Could anybody comment on this paragraph?

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Hi,Could anybody comment on this paragraph?"Since the child in question had serious limitations in receiving regular treatment due to recurrent pneumonia, and because of the discrepancies among references on the effect of neuromuscular electrical stimulation on pharyngeal dysphagia in children, and lack of studies on the effect of sensory and passive motor stimulation combined with neuromuscular electrical stimulation, the author suggests that clinical trials investigate the effect of neuromuscular electrical stimulation on the pharyngeal dysphagia in children as well as various factors affecting neuromuscular responses."Thanks!

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

gillyflower

Hi,
Could anybody comment on this paragraph?

Without knowing the background from which this paragraph came from, the awkward tone and contruction immediately made me want to stop reading after the first comma. The reason is, you used too many filler words that are either confusing or adding no semantic values to the core meaning of the paragraph. Here are a few things I have obsserved:
Child in question had serious limitations in receiving .... I can't understand the intent and reason starting the paragraph this way. I find it odd!
What is the reason for starting the sentence with "since"? Also after the first comma, you also used "due to" and "because" which suggest "causes".However, somewhere along the long-drawn-out sentence and 3 "ands", the causes disappeared.
It is clear that this is some kind of medical report, terminology aside, the writing should not be a stuggle to read and understand, as this is the case.
Also there is a comma splice before "the author....."
"Since the child in question had serious limitations in receiving regular treatment due to recurrent pneumonia, and because of the discrepancies among references on the effect of neuromuscular electrical stimulation on pharyngeal dysphagia in children, and lack of studies on the effect of sensory and passive motor stimulation combined with neuromuscular electrical stimulation, the author suggests that clinical trials investigate the effect of neuromuscular electrical stimulation on the pharyngeal dysphagia in children as well as various factors affecting neuromuscular responses."

Thanks!

gillyflower
Hi,
Could anybody comment on this paragraph?
"Since the child in question had serious limitations in receiving regular treatment due to recurrent pneumonia, and because of the discrepancies among references on the effect of neuromuscular electrical stimulation on pharyngeal dysphagia in children, and lack of studies on the effect of sensory and passive motor stimulation combined with neuromuscular electrical stimulation, the author suggests that clinical trials investigate the effect of neuromuscular electrical stimulation on the pharyngeal dysphagia in children as well as various factors affecting neuromuscular responses."

Thanks!

Teechr · Answer

gillyflowerCould anybody comment on this paragraph?

The text is fine as it stands. Ignore the comments by anonymous below.

Could anybody comment on this paragraph?

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