Correct my writing plz :'(

Question

My essay: The line chart reveals the total number of people, as well as where they stayed, visiting a typical Caribbean island between 2010 and 2017. The data is measured by millions of visitors.  Overall, the total number of tourists coming to the island increased tremendously in the 7 year period.  A similar trend was witnessed in the quantity of  “visitors staying on cruise ships” whilst the progression for people staying on the island remained unchanged in most parts.In particular, there was a quarter of a million tourists residing on the island at the beginning of the period, approximately 500,000 above those on cruise ships. However, in 2012, there was a fall in the previous while the number of the tourist’s count for the latter showed remarkable growth, reaching 1.5 million in 2013. Moreover, the number of people staying on the island remained stable between 2013 and 2015. Meanwhile, there was a sharp increase in the number of visitors staying on cruise ships, from half of a million to nearly 1.25 million, and then it surpassed the former data in mid-2015. In 2015, whilst the number of people staying on cruise ships showed a slight decrease prior to a slight growth to 1.5 million, the number of those on the island continued to increase sharply, reaching 2 million at the end of the period.As a result of the growth in the two sectors, total visits began at a million in 2010, and grew steadily through to 2015, before having a brief plateau at around 2.7 million through 2016. In 2017, it increased sharply to 3.5 million, which was over triple the immediate amount.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Please read my advice for Task 1 essays:

IELTS TASK 1: Hints, Tips And Advice

Vocabulary Words For Task 1: Reference Post

AlpheccaStars · Answer

You wrote over 270 words, while the minimum is 150.

You will not lose points for writing more; however, longer essays generally do not get high scores. There are many reasons.

First, the longer the essay, the more chances you have to make errors, and you will lose points for these errors.

Second, especially in Task 2, your writing may be repetitious and wordy. In Task 1, you are likely writing about everything, rather than following the instructions and picking out only the significant points. This will cost you points.

Third, you will take a lot of the limited time writing, and not have time left over to proofread your essay. You will miss the silly mistakes, and that lowers your score.

Fourth, you will not have enough time to devote to Task 2, and get a lower score there. Task 2 counts twice as much for your overall score.

This essay is verbose and difficult to follow. You need to focus on the main features and "big picture, rather than writing about each curve separately. In particular, the total number is the simple addition of the other two, so it does not need to be treated separately.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

The line chart (wrong word ) reveals (Not a good word choice. Read my advice) the total number of people, as well as where they stayed, visiting a typical (wrong word - Not in the instructions.) Caribbean island between 2010 and 2017. (You already wrote "numbers". Units of measure is not necessary. It is "numbers".) ~~The data is measured by millions of visitors.~~

Overall, the total number of tourists coming to the island increased tremendously in the 7 year period. A similar trend was witnessed (wrong word. Read my advice) in the quantity (wrong word. Quantity of people is unnatural.) are not of “visitors staying on cruise ships” (You did not mention cruise ships in the opening paragraph.) whilst the progression (wrong word) for people staying on the island remained unchanged in most parts. (Not a good phrase)

In particular, there was (wrong verb form) a quarter of a million tourists residing (It is not about residents - people who live there. It is about tourists who stay in hotels ) on the island in 2010 ~~at the beginning of the period~~, approximately 500,000 above those on cruise ships. However, in 2012, there was a fall in the previous (Unnatural) while the number of the tourist’s count (unnatural) for the latter showed remarkable growth, reaching 1.5 million in 2013. Moreover, the number of people staying on the island ~~remained~~ was constant ~~stable~~ between 2013 and 2015. Meanwhile, there was a sharp increase in the number of visitors staying on cruise ships, from half of a million to nearly 1.25 million, and then it surpassed the former data (Not good English) in mid-2015. In 2015, whilst the number of people staying on cruise ships showed a slight decrease prior to a slight growth (too wordy) to 1.5 million, the number of those on the island continued to increase sharply, reaching 2 million at the end of the period.

As a result of the growth in the two sectors, (wrong word) total visits began at a million in 2010, and grew steadily through to 2015, before having a brief plateau at around 2.7 million through 2016. In 2017, it increased sharply to 3.5 million, which was over triple the immediate (wrong word) amount.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

The line graph gives the numbers of people who vacationed on a Caribbean island from 2010 to 2017. Three curves are plotted; those who stayed on the island, those who stayed on a cruise ship, and the total of all visitors.

Overall, the numbers of tourists steadily increased but for a short pause 2015-16. The cruise ship passengers accounted for most of this rise. Visitors who stayed on the island outnumbered those who came by ship until mid-2015.

From 2010-2013, between 1/4 and 1/2 million visited by ship, far less than those who stayed there. The total doubled from 1 to 2 million, as the number of tourists in island hotels doubled, from 0.75 to 1.5 million. It remained at 1.5 million through 2017 except for a slight dip to 1.25 million in 2016. In contrast, after 2012, the numbers who came by ship rose nearly in a straight line, from 0.25 to 2 million. Thus, in 2017, the majority of tourists, 2 out of 3.5 million, stayed on a cruise ship.

Correct my writing plz :'(

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions