Can you guys comment on my task 1 IELTS Writing please. Thank you.

Question

The given bar chart represents the purchasing and consuming trend in coffee and tea in Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane, Adelaide, and Hobart in the last 4 weeks.

Overall, the amount of residents that went to cafes was highest in all cities, with the exception of Adelaide, where instant coffee was more favored. In contrast, buying fresh coffee was the most uncommon option.

In terms of Sydney and Melbourne, the percentage of people consuming beverages in a cafe was roughly 61% in Sydney, as opposed to Melbourne which was approximately 63%. Moreover, about 48% of Melbourne's people and 45% of Sydney's people bought instant coffee throughout the period meanwhile these figures for purchasing fresh coffee in two cities were around 44% and 42% respectively.

Moving on to the remaining cities, going to cafes was the most common activity in Hobart (around 63%), followed by Brisbane and Adelaide, which were roughly 55% and 50% respectively. About 54% of the surveyed participants in Hobart bought instant coffee, only slightly higher than those in Brisbane (53%) and Adelaide (50%). Lastly, the percentage of residents who bought fresh coffee remained the smallest, with approximately 38% in Hobart and just below 35% in the other two.

Please leave a comment on how my writing can be improved and predict a band score for this if possible. Thank you!

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The ~~given~~ (Do not use "given" or "provided". It is unnatural.) bar chart represents (wrong word) the purchasing and consuming trend (wrong word) in coffee and tea (wrong phrase) in Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane, Adelaide, and Hobart in the last 4 weeks. (You did not mention that percent of the cities' residents is on this plot!)

Overall, the amount (wrong word - amount is for non-count items. e.g. Amount of water, amount of money, amount of food, amount of rice. ) of residents that went to cafes was highest in all cities, with the exception of Adelaide, where instant coffee was more favored. In contrast, buying fresh coffee was the most uncommon option. (You never mentioned the options, so the reader is confused!)

In ~~terms of~~ (wrong expression) Sydney and Melbourne, the percentage of people consuming beverages in a cafe was roughly 61% in Sydney, as opposed to Melbourne ~~which~~ where it was approximately 63%. Moreover, about 48% of ~~Melbourne's~~ people in Melbourne and 45% of Sydney's people bought instant coffee throughout the period meanwhile these figures (wrong word) for purchasing fresh coffee in two cities were around 44% and 42% respectively.

Moving on to the remaining cities, going to cafes was the most common activity in Hobart (around 63%), followed by Brisbane and Adelaide, which were roughly 55% and 50% respectively. About 54% of the residents of ~~surveyed participants~~ in Hobart bought instant coffee, only slightly higher than those in Brisbane (53%) and Adelaide (50%). Lastly, the percentage of residents who bought fresh coffee ~~remained~~ was consistently the smallest, with approximately 38% in Hobart and just below 35% in the other two.

This sample essay is too long (270 words), but it will give you ideas on to avoid repeated phrases.

A survey was conducted in five cities in Australia (Adelaide, Brisbane, Hobart, Melbourne, and Sydney) asking residents if they had purchased tea or coffee in the past four weeks. The bar chart plots the proportion of residents in each of the cities who responded positively for each of these three questions: 1) Did you buy fresh coffee? 2) Did you buy instant coffee? and 3) Did you go to a cafe to drink tea or coffee?

The highest percentages in each city were the people who had gone to a cafe. Except for Adelaide, the majority of residents in each city had done this. In second place were the instant coffee buyers, the city of Adelaide being the exception with slightly less than half.

The cities of Sydney, Hobart and Melbourne had the highest proportions on the chart; more than six of every ten people there had recently enjoyed a cup of tea or coffee in a cafe. On the other extreme, the cities of Brisbane and Adelaide had the lowest percentages; in particular, a bit over one-third (34%) were buyers of fresh coffee. Generally, people in these five cities bought instant coffee more than fresh coffee, and the gap could be fairly wide. As an example, in Brisbane, the gap was nearly 20%, 52% to 34%. In Adelaide, about half the residents both bought instant coffee (50%) and frequented a cafe, (49%). That was the smallest difference between three categories in all the cities. And in three of the cities, a half or more had purchased instant coffee; these were Hobart (54%), Brisbane (53%) and Adelaide (50%).

Can you guys comment on my task 1 IELTS Writing please. Thank you.

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