Corrections needed

Question

I was asked to state reasons "why I want to study in xxx university", I wrote the following draft. Please check it for mistakes and suggestions to further improve it are also welcomed.
(word limit 100 words)

I am very enthusiastic to get my PhD degree from well reputed university where I can apply my acquired knowledge and skills to do quality research. xxxxx University provides me an excellent opportunity to fulfil my dream as it is one of leading research institute in Australia with many distinguished scientists as professors and state of the art research facilities. Furthermore, the ongoing project “XYZ” under supervision of Professor xxxx, coincide with my research interests. I believe that this program would greatly benefit me in my career path. It would be a valuable opportunity for me to expend my knowledge and to learn valuable skills that will one day make me a better scientist.

Farhanullah · Accepted Answer

Please need help me I had to send this today.

Mister Micawber · Answer

It's main problem is that it says precisely what all the others do. You have obviously copied phrases from other examples (as have many other applicants before you!) The poor registrars who have to read innumerable cover letters like this day after day must go mad.

However, I can fix the grammar:

I am very enthusiastic about obtaining my PhD degree from a well-reputed university where I can apply my acquired knowledge and skills to do quality research. Xx University would provide me with an excellent opportunity to fulfil my dream, as it is a leading research institute in Australia, with many distinguished scientists as professors and state-of-the-art research facilities. Furthermore, the ongoing XYZ project under the supervision of Professor Yy, correpsonds with my research interests. I believe that this program would greatly benefit me in my career path. It would be a valuable opportunity for me to expand my knowledge and learn valuable skills that will one day make me a better scientist.

Farhanullah · Answer

Dear Micawber, you are right! I do copy some sentences and now realise that it make it worse. This time I tried again and come up with this draft. Its not so persuasive but atleast this what I want. Please do grammar check and also give me suggestions to further improve it. Thank you so much for your time

.

"To be a scientist in the field of Agricultural Biotechnology has been a part of my plans since my teen years. As 70% of my country economy depends on agriculture, I am therefore very much enthusiastic to do my PhD in this field from well reputed university and do my part in the development of agriculture sector in Pakistan. ********* University would provide me an excellent opportunity to acquire critical work and research experience. Furthermore, the ongoing project “xyz” under the supervision of Professor *******, perfectly corresponds with my research interests. I believe this is a perfect opportunity for me become a better scientist."

Mister Micawber · Answer

I think it is sufficient as corrected below. Short and sweet:

To be a scientist in the field of Agricultural Biotechnology has been a part of my career plans since my high school years. As 70% of my country's economy depends on agriculture, I am very enthusiastic about pursuing my PhD in this field from a well-reputed university and then be able to do my part in the development of Pakistan's agricultural sector. Xx University would provide me an excellent opportunity to acquire critical knowledge and research experience. Furthermore, the ongoing XYZ project under the supervision of Professor Yy perfectly corresponds with my research interests. I believe this would be a perfect opportunity for me to become a better biotechnology scientist.

Farhanullah · Answer

Thank You again for your time

Corrections needed

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