Could you please review my ielts writing task 2 essay

Question

Caring for the children is probably the most important job in any society. Because of this, all mothers and fathers should be required to take a course that prepares them to be good parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

It is true that mothers and fathers have an essential role to play in the comprehensive development of their children. Therefore, some people believe that parenting classes are crucial and all parents should be required to participate in. In my opinion, I partly agree with this perspective. I admit that these courses could bring a lot of benefits for both parents and children but I totally oppose to the view that all parents are obligated to join these classes.

With regard to the parenting classes, I can not deny all the possible advantages it could bring to the parents who never have any experience in teaching and taking care of a child before. For those who become parents for the first time, it is always difficult for them to be aware of all the problems could happen in the process of raising their children. Therefore, these parenting classes are created to educate them how to tackle these problems in parenting. Furthermore, the courses are not only suitable for the parents who lack experience but it also for the one who already had knowledge in taking care of a child. For example, the parenting classes could instruct parents the new parenting methods. And through these lessons, they could have an overall view on the ways to educate children and choose the most suitable one for their own kids.

However, the requirement that all parents must join the parenting classes is unfeasible. First, the parents both mothers and fathers usually have their own jobs to do for a living. Therefore, they always have a busy schedule and hardly have time to join these classes. If the governments introduce laws to force all parents to take these course, there must be punishments for the people who can not take part in. And it is totally wrong to punish people who are not capable of taking the parenting classes. Moreover, these classes could be a financial burden for families because not all parents have enough money to pay the tuition fee.

In conclusion, the benefits brought by the parenting classes are undeniable but I oppose to the view that all parents are required to join these course.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

You wrote over 360 words. That is too long. There is quite a bit of repetition, and wordiness in your essay that detracts from its cohesion and coherence. Instead of all the repetition , you should give an example from your personal experience.

The minimum is 250. You will not lose points for writing more; however, longer essays generally do not get high band scores. And there are many

The minimum is 250. You will not lose points for writing more; however, longer essays generally do not get high band scores. And there are many reasons for this.

First, the longer the essay, the more chances you have to make errors, and you will lose points for each of those errors.

Second, your writing may be repetitious and wordy. This will cost you points in task response or coherence and cohesion.

Third, you will likely stray off-topic, and examiners will deduct points if you are not focused on the topic. Do not write about things that are not specifically given in the task. You will also be tempted to use weak or unsound arguments or even lose your direction and contradict yourself. Develop just two or three argument points with examples and personal experiences. It is much better to have two well-developed and fleshed-out argument points than to have four which are just individual separate statements.

Fourth, you will spend a lot of time writing, and not have sufficient time left over to proofread your essay. You will miss the silly mistakes, which everyone makes, and that lowers your score.

Fifth, you will not have enough time for Task 1, and get a lower score there. You should allow 40 minutes for task and 20 minutes for Task 1. The word counts are designed so that you have ample time for brainstorming and then writing the two parts.

Aim to write 270-290 words for Task 2. Practice writing a lot of essays so you get a feeling for the length.
You can use this word counter: https://www.ieltsscore.com/word-counter/

~~It is true that~~ (Avoid these dummy-it clauses. They add nothing to the essay or the sentence. They are only a distraction. Would you write something that is false?) Mothers and fathers have an essential role to play in the upbringing ~~comprehensive~~ ~~development~~ (That is not very natural.) of their children. Therefore, some people believe that parenting classes are crucial and all parents should be required to participate in them. In my opinion, I partly agree with this ~~perspective~~. I admit that these courses could bring a lot of benefits for both parents and children but I totally oppose to the view that all parents should be ~~are~~ obligated to join these classes.

~~With regard to the parenting classes,~~ (You have already introduced the topic. Use "with regard to" only if there is more than one idea.) ~~I can not deny~~ ~~all the possible advantages it~~ Classes on raising children could ~~bring~~ to have many advantages for the parents who ~~never~~ have never had any experience in teaching and taking care of a child before. ~~For those who become parents for the first time, it is always difficult for them to~~ First-time parents are unaware of all the problems could happen in the process of raising their children. Therefore, these parenting classes are created to educate them how to tackle these problems in parenting. Furthermore, the courses are not only suitable for these parents ~~who lack experience~~ but it also for the one (wrong form) who already had prior experience ~~knowledge~~ in taking care of a child. For example, the parenting classes could instruct parents the new parenting methods. And through these lessons, they could have an overall view on the ways to educate children and choose the most suitable one ~~for their own kids~~.

However, the requirement that all parents must join the parenting classes is unfeasible. First, ~~the parents~~ both mothers and fathers usually have their own jobs to do to make ~~for~~ a living. Therefore, they always have a busy schedule and hardly have time to join these classes. If the governments introduce laws to force all parents to take these course, there must be punishments for the people who can not take part in them.. And it is totally wrong to punish people who are not able to attend. ~~capable~~ ~~of taking the parenting classes~~. Moreover, these classes could be a financial burden for families because not all parents have enough money to pay the tuition fee.

In conclusion, the benefits brought by the parenting classes are undeniable but I oppose to the view that all parents ~~are~~ should be required to join these course. (wrong form)

Could you please review my ielts writing task 2 essay

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