people and has helped me create strong bonds based on this shared enthusiasm.

I have chosen “Kickass Master” because I think this program has the right characteristics to help me succeed in my career. My aim is to be able to work for a Western (but more specifically Italian) company that operates on the Chinese market. I have been building towards this goal from a linguistic and cultural point of view for the past four years. I am confident that KM is the most suitable option to give me the business education I desire. Moreover, I understand the program has tight links with companies from the Emilia-Romagna motor valley: working for one of these companies would be a dream come true, for it would mean transforming a lifelong passion into my job.

My eagerness to further my education and my propensity to take on new challenges will allow me to fully enjoy the high quality education the program has to offer. Moreover, my international experience and my solid background will add diversity and enrich the learning environment. I am confident that I can contribute to the program by bringing positive energy and enthusiasm.

Thank you for considering my application, and I look forward to your acceptance.

Sincerely yours

I personally get the impression I'm not highlighting enough things about myself: I am good at languages, I know China, I can adapt to new surroundings. Is it enough?

Cover Letter, help needed

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