0
Nmstar28 Posted 16 years ago
Essay & Composition Writing
College essay
Hi! I really want someone to go over my main college essay that I'm sending out to some schools. I'm putting this essay up for someone to go over because you guys don't know me, and it you guys will let me know what sounds weird! Thanks so much!
THE PROMPT: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
My mother has always said that I was a ?quiet and observant child?. I?ve come to find this statement true, even to this day. I was very shy and quiet, the complete opposite of my younger brother who would run up the walls when asked to sit still. In my younger years, I spent most of my time reading or at church. Until a fateful mission trip, I did not realize the importance of overcoming such meekness.
Hennepin Avenue United Methodist Church is like a family. This family is big, but its members could never feel more connected. Not only are we connected within ourselves; we?re connected with the world. Leaving our Minneapolis area to do volunteer work starts young. My first mission trips to North Dakota and North Carolina gave me skills in roofing, painting, and building. I was timid in those days, confiding in only my church friends and practically ignoring others from that were not from my group.
The summer before my junior year of high school, I went to Tsaile, Arizona to work on a Native American reservation. We went with an organization called Sierra Service Project, a non-profit group that focused on mainly rural community service with a foundation of Christianity and community building. When first arriving to Tsaile, I was surprised at the setting: wild dogs, sheep, goats and horses running freely and desert that seemed to go on forever, until blue hazed mountains surrounded, like an arid and bare version of a snow globe. It wasn?t as hot as I expected; we were in the mountains. However, it wasn?t the environment that I was startled by. Upon entering our establishment, we were hit with such friendliness and welcome that it was almost embarrassing. The staff greeted us with such love it was as if we were lost relatives to them.
Joining us was a group from California, who were almost as affectionate as the staff. Was it just me, or were all of the Minnesotans taken aback by all this love? Nevertheless, my youth group acclimated to this foreign behavior. Soon, we were chummy along with the others. I, in particular, broke out of my shell in a way that seemed alien. In no time, I embraced these Californians and staff as my own.
My work group became very special to me. The work groups were comprised of people from the two churches, plus adults to supervise. Our job was to roof a house for a man who lived in the middle of the desert. Although the supervisors had disagreements, the rest of us became close friends. In just a week, we had expressed our ideas on Christianity and confided in each other about personal problems. We also heightened our physical capabilities and our leadership experiences.
I cried when our time was over in Arizona, knowing I would probably not see the staff and Californians again. Leaving, I realized that I had become more social than I was previously. Returning to Minnesota, I surprised my parents with my newly found extrovert. I started my second season for the swim team with a fresh burst of confidence. This confidence is probably the reason why I gained the title of captain for the 2010 season. In school, I was no longer scared of presentations or talking to people I didn?t know. From my Arizona experience, I settled on the thought of becoming a communicator and helping others for a future career. It has contributed to my aspiration of being a social worker.
I have since been to California with Sierra Service Project and have received the same life changing experience I did in Arizona. This coming summer, I plan to travel to Honduras with the same organization to improve my Spanish skills and help people who need my service. Arizona hasn?t completely changed me. I still have a quiet voice and I can?t yell loudly enough to get the attention of my fellow swimmers and divers, but I have gained a sociability that has prepared me for the rest of my life. My amiability and leadership skills gained from Sierra Service Project would be a great addition to DePaul University.
AGAIN, please do not be light on criticism! I really want to hear what you guys have to say so I can make it better! THANKS!
THE PROMPT: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
My mother has always said that I was a ?quiet and observant child?. I?ve come to find this statement true, even to this day. I was very shy and quiet, the complete opposite of my younger brother who would run up the walls when asked to sit still. In my younger years, I spent most of my time reading or at church. Until a fateful mission trip, I did not realize the importance of overcoming such meekness.
