Could you please review this passge?

Question

Hello,Below is a passge which I have translated from Russian (yes, for the everlasting Star Heritage Translation project). Could you please check it for grammar mistakes and serious stylistical faults?«Upon slightly raising the iron sheet and pushing it aside, I was amazed to find under it an entrance into a dungeon. The secret tunnel went down under the mountain, towards the north.»Thank you in advance,AntonP.S.: The translated demo version (which contains the first chapter of the quest) is going to be released in September!

CalifJim · Accepted Answer

Everybody translates a little differently. While there are probably quite a few other ways this could be said, I see nothing wrong with the choices you made.

I might say, for example:

I lifted the iron sheet a bit and pushed it aside. Under it, to my amazement, I found an entrance to a dungeon. And a secret tunnel led downward under the mountain and towards the north.

Ask ten people and you'll get 50 versions!

(I didn't get the connection between 'dungeon' and 'secret tunnel', however. Are they one and the same?)

CJ

Ant_222 · Answer

Thank you for the feedback, CalifJim.

CalifJimEverybody translates a little differently. While there are probably quite a few other ways this could be said, I see nothing wrong with the choices you made.

Yes, but I am trying to keep it close to the way it is written in Russian. Maybe it is a faulty practice, because different languages use different expression techniquies?

CalifJim(I didn't get the connection between 'dungeon' and 'secret tunnel', however. Are they one and the same?)

I, too, have noticed it. This ambiguity is present in the Russan text, but it is supposed to be more or less clear that the entrace into the dungeon (which apparently has some length) is referred to as the tunnel (Mark that I used "the" before "tunnel", while you chose "a"). If this isn't clear at all, I will get rid of the second mention by merging the sentences into one:

«Upon slightly raising the iron sheet and pushing it aside, I was amazed to find under it an entrance into a secret tunnel which went down under the mountain, towards the north.»

I also am not sure how to convey that the tunnel leads to a chamber under the mountain, but does not go under it to open on the other end of the ridge (which is true but should be kept unknown at this point of the game). Could I say that it led "to under the mountain" to emphasize the apparent direction of this entrance-tunnel, and not the orientation of the whole underground passage?

Anton

Could you please review this passge?

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