Could You Give Me Some Feedback On My Essay. Thank you so much

Question

Write an essay of about 250 words on the following topic:"The widespread use of the Internet has brought many problems. What do you think are the mainproblems associated with the use of the web? What solutions can you suggest"?It is true that the ubiquity of the Internet brings several disadvantages. The main reasons for this tendency are varied and there are a number of solutions which can be taken into consideration to tackle this problem.There are a host of main problems with the use of the Internet. The first reason is that despite being a virtual environment, the Internet may exert a great influence on users’ real life. Granted, the wise use of the Internet can do wonders, it could completely ruin somebody’s life. For instance, people who are cyberbullied on the Internet tend to have poor mental and physical health, and a few of them even choose suicide. Another problem is that on the grounds of being widely used, the Internet contains a great amount of fake news, which could affect negatively the community, especially during the outbreak of Covid 19.A number of solutions should be taken into accounts to deal with these issues. Firstly, the government should launch a campaign to demonstrate the right way to use the Internet and raise people’s awareness of the potential danger of the Internet. In this way, people can reap the benefits of the web and avoid getting scammed on the Internet, for example. Secondly, actions should be taken to eliminate inappropriate websites and fake information, as well as filter the news posted on the Internet in order to avoid fake news.In conclusion, there are various problems with the popular use of the web and appropriate steps need to be taken to address the problems.It would be great to see your feedback and if it is possible, I want to know my estimated band score. Thank you so much.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

~~It is true that~~ Avoid these dummy-it clauses. This one add no meaning at all; it only puts the doubt in the reader's mind that you might right false statements.) The ubiquity of the Internet brings (Does ubiquity bring disadvantages, or does the internet do that? ) several disadvantages. ~~The main reasons for this tendency are varied and there are a number of solutions which can be taken into consideration to tackle this problem.~~

(That statement has practically zero meaning. Almost everything in life has reasons, and everything has solutions. You could write that exact sentence without a single word change in any IELTS Task 2 asking for an opinion. Thus, it seems like a memorized sentence. Examiners do not reward memorization. They do reward thesis statements that are directly focused on the specific task.

e.g
Billons of people regularly use social networks hosted by the internet, and these can be very nasty, abusive and hostile environments, spreading fake news and subjecting innocent people to scams and fraud. However, the solution is to advise people to use these systems with great care. )

There are ~~a host of~~ two main problems with the use of the Internet. The first reason is that despite being a virtual environment, (The Internet consists of physical computers and communication networks with satellites, cables, and routers. It is physical. It is not virtual at all.) the Internet may exert a great influence on users’ lives. ~~real life~~. Granted, the wise use of the Internet can do wonders, it could completely ruin somebody’s life. For instance, people who are cyberbullied on the Internet (I think you are referring to social networks, not the internet in general. People can be bullied by other users on these networks, just as they can be bullied by classmates in school. You really need to think more carefully about your arguments. That will give your essay more coherence and cohesion. ) tend to have poor mental and physical health, and a few of them even choose suicide. Another problem is that on the grounds of being widely used, the Internet contains a great amount of fake news, which could affect negatively the community, especially during the outbreak of Covid 19.

A number of solutions should be taken into accounts (wrong form) to deal with these issues. ~~Firstly~~, First, the government should launch a campaign to demonstrate the right way to use the Internet and raise people’s awareness of the potential danger of social networks and suspicious websites. ~~the Internet~~. In this way, people can reap the benefits of the web and avoid getting scammed ~~on the Internet, for example~~. ~~Secondly~~, Second, actions should be taken to eliminate inappropriate websites and fake information, as well as ~~filter~~ censor the news posted on the Internet in order to ~~avoid~~ prohibit fake news.

In conclusion, there are various problems with the popular use of the web (summarize your specific points.) and appropriate steps need to be taken to address the problems.

Could You Give Me Some Feedback On My Essay. Thank you so much

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