Can you help with this essay? What should teenagers do to help community? (250 words at least)

Question

Our world is being modernized and industrialized. Consequently, problems are considerably increasing. This required enormous help from everyone. Thus, teenagers should contribute an effective role in reducing communal issues. In this essay, I'm going to suggest some recommendations which should be accomplished by teenagers.

To begin with, it'd be better for students to be hard-working at studying. Profound knowledge may be a great help in campaigning against many intricate problems.

Secondly, why don't teenagers start participating in voluntary activities such as planting trees and helping elderly and old people? By devoting your best to share your love and share with everybody, you'll able to develop your social skills and become more independent. Whatsmore, not only do these skills help them oppose violence and other massive maladies but also assist them to have a more comfortable and easier life.

In conclusion, teenagers play an important role in helping this community.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Please post essays in the essay forum so a moderator does not have to move your post.
https://www.englishforums.com/English/EssayReportCompositionWriting/Forum9.htm

Please do not put the essay instructions in the "Subject" line.
Put it with your answer in the message body. Include all the instructions so we can determine if you answered the question.

Subject: Please review my IELTS essay

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Topic: What should teenagers do to help community? (

My essay:

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AlpheccaStars · Answer

You wrote less than 200 words. You will get a lower score for that.

Our world is being modernized and industrialized. Consequently, problems are considerably increasing. (This does not really apply to the question. Be more focused on the topic.) This required enormous help from everyone. Thus, teenagers should contribute (wrong word) an effective role in reducing communal (wrong word) issues. ~~In this essay, I'm going to suggest some recommendations which should be accomplished by teenagers.~~

Never mention your essay, your writing or what you are going to tell the reader in a formal academic essay. Write a thesis statement.

To begin with, it'd (Do not use contractions in a formal essay.) be better for students to be hard-working at studying. Profound knowledge may be a great help in campaigning against many intricate problems. (This is too general. Can you be more specific? Politicians campaign when they want votes. Teenagers don't do this, in general.)

~~Secondly~~, Second, why don't teenagers start participating in voluntary activities such as planting trees and helping elderly ~~and old~~ people? By devoting your best to share your love and share with everybody, you'll able to develop your social skills and become more independent. Whatsmore, not only do these skills help them oppose violence and other massive maladies (Not a good expression) but also assist them to have a more comfortable and easier life.

Can you help with this essay? What should teenagers do to help community? (250 words at least)

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