Can you have a look at this and improve the style?

Question

She decided to go on a diet and lost her extra weight. She also decided to shave! She actually became an amazingly beautiful woman. Her personality changed and turned into a very good and compassionate human being. Thanks.

Usenet · Accepted Answer

REZA MODIRROUSTA wrote on 26 Apr 2005:
[nq:1]She decided to go on a diet and lost her extra weight. She also decided to shave! She actually became an amazingly beautiful woman. Her personality changed and turned into a very good and compassionate human being. Thanks.[/nq]
First thing would be to get rid of the useless "Thanks" at the end.

The next is to understand that personalities do not transmogrify from reified concepts into human beings, exscept for people on LSD.

Third is to remove the the exclamation point, unless you want to demonstrate that you are, in fact, a 13-year-old girl drunk on a cocktail of new-to-your-system hormones.
Fourth, get rid of "amazingly beautiful". It's an ugly expression and demonstrates a lack of understanding of good descriptive style.

Fifth: "decided to go on a diet to lose weight", not "and lost her extra weight". This combination of tenses is confusing, as is the useless word "extra". In fact, the first two sentences can be shortened and combined. But you still have to tell your reader what she shaved: her underarms, her legs, her pubic hair, her moustache, her beard, her eyebrows.
Sixth, provide some plausible reason for asking the reader to believe that there was somme causal connection between her losing weight and shaving, on the one hand, and her becoming an "very good and compassionate human being".
Seventh, explain why she stopped being a woman unless, of course, she was just a little girl or a big mountain gorilla to begin with.

Eighth, lose the "very". It doesn't do any work except in sentences like "And when she was good, she was very, very good, but when she was bad, she was awful."
Ninth, consider writing in one of the assembly languages instead of English. You don't seem to have any talent for the latter.

Franke: EFL teacher & medical editor
For email, replace numbers with English alphabet.
"You've got to get over this idea that there's a rule for everything." Professor John Lawler, U. Michigan

Usenet · Answer

It is the end of a children's book story!
Thanks for your suggestions.

Usenet · Answer

REZA MODIRROUSTA wrote on 26 Apr 2005:
[nq:2]REZA MODIRROUSTA wrote on 26 Apr 2005: First thing would ... You don't seem to have any talent for the latter.[/nq]
[nq:1]It is the end of a children's book story![/nq]
It has to have been written or translated by a non-native speaker or English, or one of those million monkeys still chained to a typewriter and attemptiing to pound out the Gettysburg Address.
[nq:1]Thanks for your suggestions.[/nq]
Any time. You are in desperate need of as many suggestions as you can elicit. Take them all.

Franke: EFL teacher & medical editor
For email, replace numbers with English alphabet.
"You've got to get over this idea that there's a rule for everything." Professor John Lawler, U. Michigan

Usenet · Answer

THANK-YOU CYBERCYPHER. You make me laugh. You write good stuff. At least, you are different!
The end of this story was written by my two children.Being the mother, I actually think they have written it very well.
Maria Galian.

Usenet · Answer

REZA MODIRROUSTA wrote on 26 Apr 2005:
[nq:1]THANK-YOU CYBERCYPHER. You make me laugh. You write good stuff. At least, you are different![/nq]
I do my best to be just who I am.
[nq:1]The end of this story was written by my two children.[/nq]
Ah, that makes a major difference.
[nq:1]Being the mother, I actually think they have written it very well.[/nq]
Dpends on how old they are, of course. My first son is 36 and my second is 8. Had the first written, I would not have considered it well written. Had the 8-year-old written, I would have had the same opinion as you had. Quite good for someone that young whose first language is Taiwanese, second language is Mandarin, and third language is English.

Franke: EFL teacher & medical editor
For email, replace numbers with English alphabet.
"You've got to get over this idea that there's a rule for everything." Professor John Lawler, U. Michigan

Usenet · Answer

My son is 8 years-old and my daughter six. Yes, their first language is Spanish like mine. Their second language is Farsi and their third and final language is English.
I asked you to have a look at it and correct the style. However, you have never done this. The only thing you have done is to criticise it and make comments.
I suppose it is your personality. Someone asks you for corrections but you make comments. Not because you are a constructive criticist but because you are a kind of "demiurge" who believes that his strong views, are superior to others'.
At the end, are you going to correct the style? Yes or not? Maria Galian

Usenet · Answer

REZA MODIRROUSTA wrote on 26 Apr 2005:
[nq:1]My son is 8 years-old and my daughter six. Yes, their first language is Spanish like mine. Their second language ... criticise it and make comments. I suppose it is your personality. Someone asks you for corrections but you make comments.[/nq]
I'm a medical editor, not a creative writer. You asked for corrections and I gave you what I thought were reasonable criticisms and suggestions for improvement. But I thought the work was yours, not your children's.
[nq:1]Not because you are a constructive criticist[/nq]
That's "critic".
[nq:1]but because you are a kind of "demiurge" who believes that his strong views, are superior to others'.[/nq]
"that his strong views are superior to those of others."
[nq:1]At the end, are you going to correct the style? Yes or not?[/nq]
I'm not a writer of fiction, but I'll give it a try.
[nq:1]She decided to go on a diet and lost her extra weight. She also decided to shave! She actually became an amazingly beautiful woman. Her personality changed and turned into a very good and compassionate human being.[/nq]
"She decided to lose all her blubber. She decided to shave her hairy cheeks and disappear(1) the pimples on her nose. Within ninety days, she had turned herself into a raving beauty. The sight of her new self in the mirror softened her soul. She knew that if she could become beautiful, then anyone could. Her heart filled with compassion and her eyes with tears. She was ready to save the world."

It's a bit heavy handed, I know, but it's more like what an 8-year- old and a 6-year-old ought to be able to write than anything more subtle or lyrical.
NOTE: (1) "to disappear" is a transitive verb that means to make something disappear. It isn't something that you'll find used very often by formal writers, but we're talking children's story here.

Franke: EFL teacher & medical editor
For email, replace numbers with English alphabet.
"You've got to get over this idea that there's a rule for everything." Professor John Lawler, U. Michigan

Usenet · Answer

[nq:1]REZA MODIRROUSTA wrote on 26 Apr 2005:[/nq]
- But not over the idea that there is an explanation for everything. Even if people deny it and try to hide the explanations, eh, Franke?

Usenet · Answer

Justice International wrote on 03 May 2005:
[nq:2]REZA MODIRROUSTA wrote on 26 Apr 2005: I'm a medical ... there's a rule for everything." Professor John Lawler, U. Michigan[/nq]
[nq:1]- But not over the idea that there is an explanation for everything. Even if people deny it and try to hide the explanations, eh, Franke?[/nq]
Welcome back, Kevin! Long time no hear no see.
There are always explanations, but few are honest reasons: they tend to be rationalizations. They're interesting because they provide insight into one's character and personality.

Franke: EFL teacher & medical editor
For email, replace numbers with English alphabet.

Can you have a look at this and improve the style?

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