Cover Letter for Job Application needs proofreading and comments

Question

Hi my friend Pitak is looking for a job in architecture right now. He is not very computer-literated so he asked me to post the massage for him.
He would like to know if his cover letter for a job application is substantial enough to be distinguished from other candidates? See below. Please help

Dear Ms. Kim Balchin,

I am writing to apply for a position of architectural assistant at your office because I am passionate about the subject of building design and would like to contribute my skills to your practice. As an admirer of quality construction and space, I have been pursuing my commitment to the subject and recently qualified from RIBA part 1 in architecture from the University of East London, as you will find from my C.V. enclosed giving my particular skills that relevant to your requirement.

Through five years of studying architecture and design, I have developed good presentation skills and precision in detail design and the use of materials. My experiences included designing building in different sites in many cities and cultures, which involved working with research method and strategy process. In addition to my degree in architecture, I have also developed skills in customer service and team management while working in a furniture department team at Habitat Ltd.With these qualities and strong belief in my design, I wish to become part of Scott Brownrigg team. Please kindly consider.

I am looking forward to hearing from you and would welcome the opportunity to meet you.

Yours sincerely,

Pitak Chaijumroonpun.

MountainHiker · Accepted Answer

Hi,

I will provide some cursory comments.

MountainHiker

Dear Ms. Kim Balchin:

I am writing to apply for a position of architectural assistant at your office. I have enclosed my C.V. for your consideration.

Through five years of studying architecture and design, I have developed good presentation skills and precision in detail design and the use of materials. My experience includes designing building in different sites in many cities and cultures, which involved working with research method and strategy process.[1] In addition to my degree in architecture, I have also developed skills in customer service and team management while working in a furniture department team at Habitat Ltd. With these qualities and strong belief in my design, I wish to become part of Scott Brownrigg team.

Please kindly consider my application. I am looking forward to hearing from you and would welcome the opportunity to meet you. [you should show some initiative and follow up with Kim and not wait for her to call you]

Yours sincerely,

Pitak Chaijumroonpun.

Notes:

1) You need to completely rework this sentence. "My experience includes designing building in different sites in many cities and cultures, which involved working with research method and strategy process."

It is wayyyyyyyyyyyyy to vague. If I were Kim, I would look poorly upon your application for many reasons. Tell Kim WHICH cities, and WHICH cultures, and I have no idea what "research method and strategy process" means. Do you?

2) I don't know where you want to logically place, "As an admirer of quality construction and space, I have undertaken [further studies post architecture?] and have recently graduated from RIBA part 1 in architecture from the University of East London."

You might try another revision and then post it again.

Cover Letter for Job Application needs proofreading and comments

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