[CHECK IELTS WRITING TASK 1] : PLS HELP ME WITH WRITING !!!

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Hii ~~ This is a writing task 1 from an IELTS Cambridge book. I made a progress to improve my writing skill. Please help me! Thanks alottt !

The pie charts below show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The pie charts compare the retail turnover of trading commodities on Internet in New Zealand from 2003 to 2013.

At first glane it is clear that for three of sectors have witnessed a sharp increase in their ratios of online expenditure through time framing.

One prominent factor is travelling, took up the lion’s share in 2003, representing for over one third of the total consumption before falling to 29 percent by 2013. Meanwhile, 21 percent of entertainment, including film and music, was sold by retail dealers in 2003, which was followed by expanding to 33%, the largest part of total expentditure in 2013.

The rest of New Zealand retail purchase was divided between books and clothes. Although the proportion of clothes reached nearly a quater of total number in 2003, they cut it by 8% accounting for the smallest share of the chart. Just a modest ratio of the country budget was allocated for books, largening from 19% in 2003 to 22% in 2013. (164 words)

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Hye JungThis is a writing task 1 exercise from an IELTS Cambridge book. I have made a progress to improving my writing skills. Please help me! Thanks a lot ~~alottt~~ !

The pie charts compare the retail turnover of trading commodities (Commodities are bulk items like precious metals (gold, silver), agricultural products (wheat, corn, soybeans, and cotton) and bulk crude oil. These are traded by large companies and speculators. They have spot market prices on electronic markets.) on Internet in New Zealand from 2003 to 2013.

At first glane it is clear that for three of (missing word) sectors have witnessed a sharp increase in their ratios of online expenditure through time framing. (??)

One prominent factor is travelling, (missing word) took up the lion’s share in 2003, representing for over one third of the total consumption before falling to 29 percent by 2013. Meanwhile, 21 percent of entertainment, (incorrect usage) including film and music, was sold by retail dealers in 2003, which was followed by expanding to 33%, the largest part of total expentditure in 2013.

The rest of New Zealand retail purchase was divided between books and clothes. Although the proportion of clothes reached nearly a quater of total number in 2003, they (Who is "they?" - the clothes?) cut it by 8% accounting for the smallest share of the chart. Just a modest ratio of the country budget (The government's expenditures?) was allocated for books, largening from 19% in 2003 to 22% in 2013. (164 words)

Trunghoang · Answer

I think your overview somehow is not true about the information given. Actually 2 of them decreased and the other two increased.

Secondly, 21 percent for entertainment is not correct. You should have said "The sales in terms of Entertainment occupied 21%....."

The last point is you should not use pronouns in task 1. What is "they" in the last paragraph refered to?

Cat aqua 239 · Answer

The http://64.227.178.162/category/writing-task-1/pie-chart/ display the online-shopping market shares of 4 different retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013.

Overall, while the travel and clothing industries both experienced a decline in sales, film/music and books both showed an increase. In addition, the film/music industry overtook travel as the leader in online shopping in 2013.

The travel sector accounted for the greatest proportion of total sales on the Internet in 2003, at 36 percent; however, this number decreased significantly to 29 percent in 2013. Although the clothing sector had the second biggest market share in 2003 at 24 percent, its share fell dramatically to only 16 percent in 2013.

Just over a fifth of online sales in New Zealand were made in the film/music industry in 2003. However, this industry became the market leader in 2013, controlling a 33 percent share of the market. The book industry also saw its online sales figures grow, from 19 to 22 percent.

[CHECK IELTS WRITING TASK 1] : PLS HELP ME WITH WRITING !!!

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