Correct my little detective story pls English ones!!

0 Heey, could any of you advanced in English correct my little detective story! The assignment was to02br
00write two or three paragraphs in order to get the readers attention, so that it02br
00makes them want to read more of it. Should have been Raymond Chandler style-ish!02br
00give your comment and corrections, advise, I have to hand it in tomorrow!02br
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00Another Ordinary Night02br
00It was just another ordinary night at Al's bar. An unlucky fly paced up and down the window, looking for escape. While Al poured in some coffee for the lady and man having loud laughters audiable outside the bar, he saw/sees a dark figure entering the bar. This man was dressed in long manteling black mackintosh and a hat bent far over, covering his appearance. Without saluting he quietly sat down at the far end of the bar, isolated from the rest and and signs Al, the bartender to take his order. ''Give me the strongest what you've got'' he growled with his low and hoarse voice. 01i00Right away sir02i00 replied Al benevolent, like he always is and gets a bottle of whisky for his mysteriously strange customer. ''So, are you new in this neighbourhood, because I haven't seen you before?'' Sluggishly the man turned his face to Al, just enough to cast a fierce eye on Al, making clear that he didn't appreciate a sociable chat. Al moved away from this anti-social mystique figure and took the bill of the couple as they were mischiviously flirting. The couple gave Al a big smile for his hospitality and left the bar hand in hand looking intimimately to each other. When the door closed with a bang, Al turned around to wash the dirty glasses.02br
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00Without turning to his enigmatic customer a strange feeling crawls within him. He didn't find it pleasant being in one room with a chap like this, half expecting to be grabbed and ripped to shreds, but he didn't let himself get scared/calmed himself, because he had served worse. Just as he was about to dry the glasses, he heard the door close with a silent click. He turned around and was able to see the dark man vanishing from sight in the deserted street. He walks back to the place where the man had sat down and his eye caughts a note of hundred pound lying peacefully next to the empty glass of whisky staring at him. I was completely dumbfounded! 01i00Could it be a mistake? No, of course not, the man just wanted to set right his unmannerly behaviour. 02i00Highly satiated Al looked again to his note of hundred pound. Then he noticed that the customer had spilled some drink on the dark mahogany-coloured bar surface. Al took his piece of cloth and cleaned the spilled drink, as the smile on his face turned into abomination. The spilled liquid didn't turn out to be whisky, but dark-red blood. Frightened Al dropped his rag and looks at the floor, on which drops of blood leading to the exit. Panic strikes him through the head as he realized that this man could have been the serial killer, the police have been looking for weeks on end....02br
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00Written by Faisal Syed02br
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