correction 3

Question

0On my way to work this morning, I was pulled over in front of the gas station. Passing motorists curiously stared at me as they cruised down the highway. It was the first time I was pulled over in 3 years. The officer walked over and asked, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" I thought to myself, "Because you saw a box of doughnuts on my dashboard?". Holding back the thought, I seriously said, "No. Did I violate something?" He hesitated for a moment that I thought he somehow read the criticism on my face, "Where have you been?" "Nowhere. Just got up and on my way to work. Why?" "Your car seriously need a wash. The plate number is nearly invisible (please suggest a word)." At this point, I was a bit annoyed. I'd been pulled over because I'd been working hard every day for the last 3 weeks and hadn't have time to wash my car. Give me a break. But I politely said, "Sorry, Officer. I've been really busy lately." Trying to be funny, "It looks like it's going to rain. It'll be like new in a couple of hours." He didn't buy (Is this a right word to use?)the joke and gave me a warning and left after checking my driver's license and insurance. 02br02br00Are there any mistakes?02br02br00Thanks in advance!0-

Delmobile · Accepted Answer

0Here's my stab at it. I sort of took a lot of dramatic license 05001blockquote

01cite10New2grammar12cite10On my way to work this morning, 11font10a cop pulled me over12font10 in front of the gas station. It was the first time 11font10I'd been12font10 pulled over in 3 years. 11font10I sat there waiting, watching the 12font10passing motorists 11font10stare curiously12font10 at me as they cruised down the highway. The officer walked 11font10up to my window 12font10and asked, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" 12br
10I thought to myself, "Because you saw a box of doughnuts on my dashboard?"11font10 [omit period here]12font10 11font10Aloud, I said only,12font10 "No. Did I violate something?" 12br
10He hesitated for 11font10so long12font10 that I thought he 11font10had 12font10somehow read 11font10my sarcastic thoughts 12font10on my face, 11font10then finally said, 12font10"Where have you been?" 12br
10"Nowhere. 11font10I j12font10ust got up and 11font10now I'm 12font10on my way to work. Why?" 12br
10"Your car seriously need11font10s12font10 a wash. 11font10It's almost impossible to read your tag number."12font10 (please suggest a word)11font10 [the word you were looking for might be "obscured"] 12font12br
10 At this point, I was a bit annoyed. 11font10B12font10ecause I'd been working hard every day for the last 3 weeks and hadn't have time to wash my car, 11font10I was being pulled over12font10. Give me a break, 11font10I wanted to say. [this might be stronger if you inserted a modifier for break, maybe even an expletive if that would be appropriate] 12font10But 11font10instead I said12font10 politely, "Sorry, Officer. I've been really busy lately." Trying to be funny, 11font10I added, 12font10"It looks like it's going to rain. It'll be like new in a couple of hours." 12br
10He 11font10obviously 12font10didn't buy (Is this a right word to use? 11font10yep, fine12font10) the joke. After checking my driver's license and insurance, he gave me a warning 11font10and finally allowed me to drive away12font10. 11font10Now I would be late for work. But, I thought, at least he didn't give me a ticket. I supposed I should count my blessings. 12font12br
12br
12blockquote

10 010id1

New2grammar · Answer

0Wow. Your corrections make the passage alive. I really tried hard to make it alive and natural but clearly, it's no where close. I need to read a lot more.02br
02br
00As usual, I'll follow up with a couple of questions to make sure I understand the corrections. Herea re my questions02br
02br
00The officer walked 01font00up to my window 02font00and asked, 02br
02br
001. Why does "walk over" sound to you? Poor choice?02br
02br
00He hesitated for 01font00so long02font00 that I thought he 01font00had 02font00somehow read 01font00my sarcastic thoughts 02font00on my face02br
02br
002. Can I use 'for a moment' if that's really what happened? How would you change the sentence to accomodate" for a moment."02br
02br
003. What's the difference between a tag number and a plate number? Why is tag number prefered in this context?02br
02br
00Thanks in advance!0-

Delmobile · Answer

0 That's not true; your version was very natural. I loved the box of doughnuts joke, and the crack about the rain, too. I only filled in a little bridge here and there. 02br
00 I chose "walk up" because, at least in my experience, when a cop pulls you over, they then pull over behind you and walk up to your car. Or I suppose sometimes they are in front of you and then walk back. "Over" sounds like he was parked next to you, which seems a little odd, particularly if you are on the side of the road. I added the "window" part to make it clear that you had remained in the car.02br
02br
00Sure, "for a moment" would be fine. "He hesitated for a moment. I thought he had somehow read..." Or you could move the moment part to yourself. "He hesitated before answering. For a moment I thought somehow he had read..."02br
00"Tag" numbers are just what they are called where I live, so to be honest I changed it without thinking. I'm not sure whether this is a regional thing and if so where the regions are, but come to think of it "plate" is probably more universally understood than "tag." So change it back 050010id1

New2grammar · Answer

0Delmobile, Thanks for the explanations.  I have a more question but it has nothing to do with this tread. So, I'll create a new one. 0-

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