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Anonymous Posted 16 years ago
Essay & Composition Writing

Correct my paragraph.

Death Strikes
There were many people in the water waiting to put their boats on their trailers at Hillside Lake on that tragic July afternoon. I felt hot and sticky waiting on the lake, frantically maneuvering my small aluminum boat closer to the ramp, but I knew my turn was still a long way away. Slowly, ominous black clouds that had been building on the horizon rolled closer and closer. Thunder shook the huge lade as if it were a glass of water, vibrating, nearly ready to fall off some gigantic rock and shatter on the ground. Suddenly, the sky began to pour, as if someone had opened a faucet. I remember looking at the old man in the boat next to me and how his head turned so quickly. I can remember hearing a high0 pitched hum, like a camera flash charging up. Quickly, instinctively, I jerked my head around to my left toward the shore and say the massive bolt of lightning fly down from the sky into a man's chest. He arched his back and was thrown into the water. The lightning hit him as though a refrigerator had been dropped on him. He was only thirty-three years old, and he died right in front of me, a sight that will stay in my memory. like a stain, forever. Death can strike anyone at any time, and I know now that eighteen does not mean immortal.
  

Top answer

I have underlined any problem areas: Death Strikes There were many people in the water (awkward image) waiting to put their boats on their trailers at Hillside Lake on that tragic July afternoon. I felt hot and sticky waiting on the lake, frantically maneuvering my small aluminum boat closer to the ramp, but I knew my turn was still a long way away. Slowly, ominous black clouds that had been building on the horizon rolled closer and closer.

  • I have underlined any problem areas: Death Strikes There were many people in the water (awkward image) waiting to put their boats on their trailers at Hillside Lake on that tragic July afternoon.
  • I felt hot and sticky waiting on the lake, frantically maneuvering my small aluminum boat closer to the ramp, but I knew my turn was still a long way away.
  • Slowly, ominous black clouds that had been building on the horizon rolled closer and closer.
  • Thunder shook the huge lade as if it were a glass of water, vibrating, nearly ready to fall off some gigantic rock and shatter on the ground (Metaphor is far too extended).
  • Suddenly, the sky began to pour , as if someone had opened (word choice ) a faucet.
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1 Answers
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I have underlined any problem areas:

Death Strikes

There were many people in the water (awkward image) waiting to put their boats on their trailers at Hillside Lake on that tragic July afternoon. I felt hot and sticky waiting on the lake, frantically maneuvering my small aluminum boat closer to the ramp, but I knew my turn was still a long way away. Sl

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