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Anonymous Posted 14 years ago
Essay & Composition Writing

Can you please help me by reviewing my coursework and telling me what needs improving, if it needs improving? Be as honest as you can please, I'll really appreciate it. (:

December 8th, 2010- 30th Anniversary of John Lennon’s Death.
‘You may say I’m a dreamer. But I’m not the only one.’ A line from John’s most famous song and a personal favourite. Imagine peace.
My husband had a dream that peace would no longer be non-existent in this world, that there would be peace all around us and no-one will ever have to live in fear again. The humourless irony of his dream is that he died in the least peaceful way possible; he was shot by a man who brought sorrow and misery to our beloved family and friends. The world can be cruel, John knew this. He was all about making the world a better place; he sang Gimme Some Truth, so when I see all the activism out there today, I feel like we will turn the corner soon. His voice could help us change the world for the better that is now in confusion and sadness. Just listening to his magical voice of truth will give each one of us the encouragement and inspiration we need now.
John was very well-loved. You could tell that at his funeral; as All You Need Is Love played, thousands of fans from all over the world played tribute to him by singing along and lighting a candle for John. That is a fond memory; it reminded me that we are all together and how much my husband was loved. How could you not love John? He was such a kind soul. A lot of John’s fans, close friends and family, including myself, would agree that John was a very kind-hearted man. I’ve always thought that about him, he had the warmest heart I’ve ever come across; he had a lot of love to give and I shall be eternally grateful that he chose me to be one of the main people he chose to give it to.
I remember once, a while back, when I came home to find him sitting on our bed after having read ‘My First Sex’; a book about how men treat women, and have treated women and he found it incredibly upsetting; he was surprised that men could make women feel so powerless. He said; ‘I did not know that we could make you feel like that, I’m sorry.’ He never treated me bad, I was always the apple of his eye and he mine. Marrying him was the best decision of my life and if I had the choice to redo it all, I would still marry him and have our beautiful son Sean. I’d marry him a million times; he’s my soul mate, my inspiration and my steadfast rock and he always will be no matter where he is.
Some people search their whole life for their other half, I was lucky to find mine in John. When I met John I was complete. For a while after his death it felt as though my heart was empty but then I realised I still have my son Sean. He’s very much like his father and even though seeing him progress into the image of John acts as a reminder every day, I feel like he’s still here, with us, where I want him to be for the rest of my living days.
Of course, John had his flaws, just like everyone else. It was around 1973 when John and I took a break from each other and I can honestly say that those 18 months apart were the second worst time of my life, first being after his death. I loved him too much to focus on these flaws; I was blind to most of them. To me, he was the most perfect being I could’ve known. Without John I felt like a piece of me had been taken away, like I could not survive without him by my side. That is how I felt when he died, only much worse. When we were on our break, I knew where he was, that he was only a flight away…when he died I didn’t know where he was or where he had gone which initially scared me, it was the thought that he had simply vanished into thin air where it was impossible to see him again.
When I first heard the news on that dreadful night that still haunts me to this day, I was at first in denial. I remember repeating the words ‘I don’t believe you. No, not my John, it’s not true. You’re lying’. Because my John, I thought, was invincible, nothing could break him. And it was all so sudden which made it even more painful. But when a nurse brought me his wedding ring that’s the moment when I realised he had really left me. That’s the only part of that night that I remember, I guess my mind has blocked out all other memories, it’s all a blur. I wouldn’t want to remember clearly what happened anyway. I’m glad that the last John I remember was a high-spirited guy who was optimistic about his future with me and Sean, he was a beautiful person and I can’t quite express how much I miss him. 30 years on and I still miss him so much it hurts, I still love him just as much as I did when I first met him, if not more.
We loved each other and worshipped each other. We were devoted.
John, I hope that you hear this because I just want to tell you that I love you. And one day, we can be together again. I will come up to heaven and find you still looking as handsome as ever and still with the kindest heart I love so much. Some way or another, when it is my time, I will find you my love. I will once again feel your warm embrace, see that dazzling smile up close and hear your voice as you tell me you love me. Our souls will unite so we can be forever together. For now, please watch over your son and take care of him when I cannot.
John; a friend, a colleague, a husband, a son, a father…there is always a place for you in my heart. I love you.
  

Top answer

' You may say I’m a dreamer. ’ A line from John’s most famous song and a personal favourite. Imagine peace.

  • ' You may say I’m a dreamer.
  • ’ A line from John’s most famous song and a personal favourite.
  • Imagine peace.
  • g.
  • come to this world, that there would be peace all around us very similar to the first wish , (comma) and that no-one will would (to match the other two highlighted words) ever have to live in fear again.
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4 Answers
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'You may say I’m a dreamer. But I’m not the only one.’ A line from John’s most famous song and a personal favourite. Imagine peace.
My husband had a dream that peace would no longer be non-existent in suggest simplifying and avoiding the double negative, e.g. come to this world, that there
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John was very well-loved. You could tell that at his funeral; as All You Need Is Love played, thousands of fans from all over the world played paid tribute to him by singing along and lighting a candle for John candles. Plural matches plural. Also, ending the sentence with JOHN is unexpected; you would normally end with HIM, since John is already the default
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Thank you so much for your help on this, it's kindly appreciated. (: I will take everything you've said on board and hopefully improve my grade!
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When we were on our break, I knew where he was, ; (semicolon) that he was only a flight away… (space after ellipsis and suggest new sentence after ellipsis too, i.e. initial capital on WHEN) when he died , (comma) I didn’t know where he was or where he had gone . (new sentence) which What initially scared me, it was

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