Could you please review ielts writing task 1 essay

Question

The line graph compares Japan, Sweden and USA in terms of the percentage of population aged 65 and over from 1940 to 2040.

Overall, the proportion of people aged 65 and over in Japan, Sweden and USA increased over a period of one hundred years. The figure for population aged 65 and over in Japan showed a significant growth between 2000 and 2040.

In 1940, USA was the country that had the highest percentage of population aged 65 and over, at nearly 10%, whereas that of Sweden and Japan were at around 7% and 5% respectively. Over the following fifty years, both USA and Sweden population showed an upward trend in the percentage of elderly people. By contrast, the proportion of old people in Japan declined gradually to about 8% in 1960 and remained the same from 1960 to 1990. After 2020, the elderly population of three countries continued to rise considerably. The experts predict that the percentage of old people in Japan will overtook that of both USA and Sweden in late 2030.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The line graph compares Japan, Sweden and USA in terms of the percentage of population aged 65 and over from 1940 to 2040.

(2040 is in the future. You have to consider that in your description.)

Overall, the proportion of people aged 65 and over in Japan, Sweden and USA increased (You cannot use past tense for future events.) over a period of one hundred years. The ~~figure for~~ population aged 65 and over in Japan showed (You cannot use past tense for future events.) a significant growth between 2000 and 2040.

In 1940, USA ~~was the country that~~ had the highest percentage of population aged 65 and over, at nearly 10%, whereas that of Sweden and Japan were at around 7% and 5% respectively. Over the following fifty years, both USA and Sweden population showed an upward trend ~~in the percentage of elderly people~~. By contrast, ~~the proportion of old people~~ in Japan it declined gradually to about 8% in 1960 and remained the same from 1960 to 1990. After 2020, the elderly population of three countries continued (You cannot use past tense for future events.) to rise considerably. The experts (You need to use passive voice.) predict that the percentage of old people in Japan will overtook that of both USA and Sweden in late 2030.(wrong expression)

The main problems are tens usage, and the failure to mention the projection until the last sentence, too late.

Also, there is unnecessary repetition.

If you would like a sample essay for any that I have reviewed, you may ask.

Could you please review ielts writing task 1 essay

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