Could you please check my writing?

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Hi everyone,Here is my IELTS essay. Could you please check and give me some advice to improve it? Universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject. To what extent do you agree or disagree?-------------------------------------------People have different views about the idea that university should accept the equality of sex in every subject. While some point out this might bring certain advantages, others highlight the disadvantages of such practices.On the one hand, every individual has their own liberal rights to decide and learn whichever they prefer, regardless of what it is. Also, accepting equal numbers of each sex in all subjects would promote gender equality, which is only achieved when women and men enjoy the same rights and opportunities in all aspects of life. Therefore, it would be unfortunate if there were students who really wanted to take some subjects but could not do it merely because they are limited by their gender. This not only is the embodiment of sexual discrimination, but accidentally deprive students of their dreams.On the other hand, there are still drawbacks that people need to consider. In fact, some subjects, which are related to several particular jobs, are more suitable for either men or women. For example: women, who by nature are smaller-framed and not seen remotely as strong as men to take up an occupation such as: firefighter or airplane pilot. By limiting the quantity of male or female in specific subjects, students have to think carefully to make the right choices, thereby avoiding the waste of time and money. Thus, universities would work better and more efficiently.In conclusion, arguments for and against the notion of gender balance in education should be taken in to account before applying in practice.-------------------------------------------Thank you very much.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

People have different views about the idea that university should accept the equal numbers of males and females to every subject. While some point out this might bring certain advantages, others highlight the disadvantages of such practices.

On the one hand, every individual has their own ~~liberal~~ right to decide and learn whatever subject they prefer, regardless of what it is. Also, accepting equal numbers of each *** in all subjects would promote gender equality, which is only achieved when women and men enjoy the same rights and opportunities in all aspects of life. Therefore, it would be unfortunate if there were students who really wanted to take some subjects but could not do so merely because they are limited by their gender. This not only is the embodiment of sexual discrimination, but accidentally deprives students of their dreams.

On the other hand, there are still drawbacks that people need to consider. In fact, some subjects, which are related to ~~several~~ particular jobs, are more suitable for either men or women. For example: women, who by nature are smaller-framed and not seen remotely as strong as men to take up an occupation such as: firefighter (Firefighting is not a university subject, so it is irrelevant to your argument or airplane pilot (Piloting a modern plane does not require physical strength. It is also not a university subject. ) . (The previous sentence is not a complete sentence; it is a fragment.) By limiting the quantity of males or females in specific subjects, students have to think carefully to make the right choices, thereby avoiding the waste of time and money. Thus, universities would work better and more efficiently.(I did not understand your argument. If a student were prohibited from taking a certain subject, they don't have to think about this choice at all.)

In conclusion, arguments for and against the notion of gender balance in education should be taken in to account before applying it in practice.

Huynguyen158 · Answer

Thank you very much for your in-depth explanation, AlpheccaStars. I really appreciate it.

AlpheccaStarsIn fact, some subjects, which are related to ~~several~~ particular jobs, are more suitable for either men or women. For example: women, who by nature are smaller-framed and not seen remotely as strong as men to take up an occupation such as: firefighter (Firefighting is not a university subject, so it is irrelevant to your argument or airplane pilot (Piloting a modern plane does not require physical strength. It is also not a university subject. ) . (The previous sentence is not a complete sentence; it is a fragment.)

I've rewritten my sentence as below:

In fact, some subjects, which are related to particular areas of work or study fields, are more suitable for either men or women. For example: nursing courses tend to appeal to more female candidates, who by nature are smaller-framed and not seen remotely as strong as men to take up an occupation such as construction engineer, which have heavy physical working conditions that are normal for men.

What do you think about this version?

AlpheccaStarsBy limiting the quantity of males or females in specific subjects, students have to think carefully to make the right choices, thereby avoiding the waste of time and money. Thus, universities would work better and more efficiently.(I did not understand your argument. If a student were prohibited from taking a certain subject, they don't have to think about this choice at all.)

I mean the fact of limiting the numbers of males and females to every subject might double pressure on students. For example: If there were a subject that requires 100 males and 50 females, then females students would have to try harder to be one of the top 50 instead of becoming one of the top 100. Therefore, they have to think carefully because they might be failed to reach their goal of enrolling such subjects.

Do you think that's a good argument? Could you please give me some advice? Thank you very much!

AlpheccaStars · Answer

In fact, some subjects, which are related to particular areas of work or study fields, are ~~more suitable for~~ selectively preferred by either men or women. For example: nursing courses tend to appeal to more female candidates, who by nature are smaller-framed and not seen remotely as strong as men (Have you ever tried to lift a 300-pound man out of bed and into a wheelchair? Nurses have to be strong enough to do that!) to take up an occupation such as construction engineering, which has heavy physical working conditions (The engineers are not doing the heavy work. They are in their offices doing the designs, schedules, contracts and purchases. Uneducated men do the hammering and nailing and driving the heavy equipment.) h ~~that are normal for men.~~

The only reason for sexual preferences in careers is that there were traditional roles taken by women as caregivers - schoolteacher, nurse - which had relatively low pay, and men took all the other careers - doctor, lawyer, scientist, engineer - because they had to support the family. Some careers were legally forbidden to women, such as the ministry. Even today a woman cannot be a Catholic priest, for example.

I mean the fact of limiting the numbers of males and females to every subject might double pressure on students. For example: If there were a subject that requires 100 males and 50 females, then females students would have to try harder to be one of the top 50 instead of becoming one of the top 100. Therefore, they have to think carefully because they might be ~~failed~~ fail to reach their goal of enrolling in such subjects.

huynguyen158Do you think that's a good argument?

No. Why not just have a class with 150 places, and let the best students, men or women, compete for those positions?
Maybe the class will end up with more men, but it's fair for everyone.

Huynguyen158 · Answer

Thank you very much for making your time to help me, AlpheccaStars. I've got it.<img class='emoticon' style='Width:19px;Height:19px;' data-delaysrc='https://uat-englishforward-forums-backend.s3.us-west-2.amazonaws.com/Emoticons/1.gif' src='https://uat-englishforward-forums-backend.s3.us-west-2.amazonaws.com/Emoticons/1.gif' alt='Emotion: smile'/>

Could you please check my writing?

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