Can you grade and fix errors in my essay

Question

Task 2 Many people think that advertisements aimed at children should be banned. To what extent, do you agree or disagree?  Advertisement is becoming increasingly prevalent and affecting many people, especially children. Whether advertisements should be abandoned or not has remained a heated debate. In my opinion, I partly agree with this view. On the one hand, there are several reasons why advertisements associated with children should be proscribed. Firstly, the youth could not have idea about these advertisements whether they are useful or not and require their parent to buy them. As a result in making the parents under stress and the children who will develop a habit of pestering their parent for things. Secondly, it is detrimental for the youth to utilize or consume unhealthy goods. Junk food, for instance, is one of the most things that influence directly to children`s health, particularly obesity. Each year, the number of children suffering from obesity is rising significantly and this figure would not likely to decrease in the future. On the other hand, advertising the product for children should be preserved and developed, which will be discussed by two reasons.  Not all advertisements aiming at children are not fundamental. To illustrate, from an educational perspective, the advertisement about new educational institutions or schools could help the youth to have more suitable and convenient environments to enhance their skills and broaden their horizons. Another reason is that some advertisements containing some information about pollution, environmental problems, so forth, which could help young people to foster environmental awareness and confront such issues in the present and future. As far as I am concerned, I believe that there is the truth of the argument between two parties. Therefore, I would like to take a balanced view.

CalifJim · Accepted Answer

I have moved your essay to the Essays forum. In the future, please post your essays here.

Thanks.

CJ

Lostintime · Answer

Can you grade my essay

Task Achievement 6: presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed/unclear

Coherence and Cohesion 5: presents information with some organisation but there may be a lack of overall progression

Lexical Resource: may make noticeable errors in spelling and/or word formation that may cause some difficulty for the reader

Grammatical Range and Accuracy 5: may make frequent grammatical errors and punctuation may be faulty; errors can cause some difficulty for the reader

AlpheccaStars · Answer

First, there are no official IELTS examiners here. So we cannot assign any official mark for your essay.
Second, I prefer to highlight your errors and let you fix them. That way, you will learn from your mistakes.

Advertisement is becoming increasingly prevalent and affecting many people, especially children. Whether advertisements should be abandoned or not has remained a heated debate. (I have not heard any such debates. Do you have personal experience with this? Please do not exaggerate when you write academic essays. . Write only what is reasonable and true from your experience.) In my opinion, I partly agree with this view.

On the one hand, there are several reasons why advertisements associated with (Wrong expression - targeted at children.) children should be proscribed. ~~Firstly~~, First, the youth could not have idea about these advertisements whether they are useful or not and require their parent to buy them. (The antecedent of "them" is advertisements. Do children buy advertisements? I have never heard of this.) As a result in making the parents under stress (unnatural expression) and the children who will develop a habit of pestering their parent for things. ~~Secondly~~, Second, it is detrimental for the youth to utilize or consume unhealthy goods. (not a good word choice) Junk food, for instance, is one of the most things (wrong usage) that influence directly to (influence to is not a good collocation, and obesity is not a proper object..) children`s health, particularly obesity. Each year, the number of children suffering from obesity is rising significantly and this ~~figure~~ would (will) not likely to decrease in the future.

On the other hand, advertising the product ("the product" is one particular thing. What are you referring to?)for children should be preserved and developed, which will be discussed by two reasons. (Wrong expression. Never refer to your writing in an academic essay. Just make your points.) Not all advertisements aiming at children are not fundamental.(wrong word. I don't know a "fundamental advertisement".) To illustrate, from an educational perspective, the advertisement about new educational institutions or schools could help the youth to have more suitable and convenient environments (Wrong form. I don't understand your point. How can advertising make the environment more convenient?) ) to enhance their skills and broaden their horizons. Another reason is that some advertisements containing some information about pollution, environmental problems, so forth, (ungrammatical series. Also such informative content is not really advertising, but public service announcements. Adverts always sell something.) which could help young people to foster environmental awareness and confront such issues in the present and future.

As far as I am concerned, I believe that there is the truth of the argument between two parties. (unnatural - there are arguments for both sides of the question...) Therefore, I would like to take a balanced view.

Can you grade and fix errors in my essay

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