Could I write it this way?

Hello. I posted this about a week ago...

"Susan has just got a new job. She was a little nervous to start, but I think it's going okay, though there was an incident two days ago. She had lost a big sale so the bossed yelled at her."

...and was told (as I suspected) that "but..." and "though..." don't go well together.

Could I write it this way instead and would it be natural?

"Susan has just got a new job. She was a little nervous to start, but I think it's going okay. There was an incident two days ago, though. She had lost a big sale so the bossed yelled at her."

Thank you.