Hennepin Avenue United Methodist Church is like a family. This family is big, but its members could never feel more connected. Not only are we connected within ourselves; we?re connected with the world. Leaving our Minneapolis area to do volunteer work starts young. My first mission trips to North Dakota and North Carolina gave me skills in roofing, painting, and building. I was timid in those days, confiding in only my church friends and practically ignoring others from that were not from my group.
The summer before my junior year of high school, I went to Tsaile, Arizona to work on a Native American reservation. We went with an organization called Sierra Service Project, a non-profit group that focused on mainly rural community service with a foundation of Christianity and community building. When first arriving to Tsaile, I was surprised at the setting: wild dogs, sheep, goats and horses running freely and desert that seemed to go on forever, until blue hazed mountains surrounded, like an arid and bare version of a snow globe. It wasn?t as hot as I expected; we were in the mountains. However, it wasn?t the environment that I was startled by. Upon entering our establishment, we were hit with such friendliness and welcome that it was almost embarrassing. The staff greeted us with such love it was as if we were lost relatives to them.
Joining us was a group from California, who were almost as affectionate as the staff. Was it just me, or were all of the Minnesotans taken aback by all this love? Nevertheless, my youth group acclimated to this foreign behavior. Soon, we were chummy along with the others. I, in particular, broke out of my shell in a way that seemed alien. In no time, I embraced these Californians and staff as my own.
My work group became very special to me. The work groups were comprised of people from the two churches, plus adults to supervise. Our job was to roof a house for a man who lived in the middle of the desert. Although the supervisors had disagreements, the rest of us became close friends. In just a week, we had expressed our ideas on Christianity and confided in each other about personal problems. We also heightened our physical capabilities and our leadership experiences.
I cried when our time was over in Arizona, knowing I would probably not see the staff and Californians again. Leaving, I realized that I had become more social than I was previously. Returning to Minnesota, I surprised my parents with my newly found extrovert. I started my second season for the swim team with a fresh burst of confidence. This confidence is probably the reason why I gained the title of captain for the 2010 season. In school, I was no longer scared of presentations or talking to people I didn?t know. From my Arizona experience, I settled on the thought of becoming a communicator and helping others for a future career. It has contributed to my aspiration of being a social worker.
I have since been to California with Sierra Service Project and have received the same life changing experience I did in Arizona. This coming summer, I plan to travel to Honduras with the same organization to improve my Spanish skills and help people who need my service. Arizona hasn?t completely changed me. I still have a quiet voice and I can?t yell loudly enough to get the attention of my fellow swimmers and divers, but I have gained a sociability that has prepared me for the rest of my life. My amiability and leadership skills gained from Sierra Service Project would be a great addition to DePaul University.
AGAIN, please do not be light on criticism! I really want to hear what you guys have to say so I can make it better! THANKS!
Top answer
Hi nmstar; Some of the punctuation is strange. Maybe this is just the pasting that you did and the character conversions. I didn't mark these, but did make some suggestions for you to consider.
- Hi nmstar; Some of the punctuation is strange.
- Maybe this is just the pasting that you did and the character conversions.
- I didn't mark these, but did make some suggestions for you to consider.
- My mother has always said (Do you mean this to be past tense?
- quiet and observant child?.
Get the Weekly English Kit 📬
New words, one handy idiom, and a 2-minute quiz — delivered to your inbox to keep your streak alive.
1 Answers
0
Hi nmstar;
Some of the punctuation is strange. Maybe this is just the pasting that you did and the character conversions. I didn't mark these, but did make some suggestions for you to consider.
My mother has always said (Do you mean this to be past tense? Does she still say this?) that I was a ?quiet and observant child?. I?ve come to find this statement true, even to th
Some of the punctuation is strange. Maybe this is just the pasting that you did and the character conversions. I didn't mark these, but did make some suggestions for you to consider.
My mother has always said (Do you mean this to be past tense? Does she still say this?) that I was a ?quiet and observant child?. I?ve come to find this statement true, even to th
0
Related Questions