Could someone be kind and help me to correct a motivate letter

Question

I am ____, strong advocate of business process management, industrial engineer and systems engineer. I appreciate this opportunity to introduce myself at your University and to apply for the Master of Science in ------------. With my educational background and working experience in the field of process management, I strongly believe that I am suitable candidate for the course. Since the beginning of my professional career I have developed a strong interest for the issues regarding business processes effectiveness and efficiency continuous improvement, especially projects involving integration with technology, as I advocate the opinion that process improvement should be supported, or enabled, through technology. That is why I enrolled myself in two different programs at the -------- university in ----------: Industrial Engineering and Systems Engineering, because I desired to have an interdisciplinary approach to this issues: On one hand, the information technology and systems approach of Systems Engineering and on the other, the business management approach of Industrial Engineering. Developing optimal solutions in response to business problems and opportunities has always captivated my interest, not only because of the great value and service that such activities offer to an organization, but also because the solution finding process itself involves not only technical but also managerial challenges that require innovation, creativity, communication, discipline and strong solving problems skills in order to use a holistic perspective and positively impact the organization as a whole. Moreover, the pursuit of an integrated view of information systems and a managerial perspective, has been a constant through my carrier in the financial and insurance services industry, and it is what brought my attention to the Information Systems program offered by the ---------------------. As soon as I read the course description I knew it was perfect for me, as you will see from the attached resume, process management has been almost an obsession to me and I gladly found it is one of the program thematic areas of specialization, which is very exciting because it will allow me to get a deeper understanding on the subject and will enable me to design, manage, and deliver better projects and solutions as process manager on inter-dependent processes optimization. The strong research orientation of the program will give me the tools and research methods knowledge I believe I need to accomplish one of my biggest goals which is to contribute as a researcher in the academia, something I haven’t have the opportunity to do yet but I hope I will begin at your university and I will continue doing in my country. Therefore, I would be honored if you decide to accept my request to be a master student at the ---------- university. Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

Clive · Accepted Answer

You need to organize this into paragraphs, ie in essay format.
An introductory paragraph.
A separate paragraph for each of your main points.
A concluding paragraph.
This will show that you have a controlled and analytic mind, and are able to organize your thoughts clearly.

Clive

Nathalia prada · Answer

Thank you Clive, your insights are extremely useful to me as I am not a native english speaker, here is my latest version of the letter:

Dear Madam, Sir,

I am _____, a Colombian industrial engineer, systems engineer and strong advocate of business process management. I appreciate this opportunity to introduce myself at your University and to apply for the ------- program. With my educational background and working experience in the field of process management, I strongly believe that I am suitable candidate for the course.

As an engineer, developing solutions in response to business problems and opportunities has always captivated my interest; not only because of the great value and service that such activities offer to an organization, but also because of the solution finding process itself, that usually involves tackling both technical and managerial needs that require applying innovation, creativity, communication, and solving problems skills. I found the topics that required holistic solutions especially engaging. Here, the complexity of the process involved and the interactions between them presented a particularly compelling challenge.

http://dico.isc.cnrs.fr/dico/en/search?b=1&r=furthermore, during my professional career in the financial and insurance services industry, I have developed a strong interest for the issues regarding the continuous improvement of the http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Effectiveness and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Efficiency of business processes, especially projects involving integration with technology, as I advocate the opinion that process improvement should be supported, or enabled, through technology. That is why I enrolled myself in two different programs at the ---- University in Colombia: Industrial Engineering and Systems Engineering, because I wanted to have an interdisciplinary approach to this matters: On one hand, the information technology and systems focus of Systems Engineering and on the other, the business management focus of Industrial Engineering.

That continuous pursuit of an integrated view of a managerial perspective, information systems and technology is what brought my attention to the Information Systems program offered by the ------ University. As soon as I read the course description I knew it was perfect for me, as you will see from the attached resume, process management has been almost an obsession to me and I gladly found it is one of the program thematic areas of specialization of the course, that is very exciting because it will allow me to get a deeper understanding on the subject and will enable me to design, manage, and deliver better projects and solutions as process manager. The strong research orientation of the program will give me the tools and research methods knowledge I believe I need to accomplish one of my biggest goals which is to contribute as a researcher in the academia, something I haven’t have the opportunity to do yet but I hope I will begin at your university and I will continue doing in my country.

Therefore, I would be honored if you decide to accept my application to be a master student at the ------- university.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.
Sincerely yours,

Clive · Answer

Each of your body paragraphs needs to start with a sentence that clearly states the overall point that you will elaborate on in the paragraph. I don't see that, particularly in your first two body paragraphs.

Think of it this way. If I read just the first sentence of each body paragraph, I should easily get a clear overall idea of why you want to do the program.

Try to keep your sentences reasonably short and direct. eg Your sentence that starts 'As an engineer' is much too long.

Focus mainly on now and on the future, rather than on the past.

Don't start with 'I am . . . '. Your name at the end is sufficient.

Clive

Anonymous · Answer

Hi my name is Nikola. Could somebody help me to correct my cover letter. I am not a native english speaker. Thank you soooo much.

Dear Mr. / Mrs.
In response to your recent advertisement in inspiringinterns.com, I would like to apply for the position of Accounting and Payroll Intern.

I am a fresh postgraduate of the Banking Institute in Prague, Czech Republic. I studied Economics and management with specialization on Finance. My education has provided me with a detailed knowledge of financial trades, economics and banking.

I also gained basic knowledge of accounting and bookkeeping but for the moment the knowledge I gained is just theoretical (I do not have work experience in accounting and I have never used accounting software before). I am very serious about my future career in accounting. I wold like to start my career like a Payroll Officer, hence why I think that doing a placement in your company will be great opportunity to gain an excellent payroll skills and valuable work experience. This will also be an exciting challenge which will expose me to many of the elements of accounting.

I am very responsible a trustworthy y person. I pay close attention to detail and I have the ability to enter all information into the computer system correctly. I have the ability to concentrate on what I am doing to prevent mistakes, even when there are things going on around me that could be distracting

I work well with others and get along with everyone and I learn very quickly. I have excellent time management skills and I am an active listener with the ability to focus on the information others are providing me with. Think that I have the skills to fill this position and
I look forward to meeting with you in person to discuss about this opportunity.
Sincerely,

Could someone be kind and help me to correct a motivate letter

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