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Son James Posted 13 years ago
Grammar

Correction to wrong parts in my sentences?

I've translated some sentences by my mother language to ones by English. It is purely for my studying English. Could you check where are errors in [sample 2]?

[Sample1]
In a soft, rounded-tip bristled toothbrush,
Not only remove plaque on teeth but also clean all of the food particles and bacteria between teeth and gums.
In soft and durable toothbrush body,
It is designed to much lessen its pressure which may damage your teeth and gums, occurring when brushing them.
In anti-slip rubber toothbrush handle,
Since its handle is soft and easy graspable, you can feel more convenient when brushing your teeth and gums.

Therefore, we can fully guarantee that you can more easily and further comfortably control its direction as you want thanks to specially its increased flexibility rubber.

-With the above sentences, I want to make poetic writing used for an advertisement because I want simple sentences give readers strong impression.

[Sample2]
Soft, rounded-tip bristled toothbrush,
Not only remove plaque on teeth but also clean food particles and bacteria.
Soft and durable toothbrush body,
Designed to much lessen its pressure which may damage your teeth and gums.
Anti-slip rubber toothbrush handle,
Since its handle is soft and easy graspable,feel your brushing more convenient!

Guaranteed you can easily & comfortably control its direction as you want thanks to its increased flexibility rubber.

Please correct wrong parts in the above writing.

Thank you for your teaching in advance.
  

Top answer

Son James, how is my friend today? I just believe that this might be closer to what you are wanting to say. I used to actually work doing a little advertising copy, but I didn't want to change it too much from the original.

  • Son James, how is my friend today?
  • I just believe that this might be closer to what you are wanting to say.
  • I used to actually work doing a little advertising copy, but I didn't want to change it too much from the original.
  • Soft, rounded-tip bristled toothbrush, Not only removes plaque on teeth, but also cleans food particles and bacteria.
  • Soft and durable toothbrush body, Designed to lessen pressure which may damage your teeth and gums.
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3 Answers
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Son James, how is my friend today? I just believe that this might be closer to what you are wanting to say. I used to actually work doing a little advertising copy, but I didn't want to change it too much from the original.

Soft, rounded-tip bristled toothbrush,
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I'm fine. Thank you for asking me for my today and really appreciate for your correction. Emotion: embarrassed. I hope you also have a good day!

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