Correct an IELTS essay about education

Hello, I will be grateful If you can correct this IELTS essay for me. The topic is:

Many people believe that schools should teach children to become good citizens and workers rather than independent individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give your own opinion and relevant examples.

And here is my essay.

In our fast-moving society, the demand for a well-being life has led to the idea that educational institutions should train students to become high-quality staff rather than independent people. In my opinion, however, an individual should both be taught to become a well-trained and self-sufficient person when in school as they are necessary skills to live and work in the modern world.

First of all, an industry-oriented world as present always requires people to become professional at their jobs and contribute maximally to the society. In a company, an employee who performs his work smoothly and dedicatedly will surely get a pay-rise or even a big promotion. An inspiring leader who devotes the entire life to the development of his society might win people’s trust and respect, and perhaps get more advantages in an important selection. Therefore, people who are well-trained at schools and show their dedication at work will be more appreciated in current society.

In addition to, the role of being independent cannot be underestimated. An independent individual means he is responsible for his behavior and will not try to make any excuses or blame on someone else when things go wrong. It is even more vital to be responsible because in that way, we can easily determine the roots of any problem and work on more effective solutions. Plus, being independent also means being self-sufficient, which means a person can provide himself with his job without being a burden of his family or friends.

To conclude, the ability to become an excellent worker and independent individual will contributor to the success of people in their life. These two features are equally essential, therefore, one needs to achieve both form school in order to complete themselves and be a great asset to their society.