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Usenet Posted 21 years ago
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Can you have a look at this and improve the style?

She decided to go on a diet and lost her extra weight. She also decided to shave! She actually became an amazingly beautiful woman. Her personality changed and turned into a very good and compassionate human being. Thanks.
  

Top answer

REZA MODIRROUSTA wrote on 26 Apr 2005: [nq:1]She decided to go on a diet and lost her extra weight. She also decided to shave! She actually became an amazingly beautiful woman.

  • REZA MODIRROUSTA wrote on 26 Apr 2005: [nq:1]She decided to go on a diet and lost her extra weight.
  • She also decided to shave!
  • She actually became an amazingly beautiful woman.
  • Her personality changed and turned into a very good and compassionate human being.
  • [/nq] First thing would be to get rid of the useless "Thanks" at the end.
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9 Answers
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REZA MODIRROUSTA wrote on 26 Apr 2005:
[nq:1]She decided to go on a diet and lost her extra weight. She also decided to shave! She actually became an amazingly beautiful woman. Her personality changed and turned into a very good and compassionate human being. Thanks.[/nq]
First thing would be to get rid of the useless "Thanks" at the end.

The next is to understand that personaliti
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It is the end of a children's book story!
Thanks for your suggestions.
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REZA MODIRROUSTA wrote on 26 Apr 2005:
[nq:2]REZA MODIRROUSTA wrote on 26 Apr 2005: First thing would ... You don't seem to have any talent for the latter.[/nq]
[nq:1]It is the end of a children's book story![/nq]
It has to have been written or translated by a non-native speaker or English, or one of those million monkeys still chained to a typewriter and attemptiing to pound out the G
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THANK-YOU CYBERCYPHER. You make me laugh. You write good stuff. At least, you are different!
The end of this story was written by my two children.Being the mother, I actually think they have written it very well.
Maria Galian.
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REZA MODIRROUSTA wrote on 26 Apr 2005:
[nq:1]THANK-YOU CYBERCYPHER. You make me laugh. You write good stuff. At least, you are different![/nq]
I do my best to be just who I am.
[nq:1]The end of this story was written by my two children.[/nq]
Ah, that makes a major difference.
[nq:1]Being the mother, I actually think they have written it very well.[/nq]
Dpends on how old the
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My son is 8 years-old and my daughter six. Yes, their first language is Spanish like mine. Their second language is Farsi and their third and final language is English.
I asked you to have a look at it and correct the style. However, you have never done this. The only thing you have done is to criticise it and make comments.
I suppose it is your personality. Someone asks you for correction
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REZA MODIRROUSTA wrote on 26 Apr 2005:
[nq:1]My son is 8 years-old and my daughter six. Yes, their first language is Spanish like mine. Their second language ... criticise it and make comments. I suppose it is your personality. Someone asks you for corrections but you make comments.[/nq]
I'm a medical editor, not a creative writer. You asked for corrections and I gave you what I thought we
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[nq:1]REZA MODIRROUSTA wrote on 26 Apr 2005:[/nq]
- But not over the idea that there is an explanation for everything. Even if people deny it and try to hide the explanations, eh, Franke?
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Justice International wrote on 03 May 2005:
[nq:2]REZA MODIRROUSTA wrote on 26 Apr 2005: I'm a medical ... there's a rule for everything." Professor John Lawler, U. Michigan[/nq]
[nq:1]- But not over the idea that there is an explanation for everything. Even if people deny it and try to hide the explanations, eh, Franke?[/nq]
Welcome back, Kevin! Long time no hear no see.
There are

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