Could you rate my score

Question

dear IELTS examiner, could you rate my essay on IELTS WRITING TASK 2

thanks

here it is

In today's world, being overweight has been a worrying problem worldwide. Several people believe that the government is in charge of the increase in obese toddlers. From my perspective, I strongly disagree with this opinion.

There are a few compelling reasons why the authority is not responsible for the growth of obese youngsters. The first reason is that parents have not been aware of children's diet carefully. In particular, a variety of kids have been consuming a lot of fast food such as fried chicken, snack, sausage, etc without strict parental control, which results children in a range of worrying illnesses not only obesity. In addition, many parents have been lacking vital nutrient-related knowledge which can assist them in enhancing children's health or keeping teenagers from junk food.

The second reason is that nowadays adoescents become lazier compared to the past. Youngers spend most of their time on staying at home for entertaining activities instead of doing outdoor exercises as they are usually provided smartphones, computers, game consoles and so on. This would have impacts on their health condition and that is the main factor causing obesity.

To conclude, encountering with obesity is both the responsibility of governments and people around the world.

Persian Learner · Accepted Answer

Unless we see the essay question, we cannot score your essay. In the IELTS assessment criteria, Task Response accounts for one-fourth of your total mark.

Persian Learner · Answer

green gray 955In today's world, being overweight has been a worrying problem worldwide. Several people believe that the government is in charge of the increase in obese toddlers. From my perspective, I strongly disagree with this opinion.There are a few compelling reasons why the authority is not responsible for the growth of obese youngsters. The first reason is that parents have not been aware of children's diet carefully. In particular, a variety of kids have been consuming a lot of fast food such as fried chicken, snack, sausage, etc without strict parental control, which results children in a range of worrying illnesses not only obesity. In addition, many parents have been lacking vital nutrient-related knowledge which can assist them in enhancing children's health or keeping teenagers from junk food.The second reason is that nowadays adoescents become lazier compared to the past. Youngers spend most of their time on staying at home for entertaining activities instead of doing outdoor exercises as they are usually provided smartphones, computers, game consoles and so on. This would have impacts on their health condition and that is the main factor causing obesity.To conclude, encountering with obesity is both the responsibility of governments and people around the world.

Task response: 5.0

Coherence and cohesion: 7.0

Lexical resource: 6.0

GRA: 7.0

Approximate band score: 6.0

____________________________

You need to plan your response more carefully and try to develop your responses with convincing reasons and examples. In the introduction you said, "I strongly disagree...." but in the conclusion you said, "is both the responsibility of governments and people". This seems contradictory. When you say you strongly disagree, it means governments have nothing to do with the plight. In your conclusion try to summarize the main findings of your body paragraphs.

Also, you should have focused more on governments not parents. If children consume junk food or parents don't have enough nutrition knowledge, one can argue that governments are to blame since they can take steps to make junk food less affordable or educate parents on nutrition needs of their children.

Above all, your response is underlenght; this is going to significantly affect Band score rating. Your word count is 203 while you need to write at least 250 words.

Persian Learner · Answer

In today's world, being overweight is ~~has been~~ a worrying problem ~~worldwide~~. ~~Several~~ Some people believe that the government is in charge of the increase in obese children ~~toddlers~~. ~~From my perspective~~, I strongly disagree with this opinion.

There are a few compelling reasons why the authorities ~~authority~~ are not responsible for the growth of obese youngsters. The first reason is that parents are ~~have~~ not ~~been~~ fully aware of children's diet ~~carefully~~. In particular, ~~a variety of~~ kids have been consuming a lot of fast foods such as fried chicken, snacks, and sausage~~, etc~~ without strict parental control. ~~which~~ This may result in children developing in a range of worrying illnesses on top of ~~not only~~ obesity. In addition, many parents ~~have been~~ lack~~ing~~ vital nutrient-related knowledge which is necessary ~~can~~ for ~~assisting~~ them in to enhance children's diet ~~health~~ or and to realize the importance of keeping teenagers from junk food.

The second reason is that nowadays adolescents are ~~become~~ lazier compared to the past. They ~~Youngers~~ spend most of their time ~~on staying~~ at home for doing passive entertaining activities instead of doing/participating in outdoor exercises, as they ~~are~~ usually have ~~provided~~ their own smartphones, computers, or game consoles. ~~and so on~~. This sedentary lifestyle, as a significant contributing factor to obesity, has ~~would have~~ a negative impact on their health condition ~~and that is the main factor causing obesity~~.

To conclude, ~~encountering with~~ tackling obesity is solely the responsibility of parents, who are supposed to closely monitor what their offspring eat and do at home. ~~both the responsibility of governments and people around the world.~~

Notes:

1) If you want to state something as a matter of fact, you must put it in the simple present tense, not perfect.

2) Don't use unfamiliar words if you're not sure of their usage.

3) 'encounter' as a verb doesn't take a preposition: You encounter something but have encounters with something.

Could you rate my score

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions