Can you help me edit my motivation letter?

Question

In the upcoming months I would like to apply to a few universities in The Netherlands together with my girlfriend and would really appreciate your input on the letters we created so far. Thanks in advance and I´ll send some Karma your way!

Lorian Micu · Accepted Answer

my girlfriends´ letter:

Dear Sir or Madam,
I am interested to apply for a Master’s Degree Program in {the program} at {the university} starting in September 2014. I strongly believe that my educational background, working experience, personal skills and my motivation make me a very good candidate for this program.

I graduated in January 2012, from Corvinus University of Budapest, Hungary and hold a Bachelor’s Degree in Business Administration. I am confident that the years studying at a highly recognized academic institution gave me a solid knowledge about the basic business processes on which I can build in the course of my future studies. By the end of the second semester 2014, I am going to receive a Master’s Degree in Marketing from Budapest Business School, Hungary. My decision of changing schools was a carefully considered as I thought my theoretical knowledge would benefit greatly from more practical insights into the business world. Proving my point in the last two years I had several practical cases to solve in the frame of the education. One of the most interesting was based on Budapest’s current strengths and possibilities, we had to create the city image and communication campaign while supervised by Professor Mónika Fodor. During the years of studying business I became certain that I want to develop my knowledge in a business field which combines both creativity, communication and public relations.
Studying in Lille, France as an erasmus student at Université Catholique de Lille gave me the chance to experience living in a different culture, meet interesting people with different cultural background and also improve my language and communication skills.
After finishing my studies abroad I continued to work at the pharmaceutical company – MSD Pharma Hungary Kft. - where I worked before as a marketer. Working here I had the chance to get a thorough insight into the operations of an international company, and to develop my professional skills in a strongly multicultural environment. During my employment here I had the chance to participate in the planning of media campaigns and in the execution. Being involved in important projects as creating and maintaining a team site for the East-European Region taught me the importance of initiative and responsibility, and determination for successful completion of a project.

In the future I see myself as an expert in public relations at a company such as Johnson & Johnson, which was able preserve its values through more than 70 years, by insisting on the same corporate principle in every challenging situation and could still stay successful and recognized; or having my own international marketing agency aimed at companies who would like to start operations abroad. I would like to learn everything what can give me the ability of creating a competitive, growing and responsible company and also help me become a recognized expert in the field later on. Having the chance to participate in the high-level education that you offer would expand my knowledge and give me a great advantage in the labour market. I can only imagine myself working and living in a dynamic and inspiring environment with people from different cultures, with different perspectives and ideas to which I would bring my contribuion. That is why my choice fell on Amsterdam, and your prestigious and international university.

The reason why I wish to participate in your program is that apart from my current studies which focused around international marketing and strategy courses I was always highly interested in corporate branding and public relations which I did not have the chance to thoroughly study so far. I am convinced that my personal skills, my creativity, communication and analytical skills and continuous desire for progress will be of great support to my corporate communication studies. I am sure that the program you are offering will contribute to my professional development in the future and that it will be a great environment where I can bring my ideas and use them for good results of the groups I will be a member of.
My firm belief is that by studying at your highly recognized university, in the international, creative and open-minded environment that it provides I will be able to develop my existing skills, and develop new ones which will help me achieve my future plans.
Thank you for considering my application. I look forward to your response.

Yours faithfully,

Lorian Micu · Answer

my motivation letter:

Dear Sirs, Madam (find out programme coordinator)

I am interested to apply for a Master’s Degree Program in {entrepreneurship} at university {name} starting in September 2014. I graduated in june 2014, from the University of Groningen, The Netherlands and hold a Bachelors degree in International Business.
After graduating from Romanian ¨Zinca Golescu¨ high school I decided to pursue an International Business Bachelor in The Netherlands. After studying for a semester at Hanzehogeschool Groningen, I wanted to take a more academic approach of studying by transferring to University of Groningen which was and still is well renowned for its high standards of learning. Here is where I developed my knowledge in the last four years.

In this process I could not achieve the grades I wanted to, in the first year, but soon I was able to gain the skills necessary for sound studying. I do not feel that the marks I scored are the sole indicators of my understanding of the subject.
For the past 6 months I have been working as a Junior Marketeer for the Marketing department of YouWe, a full internet service agency with an empowering culture which puts responsibility, initiative and engagement in each employee´s hands. My work here has helped me develop a thorough insight into diverse aspects of running a business, from researching new business models, developing internal communication systems to implementing them in an efficient way to serve the final purpose, of helping the customer reach own goals. I creatively brought my contribution using my knowledge to the mentioned developments by planning, allocating resources, implementing and measuring.

(to be adapted to each study)
Besides the subjects taken at University of Groningen, I was also highly interested in consumer behavior, marketing and business strategy, reason for which the subjects I took during my semester abroad are almost entirely concentrated around these fields. The aim was to develop understanding of the consumer´s needs, motivation and behavior in order to respond accordingly through strategically-developed business offerings. During my semester abroad at IESEG Lille, France, through a course of entrepreneurship, I underwent the experience of having to assess and identify a market need and to develop a product that would fulfill it. Under the supervision of Prof Frank Le Pira along with my colleagues I have developed a business plan which assessed the marketability of the product. From our professor´s feedback it resulted that with the appropriate resources, we would have had a solid business plan for a marketable idea, moment at which I understood how vital thoroughly studying this field is for an idea to become successfully profitable.

As I embark upon a new stage of my life, I want to make the most of the experience a postgraduate study can offer in order to become a successful, innovative professional.
Five years from now, I imagine myself as a successful entrepreneur making use of his knowledge of running multinational businesses and identifying, seizing and creating business opportunities in the fast moving environment of technology and international startups.

(to be adapted to each university)
My decision to pursue graduate studies at {school} is determined by my desire to be a part of a graduate program which not only pursues professional development and increasing knowledge, but which could help me develop personally so that I educate myself in the future . The focus {your school} puts on creating the right circumstances for development such as {an entrepreneurship center} has convinced me in taking this decision as it is the ideal choice for meeting other students with innovative ideas and work towards an exciting business career. At the same time, I am confident in my future contribution to the ongoing work at your department, being driven for my passion for business and working under the guidance of distinguished your faculty, I shall certainly be able to exploit my potential to the fullest.

Yours sincerely,

Can you help me edit my motivation letter?

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