Check another part of thanks letter

Question

At last, I have to mention a staff of your hotel, Ms. Nancy. She provided a big surprise to my grandmother that she sang a song of my grandmother’s favorite songs. This song reminds my grandmother of good memories. Please convey to her my deep appreciation and we hope to hold the next party in your hotel. Thanks a lot.

This is my student’s writing. I checked it . Could you help me to check it in terms of coherence and cohesion, vocabulary and sentence structure?

I would like to express my special thanks to a staff member, Ms. Smith. She wanted to surprised my grandmother and sang one of her favorite songs, The Last Dance at the party. Hearing the beautiful melody, all of us recalled the happy time we had and enjoyed the party very much. Please convey my deep appreciation on behalf of our whole family and we wish to hold another party in your hotel soon. Thanks a lot.

Mister Micawber · Accepted Answer

The writing above is the student's (in blue) and the writing below is yours (in pink)? Why have you made so many changes? Students cannot learn if you arbitrarily toss in unnecessary words like 'The Last Dance' and offer wholesale restructuring that is not required but is ony a matter of your own style and language ability. When correcting a student's work you should make the minimal changes necessary to correct the grammar and punctuation of the piece:

Finally, I have to mention one of your hotel staff, Ms Smith. She provided a big surprise for my grandmother when she sang one of my grandmother’s favorite songs, which reminded her of good memories. Please convey to her my deep appreciation. We hope to hold our next party at your hotel. Thank you very much.

Ziawj2 · Answer

Thanks for your suggestion.

Yes, the writing in blue is my student's and the one in red is mine.

I have corrected the obvious grammar mistakes in her exercise book before I wrote this post. The reason why I made so many changes is that I think nearly almost my students perfer using simple words and sentence structure to write in order to avoid grammar mistakes. Actually, as a college student, their thought is so complicated that general words can not express them clearly and completely. I believe writing is thinking on paper. They need to use general or specific words, simple, compound or complex sentences alternately to write. And also they need to be conscious of the consistency of language style. Therefore, after I assign them a task of writing every time, I always write it on my own and post it on the Internet to revise and then present the revised version to demonstrate how to complete the task of writing. Do you think so? Looking forward your opinion.

Mister Micawber · Answer

The reason why I made so many changes is that I think nearly almost my students perfer using simple words and sentence structure to write in order to avoid grammar mistakes.-- And that is what they should continue to do until they gain confidence. You should be satisfied when they successfully accomplish the basics.

I believe writing is thinking on paper. They need to use general or specific words, simple, compound or complex sentences alternately to write. And also they need to be conscious of the consistency of language style.-- I agree with this, but this is not what you have done with your revisions. You have simply thrown in complex phrases of your own composition.

Therefore, after I assign them a task of writing every time, I always write it on my own and post it on the Internet to revise and then present the revised version to demonstrate how to complete the task of writing. Do you think so? Looking forward your opinion.-- Sorry, but as you have no doubt figured out, I do not agree with your method, ziawj2. I believe that your intention is good, but you do not yet have a command of the language yourself that allows you to perceive the gradation of steps that must be taken before a student can advance — with understanding — to a more fluent level of written English. I don't think that your method is productive; you must help them to advance in smaller increments.

Ziawj2 · Answer

ziawj2. I believe that your intention is good, but you do not yet have a command of the language yourself that allows you to perceiveThe reason why I made so many changes is that I think nearly almost my students perfer using simple words and sentence structure to write in order to avoid grammar mistakes.-- And that is what they should continue to do until they gain confidence. You should be satisfied when they successfully accomplish the basics. Yes, I agree with this. What you said leaves me to reflect on the effectiveness of the teaching methods I used.

I believe writing is thinking on paper. They need to use general or specific words, simple, compound or complex sentences alternately to write. And also they need to be conscious of the consistency of language style.-- I agree with this, but this is not what you have done with your revisions. You have simply thrown in complex phrases of your own composition. Thank you. I will not make so many changes, and will retain the general idea of my student’s sentence.

Therefore, after I assign them a task of writing every time, I always write it on my own and post it on the Internet to revise and then present the revised version to demonstrate how to complete the task of writing. Do you think so? Looking forward your opinion.-- Sorry, but as you have no doubt figured out, I do not agree with your method, ziawj2. I believe that your intention is good, but you do not yet have a command of the language yourself that allows you to perceive the gradation of steps that must be taken before a student can advance — with understanding — to a more fluent level of written English. I don't think that your method is productive; you must help them to advance in smaller increments.

Thank you. You are quite right about “the gradation of steps”. When analyzing the language style of letters, I think that it is hard for me to explain it clearly, and that maybe I need to study Stylistics to "perceive the gradation of steps."[/quote]

Mister Micawber · Answer

Hello, ziawj2.

All I mean by 'the gradation of steps' — and I don't think any system has been devised to specify such steps — is that the revisions you made are too different, both stylistically and syntactically, from the student's effort. You are trying to advance them too quickly, that is all. Try to adhere to the student's thought process more closely. Then, if you wish to offer alternative approaches or suggestions, you could do so as footnotes, so to speak.

Ziawj2 · Answer

Mister MicawberHello, ziawj2.All I mean by 'the gradation of steps' — and I don't think any system has been devised to specify such steps — is that the revisions you made are too different, both stylistically and syntactically, from the student's effort. You are trying to advance them too quickly, that is all. Try to adhere to the student's thought process more closely. Thank you for your practical advice:-), I'll show respect to their effort and try to advance them step by step. Meanwhile, I need to improve my own English language level. Then, if you wish to offer alternative approaches or suggestions, you could do so as footnotes, so to speak.

I look forward to your response to my post:-)

Mister Micawber · Answer

Yes, that sounds like a good approach.

Ziawj2 · Answer

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