Check the sentences please! (weird text)

Hello everyone, please check this text for grammatical errors:

I am constantly waste my keys. And once upon a time the loss was lead to weird event. I was coming out of the car, when the keys were fall down to the sewer system. I was sad and angry, and I was going downtown to call to my closest friend. I dare say the friend was sleeping, when I called, because he didn’t pick up the phone. The next several hours I was going in the nearest park, where it occurred. The old woman with the big crust on her face was cooking in the oven. The oven just stood on the land and was broken. She did not see me, and I came out of that place and bringing back. I thought about it the entire night, and I dare say, she was hungry crazy old woman.