Could You Give Me Some Feedback On My Writing Task 1. Thank you so much

Question

The chart below shows global sales of the top five mobile phone brands between 2009 and 2013.Write a report for a university, lecturer describing the information shown below.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.The graph illustrates how many mobile phones by the most popular brands were sold from 2009 to 2013.Overall, there was an increase in the number of mobile communicative devices purchased by global customers when it comes to Samsung, Apple, and ZTE company, while a decline was seen the figures for Nokia and LG company between 2009 and 2013. In addition, Samsung steadily emerged its sales, surpassed Nokia and became the company to have the highest figure by 2013.The mobile phone products sold by Apple started at about 25 million devices, with a subsequent increase to just under 100 million in 2011 before ending the period at 150 million in 2013. Similar changes, but to a larger extent, approximately 230 million Samsung portable phones were bought in 2009, after which it increased considerably to 320 million devices and 450 million devices in 2011 and 2013 respectively.The sales of Nokia mobile phone over the world consistently declined from its peak which was about 440 million, followed by a slight decrease to roughly 420 million in 2011 before ending at exactly 250 million devices in 2013. The figures for LG witnessed the same changes, decreased from about 130 million phones sold to just under 100 million and 60 million in 2011 and 2013 in that order, while the figures for ZTE saw an opposite change, began at exactly 50 million and then slightly increased to roughly 55 million and 60 million respectively throughout the period.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Please attach an image of what you are writing about. We cannot help you if we can't see the figure.

Click on "comment" or "reply" and then on the "attach" link.

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Please read my advice for Task 1 essays:

IELTS TASK 1: Hints, Tips And Advice

Vocabulary Words For Task 1: Reference Post

AlpheccaStars · Answer

file class 38The graph

What kind of graph is it? You can read my advice for the correct names of these figures.

file class 38illustrates

Not a good word choice. Read my advice for the best verbs to match the type of figure.

file class 38 by the most popular brands

How many brands? What are their names?

file class 38 from 2009 to 2013.

That implies a line graph with continuous sales data over that period.

Your first sentence is not ideal.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Your essay is too long. You have 245 words. The minimum is 150. The ideal length is 170-190 words. Your writing tends to be exceedingly verbose. If you would like a sample to study, you may ask for one.

The graph illustrates how many mobile phones by the most popular brands were sold from 2009 to 2013.

(See previous answer)

Overall, there was an increase in the number of mobile communicative devices (Oh that is a terrible mouthful! Why are you using such awkward phrases?) purchased by global customers when it comes to (poor English) Samsung, Apple, and ZTE company, while a decline was seen ~~the figures~~ for Nokia and LG company between 2009 and 2013. In addition, Samsung steadily emerged (wrong word) its sales, surpassed Nokia and ~~became the company to have~~ had the highest sales in ~~figure~~ by 2013.

The ~~mobile phone products sold by~~ Apple started at about 25 million devices, with a subsequent increase to just under 100 million in 2011 before ending the period at 150 million in 2013. ~~Similar changes, but to a larger extent,~~ Similarly, approximately 230 million Samsung ~~portable~~ phones were bought in 2009, after which it increased ~~considerably~~ to 320 million devices and 450 million devices in 2011 and 2013 respectively.

The sales of Nokia's phones ~~mobile phone over the world~~ consistently declined from its peak (wrong word - there is no peak here.) which was about 440 million, followed by a slight decrease to roughly 420 million in 2011 before ending at exactly 250 million devices in 2013. ~~The figures fo~~r Those of LG ~~witnessed~~ (Wrong word. Numbers cannot witness anything) exhibited / showed / had the same changes, decreasing ed from about 130 million phones ~~sold~~ to just under 100 million and 60 million in 2011 and 2013 in that order, while ~~the figures for~~ ZTE ~~saw~~ (wrong word) had the an opposite pattern; it ~~change~~, began at exactly 50 million and then slightly increased to roughly 55 million and 60 million respectively ~~throughout the perio~~d. (This is for a line graph, not a bar chart.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Topic:

The chart below shows global sales of the top five mobile phone brands between 2009 and 2013.

Write a report for a university, lecturer describing the information shown below.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

Outline:

Paragraph 1: Describe all the components of the figure. This gives the reader a good introduction to the essay.

Paragraph 2: Pick out the most important observations. Look at the "big picture" not the details. I decided to compare the total sales at the earliest date to those of the final date and count the number of companies whose sales went up. This is a good demonstration of "summarizing" rather than just copying the numbers from the chart to the text.

Paragraph 3: In the detail paragraph, I compare the relative increases or decreases, and the change in the relative ranking (positions) of the companies between 2009 and 2013.

The bar chart compares the global sales of mobile phones (in millions of units) among the five top manufacturers in 2009, 2011 and 2013. The companies are Samsung, Apple, Nokia, LG and ZTE.

Overall, these companies sold 885 million phones in 2009 and nearly a billion in 2013 although only three of them, Samsung, Apple and ZTE succeeded in increasing their sales.

In detail, Samsung had the highest growth, 225 million units. Its sales in 2013 (450 million) were a little more than Nokia's were in 2009 and that put it in top rank in 2013. In contrast, Nokia had the largest decline, from its first-place position of 440 million in 2009, down to 250 million in 2013. Apple was in last place in 2009 with 25 million, but increased its sales to 150 million, a factor of six, by 2013, ending in third place after Samsung and Nokia. LG fell from third position in 2009 (120 million) to fourth (80 million), whereas ZTE sales rose only slightly, from 50 to 60 million.

Could You Give Me Some Feedback On My Writing Task 1. Thank you so much

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