Can you help me improve my essay and give me the possible band score ?

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It is more important to spend public money on promoting a healthy lifestyle https://www.ieltsvietop.vn/tu-hoc-ielts/tai-lieu/cau-truc-in-order-to-so-as/ prevent illness than to spend it on treatment of people who are already ill. To what extent do you https://www.ieltsvietop.vn/tu-hoc-ielts/writing/cach-lam-ielts-writing-task-2-agree-disagree/?

As the century continues, a greater emphasis has been placed on the health and well-being of civilians. Scientists and doctors are spending a lot of money on treatments that can cure serious diseases. However, many people advocate that the government should direct fundings towards preventative measures such as encouraging people to build a healthy lifestyle and I am of the same opinion.

On the one hand, it is folly to deny that treatments and medicines are very important in protecting citizens from diseases. There are many highly contagious and genetic diseases that require special medical care, so promoting a healthy lifestyle is unable to avoid these illnesses. Covid 19, for example, can only be cured with vaccines and special treatments. Moreover, Old people with weak resistance are extremely vulnerable to illnesses hence, they need supplements to maintain a good health state.
On the other hand, maintaining a balanced diet as well as doing exercises on a regular basis is a more cost-effective and feasible solution to avoid illnesses. Indeed, many people are incapable of affording high-cost treatments, therefore, they can only develop good habits in order to stay healthy. Another point that should be taken into consideration is that building up a strong resistance is more effective than temporary pills in the long run as it enables people to avoid various diseases rather than just a specific one. For instance, consuming healthy foods with equal amounts of vitamins and fat can protect people from diabetes, diarrhoea and obesity at the same time.

In the light of these facts, I strongly believe that demands for spendings on helping citizens develop healthy habits have outweighed that on medicines and prescriptions. Nevertheless, building up a healthy community still requires both of these above-cited factors.

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AlpheccaStars · Answer

Quang Son Nguy?n To what extent do you agree or disagree?

That is the essay prompt. The essay prompt gives you a question to answer. Here is the statement:

It is more important to spend public money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on treatment of people who are already ill.

You did not answer the essay prompt clearly. What is MORE important A, or B?

It is not asking if any money should be spent on promoting healthy lifestyles, but is it more important than spending money on hospitals and treatments for sick people.

e.g. Here are three answers that would make good thesis statements:

1. I completely agree that the government should focus its healthcare budget primarily on preventing diseases. It will save a lot of public money in the long run.

2. I somewhat agree. Governments should allocate some of its healthcare budget on vaccinations, annual wellness exams and promoting healthy lifestyles, but that is not more important than curing people who get ill.

3. I fully disagree. People should be responsible for their own health condition, and governments should provide the best possible healthcare system that will treat citizens when they get sick.

It is good to know a good handful of adverbs of extent because this is a very common prompt in IELTS Task 2 essays.

Complete agreement / disagreement:
------------

completely
fully
totally
wholeheartedly
unreservedly
with no reservations
without reservation
unequivocally
unquestionably
with no hesitation
unconditionally

Partial agreement / disagreement:
----------------

somewhat
partially
partly
to some extent / to a limited extent / to a point
with (some / certain / a few) reservations
conditionally

Slight agreement / disagreement:
----------------

a little (bit)
--------------------

AlpheccaStars · Answer

~~As the century continues,~~ (That does not make much sense. ) A greater emphasis is now being placed ~~has been placed~~ on the health and well-being of civilians. Scientists and doctors are spending a lot of money on treatments that can cure serious diseases. However, many people advocate that the government should direct funds ~~fundings~~ towards preventative measures such as encouraging people to adopt ~~build~~ a healthy lifestyle. See previous post. Put your thesis statement here. ~~and I am of the same opinion~~. (That is not a good compound sentence.- it does not coordinate very well.)

On the one hand, it is folly to deny that treatments and medicines are very important in protecting us ~~citizens~~ from diseases. There are many highly contagious and genetic diseases that require special medical care, and cannot be prevented by diet or exercise alone. ~~so promoting a healthy lifestyle is unable to avoid these illnesses.~~ Severe cases of Covid 19, for example, can only be cured with ~~vaccines and~~ special treatments. Moreover, Old (wrong capitalization) people with weak resistance are extremely vulnerable to illnesses (run-on sentence. ungrammatical) hence, they need to take medications ~~supplements~~ (wrong word) to maintain a good health ~~state~~.
On the other hand, ~~maintaining~~ eating a balanced diet as well as doing exercises on a regular basis is a more cost-effective and feasible solution to avoid illnesses. Indeed, many people are incapable of affording high-cost treatments, (comma splice error, run-on sentence. ungrammatical) therefore, they purposefully ~~can only~~ develop good habits such as washing their hands frequently, cooking their food thoroughly, avoiding dangerous activities and wearing a mask in crowded places in order to stay healthy. Another point that should be taken into consideration is that building up a strong resistance is more effective than ~~temporary~~ pills in the long run as it enables people to avoid a range of contagious ~~various~~ diseases rather than just a specific one. For instance, consuming healthy foods which have the recommended balance of carbohydrates, fats, and protein ~~with equal amounts of vitamins and fat~~ (Oh dear me! High quantities of vitamins can be poisonous. Only very small amounts of vitamins and minerals are needed.) can protect people from contracting diabetes, ~~diarrhoea~~ and ~~obesity~~ becoming obese. ~~at the same time.~~

In the light of these facts, ~~I strongly believe that demands for spendings on helping citizens develop healthy habits~~ (I do not understand your point.) I strongly believe that spending more taxpayer money on helping people to lead healthy life styles is better than additional investments in hospitals, prescriptions and treatments of diseases. ~~that on medicines and prescriptions.~~ Nevertheless, building up a healthy community still requires funding both of these. ~~above-cited factors~~.

Can you help me improve my essay and give me the possible band score ?

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