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Anonymous Posted 12 years ago
Grammar
Correct sentence structure?
Hello,
I would really appreciate clarification and a second opinion with respect to how I have structured the sentence below. I am specifically unsure of two components of the phrase: my use of a semi-colon, and my use of "which" (following "qualities"). Would I be able to use "for which" rather than "which" in this situation?
Sentence in question:
Therefore, another aspiration of mine for this letter is to depict how my post-secondary experiences have amplified the very qualities in me that were formerly muffled in high school; qualities which now make me an ideal candidate to study at x university.
Thank you in advance for any criticism or comments.
I would really appreciate clarification and a second opinion with respect to how I have structured the sentence below. I am specifically unsure of two components of the phrase: my use of a semi-colon, and my use of "which" (following "qualities"). Would I be able to use "for which" rather than "which" in this situation?
Sentence in question:
Therefore, another aspiration of mine for this letter is to depict how my post-secondary experiences have amplified the very qualities in me that were formerly muffled in high school; qualities which now make me an ideal candidate to study at x university.
Thank you in advance for any criticism or comments.
Top answer
Yipes! or any letter. You will simply alienate your reader if you write like that.
- Yipes!
- or any letter.
- You will simply alienate your reader if you write like that.
- I see no substantive information in the entire sentence; delete it from your text.
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2 Answers
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Yipes! The whole thing is terribly turgid and over-stylized for a cover letter or motivation letter...or any letter. You will simply alienate your reader if you write like that. I see no substantive information in the entire sentence; delete it from your text.
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Mister MicawberYipes! The whole thing is terribly turgid and over-stylized for a cover letter or motivation letter.Unfortunately, I concur. The sentence is a veritable paragon of vacuous circumlocution.
Simple eloquence is a much better approach to impressing readers.
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