Could you please check this essay for me?

Question

Hi, this is my IELTS essay. Could you please check and give me some advice to improve it?
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We cannot help everyone in the world that needs help so we should only be concerned with our own communities and countries.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
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It is sometimes argued that people should only support residents from their own countries rather than others. Such opinions have many adverse effects on people in general.

Helping people should be based on sympathy and caring. In fact, all people are the same, in all ages and in all classes no matter where they come from. Therefore, it would be heartless if there were people in trouble but cannot receive helps just because they do not in the same neighborhood or nation for that matter. In addition, encouraging the notion that people should only be involved with their own communities would develop bad characteristics such as: selfishness or discriminatory in every individual. By holding such idea, people gradually care only about themselves and does not consider others, even with their relatives or friends. This could lead to the decline of moral values, thereby causing seriously negative consequences for both family and society, which promote the failure of civilizations.

Besides, people are living in an interdependent world where no nation can isolate itself from the relation with others. Therefore, each country not only has a purely business relationship with its neighbors, but also has responsibility to support them to some certain degree when they need helps. Also, helping is also an embodiment of unity and peace in a current world filled with conflicts and wars. For example, a large number of countries have offered to assist Japan with relief efforts in the severe tsunami and earthquake catastrophic, including nations having disagreement with Japan or still suffering from their natural disasters.

In conclusion, people should support each other, regardless of nationalities or races. This would make the world better and would get human beings closer together.
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Thank you very much.

Englishmaven · Accepted Answer

You wrote a rather nice essay. It is coherent and easy to comprehend. You have good examples for elaboration. I'm going to make a few corrections for you. Be sure to place modifiers as close to the words they modify as possible ("only"). It is sometimes argued that people should only support residents from their own countries rather than others.You are saying "only support" when you mean "only residents from their own countries." It changes the meaning of the sentence, though people will be intelligent to know what you meant. You need to express it correctly. Additionally, be consistent in choosing the correct form of words. You need to connect like forms with coordinating conjunctions ("Selfishness or discriminatory" connects a noun with an adjective. Connect two nouns or two adjectives. That is parallel structure.) Also, the word "help" as a noun does not have a plural form. "Helps" is not a noun. It can be a verb, not a noun. It is a non-count noun.)

We cannot help everyone in the world that needs help so we should only be concerned with our own communities and countries. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? -----------------------------------------

It is sometimes argued that people should support only residents from their own countries rather than others. Such opinions have many adverse effects on people in general. Helping people should be based on sympathy and caring. In fact, all people are the same, at all ages and in all classes, regardless of where they come from. Therefore, it would be heartless if there were people in trouble who could not receive help merely because they do not in the same neighborhood or nation (Same as what? Complete this thought.) for that matter. In addition, encouraging the notion that people should be involved with only their own communities would develop bad characteristics such as selfishness and discrimination in individuals. By holding such ideas, people gradually care only about themselves and do not consider others, even their relatives and friends. This could lead to the decline of moral values, thereby causing seriously negative consequences for both family and society, which fosters the failure of civilizations.

Additionally, people live in an interdependent world where no nation can isolate itself from its relation with others. Therefore, each country has not only a purely business relationship with its neighbors, but also the responsibility to support them to a certain degree when they need help. Also, helping is also an embodiment of unity and peace in a current world filled with conflicts and wars. For example, a large number of countries have offered to assist Japan with relief efforts necessary after the severe tsunami and earthquake catastrophes, including nations who have disagreements with Japan or are still suffering from their own natural disasters. In conclusion, people should support each other, regardless of nationalities or race. This would make the world better and would bring human beings closer together.

Huynguyen158 · Answer

Thank you for making your time to help me, Englishmaven. It's very helpful.<img class='emoticon' style='Width:19px;Height:19px;' data-delaysrc='https://uat-englishforward-forums-backend.s3.us-west-2.amazonaws.com/Emoticons/1.gif' src='https://uat-englishforward-forums-backend.s3.us-west-2.amazonaws.com/Emoticons/1.gif' alt='Emotion: smile'/>

Englishmaven · Answer

I'm happy to help.

Could you please check this essay for me?

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