College Admissions Essay

Question

Hi there! I would love to get some feedback on my college essay. Feel free to be as critical and thorough as you like. The prompt: Describe any special circumstances or hurdles that have challenged you personally or academically, and steps you have taken to move beyond those challenges. AND/OR Reflect on a meaningful experience or personal highlight that has enriched your life.

Thank you!

For the past six months I have been living abroad in the Republic of Georgia. I am staying with a local family in the country's capital, Tbilisi. I teach English in a large public school to children in the first through fourth grades. Every morning I am greeted by countless "Hellos", hugs and cheek kisses. The classrooms are small, each equipped with a single blackboard and a few pieces of chalk. My students are eager and excited to learn English, and take great delight in our daily lessons. Teaching English abroad with so little resources and with minimal knowledge of the local language has required me to think and work on a whole new level. Every day I put all of my energy into creating an exciting and innovative environment for my students. Today, my fourth graders gleefully presented their Romeo and Juliet skits that they have been working on all month. When I arrived to Georgia these same students could barely recite the English alphabet. I feel so much pride and accomplishment when I think of how much my students have learned.

Dealing with culture shock and getting to my current level of comfortableness and acceptance has not been easy. Living in Georgia has required me to be very open-minded in order to adapt to many different situations. Due to the huge language barrier, simple every-day tasks become difficult. I am constantly playing "charades" as well as using exaggerated facial expressions in order to communicate. I must always be careful to respect cross-cultural differences and local customs, while at the same time try to analyze and learn more about them. Through these challenges, however, I have been given the wonderful opportunity to fully immerse myself in the local language and culture. I look at this experience as a unique educational opportunity in which I have been able to take a more holistic approach in studying a different culture and society. I am able to observe Georgian culture not only from the outside as a foreigner, but from within, living as a member of a local family and community. This experience abroad has greatened my desire to have a better understanding of human behavior not only in other cultures, but also my own. I believe that this understanding can be gained by having an open mind and a passion for learning and discovery.

Clive · Accepted Answer

Hi,

The standard essay organization consists of
an introductory paragraph
a body paragraph for each of your main pints
a concluding paragraph

You haven't done this. Is that because you consciously chose not to, or because you are not familiar with the merits of this approach? I recommend it. You have interesting things to say, so you should focus on organizing them in the best way you can.

Clive

Anonymous · Answer

Hi Clive,

Thank you for your response. I have done a little editing, and also added a rough intro/conclusion. I appreciate your feedback because I am living abroad and have no one to "peer review" my essay.

After graduating from Community College I knew that I wanted to pursue a gap year abroad before continuing my studies at a 4-year university. Like most eighteen year-olds, I didn’t have a clear idea of what I wanted to pursue academically, let alone what career I would decide upon. I wanted an opportunity to think independently and grow as a person, gain valuable life experience and a new perspective, as well as overcome challenges. I was immediately drawn to a teaching program in the Republic of Georgia. The program would allow me to live and work in foreign country where I could study and be immersed in a new culture, learn a new language, and even gain work experience.

For the past seven months I have been living abroad in the Republic of Georgia. I am staying with a local family in the country’s capital, Tbilisi. I teach English in a large public school to children in the first through fourth grades. Every morning I am greeted by countless “Hellos”, hugs and cheek kisses. The classrooms are small, each equipped with a single blackboard and a few pieces of chalk. My students are eager and excited to learn English, and take great delight in our daily lessons. Teaching English abroad with so little resources and with minimal knowledge of the local language has required me to think and work on a whole new level. Every day I put all of my energy into creating an exciting and innovative environment for my students. Today, my fourth graders gleefully presented their Romeo and Juliet skits that they have been working on all month. When I arrived to Georgia these same students could barely recite the English alphabet. I feel so much pride and accomplishment when I think of how much my students have learned.

