Could somebody evaluate my essay?

Question

Hi, I would appreciate very much if somebody would evaluate my essay.
Topic: “When people succeed, it is because of hard work. Luck has
nothing to do with success.” Do you agree or disagree with the
quotation above? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your
position.

There is a huge diversity of people around the world. All of them have different opinions about certain things. The same applies when we talk about success. I have noticed that some people blame their luck when something goes wrong while others do not – They think that hard work is the key to success. In my opinion both of these views have are compelling though I agree with the latter one more than with the former.

Even if a particular person gives all his efforts, he may not be as successful as a person who is lucky. To illustrate, I am acquainted with a woman who despite the fact that is lazy has won a large amount of money in a lottery. She now owns a nice flat, drives a relatively new car, is able to afford some luxuries which are not common to ordinary people. Therefore, I assume she is quite a successful person and hard work has nothing to do with this success.

Though luck can be a way to success, I reckon that hard work is even more important than luck because people, who achieve very much in their lives, usually achieve it because of hard work. A case in point, we can look at Bill Gates. In my opinion luck has nothing to do with his success. When he was a young and unknown guy, he invested all his money to his company and worked very hard to make it successful. The same story applies to distinguished people like Mark Zuckerberg, Steve Jobs and others. I think they made it because of determination to work. Seldom can you see a person with such achievements only because of luck.

I assume that luck can sometimes help people to become successful. Nonetheless, it is very uncommon for people to win lotteries, come into a fortune or become famous by chance. Thus, hard work is the best way to become successful.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Here are some comments for you...

There is a huge diversity of people around the world. All of them have different opinions about certain things. (But there are only two opinions that are the subject of your essay. These opening sentences are not relevant to your essay.) The same applies when we talk about success. I have noticed that some people blame their luck when something goes wrong (something goes wrong - is that failure?) while others do not – They think that hard work is the key to success. In my opinion both of these views have are compelling though I agree with the latter ~~one~~ more than with the former.

Even if a particular person gives all his efforts, he may not be as successful (what to you mean bu successful? An essay should define what it is talking about.) as a person who is lucky. To illustrate, I am acquainted with a woman who, despite the fact that she is lazy, has won a large amount of money in a lottery. She now owns a nice flat, drives a relatively new car, and is able to afford some luxuries which are not accessible to ordinary people. Therefore, I assume she is quite a successful person and hard work had nothing to do with this success.

Though luck can be a way to success, I reckon that hard work is even more important than luck because people, who achieve very much in their lives, usually achieve it because of hard work. A case in point, we can look at Bill Gates. In my opinion luck had nothing to do with his success. When he was a young ~~and unknown~~ guy, he invested all his money in his company and worked very hard to make it successful. The same story applies to distinguished people like Mark Zuckerberg, Steve Jobs and others. I think they made it because of determination to work. Seldom can you see a person with such achievements only because of luck. (But weren't these guys extremely lucky to be born in the US in an age when technology was very new, to be white males, to have supportive families who gave them an education, to have high intelligence and no physical or mental handicaps, and good friends who assisted in their success, etc..? Indubitably, they worked hard, but they were enjoying their work at the same time. I think they were born lucky compared to most people in the world.)

I assume that luck can sometimes help people to become successful. Nonetheless, it is very uncommon for people to win lotteries, come into a fortune or become famous by chance. Thus, hard work is the best way to become successful.

Zygis · Answer

I've made some alterations. They are bolded.

Some people believe in luck and others do not. I have noticed that some people blame their luck when they fail, when they are not able to get things right.In contrast, other people do not – They tend think that hard work is the key to success. In my opinion both of these views are compelling though I agree with the latter more than with the former.

Even if a particular person gives all his efforts, he may not be as successful as a person who is lucky - for instance, he can live a less sustained life or have a less enjoyable job. I am acquainted with a woman who , despite the fact that she is lazy , has won a large amount of money in a lottery. She now owns a nice flat, drives a relatively new car, and is able to afford some luxuries which are not accessible to ordinary people. Therefore, I assume she is quite a successful person and hard work had nothing to do with this success.

Though luck can be a way to success, I reckon that hard work is even more important than luck because people, who achieve very much in their lives, usually achieve it because of hard work. A case in point, we can look at Bill Gates. In my opinion luck had nothing to do with his success. When he was a young guy, he invested all his money in his company and worked very hard to make it successful. The same story applies to distinguished people like Mark Zuckerberg, Steve Jobs and others. I think they made it because of determination to work. Seldom can you see a person with such achievements only because of luck.

I assume that luck can sometimes help people to become successful. Nonetheless, it is very uncommon for people to win lotteries, come into a fortune or become famous by chance. Thus, hard work is the best way to become successful.

Could somebody evaluate my essay?

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