Can you please give me some feedback on my Writing Task 1? Thank you!

Question

The pie charts below show electricity generation by source in New Zealand and Germany in 1980 and 2010.The pie four pie charts, dated 1980 and 2010, compare the amount of electricity produced by fossil fuels (coal, petroleum, and natural gas) and alternative sources (nuclear and hydro) in New Zealand and Germany.Overall, quantities of electricity generation increased substantially over the 30-year period. While most electric power in New Zealand originated from coal, the most potential source in Germany was nuclear, despite a moderate amount in 1980.With respect to New Zealand, a total of 127 units of electricity was generated in the initial year, and it showed a jump to 200 units in 2010. That is owing to a nearly threefold rise of coal source, from 56 units to 150 units. This trend was also joined by hydro, but to a much lower extent, which accounted for roughly 25% in each year. By contrast, decreases occurred in the other two non-renewable fuel sources, from a total of 41 units (natural gas triple petroleum) to merely 4 units.In 1980, the three conventional sources almost evenly contributed to the total quantity of electricity generation (around a quarter each), but the data for coal and petroleum did not change much in the following 30 years. Although Germany produced slightly less electrical energy in 1980, it surpassed New Zealand by 14 units in 2010 due to a surge of 135 units in nuclear sources. Hydro was still least preferred by this nation, comprising minimal proportions in both years, with a declining trend.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The pie four pie charts, dated 1980 and 2010, (The reader is confused. You indicated by their labels, TWO pie charts - 1980 and 2010. Yet you wrote "four". It makes no sense and just confuses the reader. You must thing very very logically when you write task 1.) compare the amount of electricity produced by three types of fossil fuels (coal, petroleum, and natural gas) and two alternative sources (nuclear and hydro) in New Zealand and Germany. (If you do not write "three types", the reader assumes that there is ONE segment for fossil fuels, and a SECOND segment for the alternatives. This description would be for a pie chart with two segments, not a pie chart with five segments.)

Overall, the quantities of electricity generated ~~generation~~ increased substantially ~~over the 30-year period~~. ("Period" is used in the context of continuous data values as on line graphs.) While most electric power in New Zealand originated from coal, the most potential (wrong word) source in Germany was nuclear, despite a moderate amount in 1980. (That makes no sense)

With respect to New Zealand, a total of 127 units of electricity was generated in 1980 ~~the initial year~~, and it ~~showed a jump~~ rose / went up / increased to 200 units in 2010. That rise / increase is due ~~owing~~ to a nearly threefold rise of in units coming from a coal source, from 56 units to 150 units. (You are not being logical. The difference between 200 and 127 is 73, yet you say that coal increased by nearly 100 units. Mathematically it does not add up.) This trend (wrong word) was also joined by hydro, but to a much lower extent, (It makes no sense. How can hydro increase, when coal had an increase greater than the difference in the total. Think very very logically and mathematically when you write task 1. Otherwise, the reader is very confused.) which accounted for roughly 25% in each year. By contrast, decreases occurred in the other two non-renewable fuel sources, from a total of 41 units (natural gas triple petroleum) to ~~merely~~ 4 units.

rephrase of your paragraph:

In New Zealand, a total of 127 units of electricity was generated in 1980, and went up to 200 units in 2010. However, the relative proportions from the four sources changed substantially. There was a nearly threefold rise for coal, from 56 units to 150 units as natural gas and petroleum both decreased, from totals of 41 to 4 units. About a fourth of the electricity was produced from hydro, 30 units in 1980 and 46 in 2010.

In 1980, the three conventional sources (Are you still writing about New Zeeland?) almost evenly contributed (wrong expression) to the total quantity of electricity generation (around a quarter each), but the data for coal and petroleum did not change much in the following 30 years. (It is not a line graph!) Although Germany produced slightly less ~~electrical energy~~ electricity in 1980, it surpassed New Zealand by 14 units in 2010 due to a surge of (wrong word) 135 units in nuclear sources. Hydro was still least used ~~preferred~~ by this nation, comprising minimal proportions in both years, with a declining trend. (wrong word. Trends are for line graphs, not two data points.)

AlpheccaStars · Answer

The four pie charts compare the amounts of electricity generated from five different fuel sources in two countries, New Zealand and Germany, for two years,1980 and 2010. These sources are coal, petroleum, natural gas, nuclear, and hydro.

Overall, electricity production in both countries increased substantially. Germany became heavily reliant on nuclear energy. New Zealand did not use that source, but relied on coal.

In detail, Germany doubled its total production from 107 to 214 units, compared to a 60% increase in New Zealand from 127 to 200 units. Both countries also concentrated their electricity generation into one source with three-quarters of the total. In New Zealand in 1980, three sources (coal, natural gas and hydro power) accounted for more than 90%, but by 2010, it was producing 98% of its electricity from only two: coal (150 units) and hydro power (46 units). In 1980, electricity production in Germany was fairly evenly divided among four fuels, coal, petroleum, natural gas and nuclear having between 18 and 26 percent each. By 2010, three-quarters was from nuclear power and only coal and petroleum remained as secondary sources, with an eighth each.

Can you please give me some feedback on my Writing Task 1? Thank you!

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