0
Volcano1985 Posted 17 years ago
Grammar

Check My Lines Please

We together
What days we have come through
The trouble, the sorrow
We divided the pain
Where are you now?
With which foreigner?
Why did you leave this love ?

Where are you now ?
With which foreigner?
Why did you leave this love ?

Impassive, Impassive
Stubborn
Is my wounded heart

Impassive, Impassive
Stubborn
Is my wounded heart

The things you have done
Don’t get away with you
Doesn’t leave them undone
My wounded heart
  

Top answer

Really bad this time, Volcano. The repetitions are indefensible. What's wrong with foreigners?

— Mister Micawber

  • Really bad this time, Volcano.
  • The repetitions are indefensible.
  • What's wrong with foreigners?
  • 'Leave this love' is inappropriately clinical.
  • Dump it all and start a new poem.
Free · every Monday

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

New words, one handy idiom, and a 2-minute quiz — delivered to your inbox to keep your streak alive.

8 Answers
0
.
Really bad this time, Volcano. The repetitions are indefensible. What's wrong with foreigners? 'Leave this love' is inappropriately clinical. Dump it all and start a new poem.
.
0
0
It is not a poem.I translated from a song.Foreigner means someone he doesn't know.
0
0
.
Not 'foreigner' then; 'stranger'.
.
0
0
Ok.What else do you suggest ?
0
0
.
They are just lyrics, Volcano, so they are not subject to rules of grammar or semantic meaningfulness. The only line that obviously needs work is this one: 'Don’t get away with you Doesn’t leave them undone'. I think it should read: ' You can't get away with Don’t leave them undone'.
.
0
0
How about:

The things you have done
You can't get away with them
Will get even with you
My wounded heart
(My wounded heart will get even with you)
0
0
.
Better. Those last 2 lines need tweaking-- something like:

The things you have done
You can't get away with them
It will get even,
My wounded heart
.
0
0
Thank you so much Mister Micawber
0

Related Questions