Check my writing task 2 topic business

Topics: In most succesful organisations , some people believe that communication between managers and workers is important , other peole said that other factors are more important. What is your opinion?

Many people argue that communication has been considered as the most crucial factor of successful organizations, while others go for others instead. My essay below will analyze both sides of this controversial issue and eventually figure out my opinion in conclusion.
On the one hand, there are two main reasons to explain why communications are important in many ways. For one thing, it may help employees win their manager respect in workplaces. Gradually, the trust has been built which help workers have more chances to work for a long time and so on, this workforce will contribute to growing the business. Another thing is that through friendly conversations, employees will have a huge motivation which helps them work effectively and as a result, the productivity of enterprises will have been improved. For example, by encouraging workers during their working through inspiring meetings, Addidas witnesses growth in turnover and becomes one of the biggest brands in shoe fields.
On the other hand, other factors should be worthy considered besides communication. Firstly, to be successful, organizations must seek for employees who can show their knowledge and skills in jobs rather than being talkative. For example, information technologists have to illustrate their ability with various computer commands instead of representing what they see on screen. Secondly, an organization becomes successful only when each individual has a strong passion for what they are doing. If many undertake and do well in their work positions, revenue of that place has been increased quickly.
To sum up, for the reason I have mentioned above, I strongly believe that good communication between boss and workers is one key to success but I also suppose that other factors should be equally taken into account.

P/s: Please help me check this essay and if u can, estimate band for me. Thank u very much !