Dealing with culture shock and getting to my current level of comfort and acceptance has not been easy. Living in Georgia has required me to be very open-minded in order to adapt to many different situations. Due to the huge language barrier, simple every-day tasks become difficult. I am constantly playing “charades” as well as using exaggerated facial expressions in order to communicate. I must always be careful to respect cross-cultural differences and local customs, while at the same time try to analyze and learn more about them. Through these challenges, however, I have been given the wonderful opportunity to fully immerse myself in the local language and culture. I look at this experience as a unique educational opportunity in which I have been able to take a more holistic approach in studying a different culture and society. I am able to observe Georgian culture not only from the outside as a foreigner, but from within, living as a member of a local family and community. This experience abroad has greatened my desire to have a better understanding of human behavior not only in other cultures, but also my own. I believe that this understanding can be gained by having an open mind and a passion for learning and discovery.

Working and living in Georgia has exceeded my expectations. I feel that I have grown so much in what seems like so little time. Being immersed in a foreign country with such an unfamiliar culture has taught me to think and work independently, and has given me some serious perspective that I cannot wait to utilize in the classroom. I have found some of what inspires and motivates me as a person, and I am so grateful to have been given this incredible opportunity

Clive · Answer

Hi,

I take it that your topic is this.
Reflect on a meaningful experience or personal highlight that has enriched your life.

Much better. Here are a few more edits and comments.

After graduating from Community College I knew that I wanted to pursue a gap year abroad before continuing my studies at a 4-year university. Like most eighteen hyphen year-olds, I didn’t don't use abbreviations have a clear idea of what I wanted to pursue academically, let alone what career I would decide upon. I wanted an opportunity to think independently and grow as a person, gain valuable life experience and a new perspective, as well as overcome challenges. I was immediately drawn to a teaching program in the Republic of Georgia. The program would allow me to live and work in a foreign country where I could study and be immersed in a new culture, learn a new language, and even gain work experience.

For the past seven months I have been living abroad in the Republic of Georgia. I am staying with a local family in the country’s capital, Tbilisi. I teach English in a large public school to children in the first through fourth grades. Every morning I am greeted by countless “Hellos”, hugs and cheek kisses. The classrooms are small, each equipped with a single blackboard and a few pieces of chalk. My students are eager and excited to learn English, and take great delight in our daily lessons. Teaching English abroad with so few resources and with minimal knowledge of the local language has required me to think and work on a whole new level. Every day I put all of my energy into creating an exciting and innovative environment for my students. Today, my fourth graders gleefully presented their Romeo and Juliet skits that they have been working on all month. When I arrived in Georgia these same students could barely recite the English alphabet. I feel so much pride and accomplishment when I think of how much my students have learned.

Dealing with culture shock and getting to my current level of comfort and acceptance has not been easy. Living in Georgia has required me to be very open-minded in order to adapt to many different situations. Due to the huge language barrier, simple every no hyphen -day tasks become difficult. I am constantly playing “charades” as well as using exaggerated facial expressions in order to communicate. I must always be careful to respect cross-cultural differences and local customs, while at the same time trying to analyze and learn more about them. Through these challenges, however, I have been given the wonderful opportunity to fully immerse myself in the local language and culture. I look at this experience as a unique educational opportunity in which I have been able to take a more holistic approach in studying a different culture and society. I am able to observe Georgian culture not only from the outside as a foreigner, but from within, living as a member of a local family and community. This experience abroad has greatened say 'strengthened' my desire to have a better understanding of human behavior comma not only in other cultures, no comma but also my own. I believe that this understanding can be gained by having an open mind and a passion for learning and discovery.

Working and living in Georgia has exceeded my expectations. I feel that I have grown so much in what seems like so little time. Being immersed in a foreign country with such an unfamiliar culture has taught me to think and work independently, and has given me some serious perspective that I cannot wait to utilize in the classroom. I have found some of what inspires and motivates me as a person, and I am so grateful to have been given this incredible opportunity

Good luck! Clive

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