Can you correct my cover letter please?

Question

Hi everyone,I need to send a cover letter to a German university that i wish to apply for, I am not an English native speaker so i hope that you can correct my motivation letter if you please, Thank you in advance." I am interested to apply for Master's degree program in computer science year 2015/2016 because I am sure it would strongly enrich my future studies and help me in my prospective career. Moreover I consider this programme as a great opportunity to get in touch with German culture and educational system. Last but not least, I am very curious about different approaches to the computer science at the foreign university.This year, I am going to be graduated from École Supérieur des Sciences Économique et Commerciales de Tunis with specialty IT Management .I have chosen to apply for University of Bremen, because I really like its module system of study. I specially appreciate the wide range of offered modules and the freedom in making your study plan. Many of the modules offered are unique for me, because there is no equivalent at my home university. Very important for me is also an “Excellent” rating for teaching and the overall friendly atmosphere at both the university as well as the city since I visited last year and contacted you so I can collect the maximum of infoamtion.During my prior studies,I discovered a very interesting world of developping websites and programming applications when I was fifteen, so I started focusing on coding and tried to do my best to be specialized in computer science and I made it, at the age of sixteen i started getting benefits using my programming knowlegde in freelancing online then, I was more motivated. Meanwhile I was passing every year with best grades in computer science's subjects until now, this is my passion.The three year undergraduate program in IT Management formed the basis of my perseverance towards achieving an in-depth knowledge in the field of Computer science and business. As a part of my degree course I studied various subjects relating to diverse aspects of computing which includes programming languages.During my bachelor studies, I underwent the experience of internship as computer technician assistant and programmer and I was offered for a job.Also for the past three month during working on my final year projecr,My work has helped me develop a thorough insight into return to the academic world for further growth. It has given me the confidence to pursue a Master’s degree and also kindled a desire to do research.This career with open prospects has given me constant incentive to improve myself and to gain more knowledge.At the university, I have been studying Software Engineering, High Level Programming Languages, Compilers, Database Systems, Artificial Intelligence, Networks, Operational Systems, Computer architecture and organization, and I am self confident that it can help on the abroad studies.My decision to pursue graduate studies in the United Kingdom is underscored by my desire to be a part of the graduate program at your university, and get back to my family in Germany.The interdisciplinary nature of computer science has convinced me in taking this decision as it is the ideal choice for an exciting research\hfill\breakcareer. At the same time, I am confident of contributing originally to the ongoing work at your department. By working under the guidance of distinguished faculty, I shall certainly be able to exploit my potential to the fullest.I am confident that overall opportunity to study in Europe will broaden my horizons and give me an opportunity to gain world class education and help me become an excellent world citizen.I would therefore, feel obliged to be able to secure admission in your prestigious university to pursue my M.S. program. I am sure that I will match all the credentials and will be able to maintain high standards at your university."It will be nice of you if you help me make this cover letter perfect for admission. Thank you.

Deadrat · Accepted Answer

I don't mean to tell you your business,  but I was confused by your wishing to send a letter in English to a German university talking about your decision to pursue graduate studies in the UK.  So I went to the UofB website, which is in German, but which I can understand thanks to the google.  You have to apply online, and one of their forms asks about your proficiency in German.  I didn't bother to get a login, which is necessary to complete the application.  Have you?  If so, does the university even require a cover letter?

Mahouachi Mayssa · Answer

Hi, thank you for your relpy, sorry it was a mistake i meant "University of Bremen" instead of "Uk", So you are right i have to apply online first, in case of admission i can apply for language course, I have registered to apply and they asked about CV and notivation letter in English.

Deadrat · Answer

I don't know why universities (and employers) require these kind of letters. I can't imagine how such a letter will tell the University of Bremen anything about your command of HTML, CSS, Javascript, and PHP, not to mention the fact that going by the parts of their website that are written in English, I'm not sure they could tell a good letter from a bad one. But here are two things I do know: 1) You say you have an intermediate command of English, and 2) I know what you consider "intermediate." The first comes from your profile on this site, and the second comes from your draft above.

This is not to say that your English is terrible; it's not. But if I know these things, the Computer Science Department at the University of Bremen can know them as well. All they have to do is google you or sign on here. Because I've been using English since Beowulf was a pup, I can probably make this letter perfect enough for its purposes, but then it isn't your letter, and what happens if UofB figures that out? Just in case, I'm going to limit myself to a few corrections and suggestions. If you'd like to try another draft, pass it along.
~~~
I am interested ~~to apply~~ in applying for the Master's degree program in computer science year for the 2015/2016 academic year because I am sure it would strongly enrich my future studies and help me in my prospective career. Moreover I consider this programme as a great opportunity to get in touch with German culture and educational system. Last but not least, I am very curious about different approaches to the computer science at the foreign university.

Give that last another go. "Computer science" doesn't take the definite article, and the one on "foreign university" is wrong as well. What's an "approach" to CS?

This year, I am going to be graduated from École Supérieur des Sciences Économique et Commerciales de Tunis with specialty IT Management.

Mention your degree here.

I have chosen to apply for University of Bremen, because I really like its module system of study. I especially appreciate the wide range of offered modules and the freedom in making your study plan.

It's there modules, but it's your study plan.

Many of the modules offered are unique for me, because there is no equivalent at my home university.

"Unique" means one of a kind. Not apt here.

Very important for me is also an “Excellent” rating for teaching and the overall friendly atmosphere at both the university as well as the city since I visited last year and contacted you so I can collect the maximum of infoamtion.

Revise your word order: subject first, then verb, then complement.
How many ideas do you have in this sentence? I count at least three. Consider breaking them up.
Typo: "information."

During my prior studies,I discovered a very interesting world of developping websites and programming applications when I was fifteen, so I started focusing on coding and tried to do my best to be specialized in computer science and I made it, at the age of sixteen i started getting benefits using my programming knowlegde in freelancing online then, I was more motivated.

How many ideas here? interesting world, you at 15, specializing, you made it (whatever it is), you at 16, benefits, motivation. Build your story, one sentence at a time.

Meanwhile I was passing every year with best grades in computer science's subjects until now, this is my passion.

If the UofB would recognize your grading scale or honors system, mention them.

The three year undergraduate program in IT Management formed the basis of my perseverance towards achieving an in-depth knowledge in the field of Computer science and business. As a part of my degree course I studied various subjects relating to diverse aspects of computing which includes programming languages.

During my bachelor studies, I underwent the experience of internship as computer technician assistant and programmer and I was offered for a job. Also for the past three months ~~during~~ while working on my final year project, Mmy work has helped me develop a thorough insight into return to the academic world for further growth. It has given me the confidence to pursue a Master’s degree and also kindled a desire to do research.This career with open prospects has given me constant incentive to improve myself and to gain more knowledge.

At the university, I have been studying Software Engineering, High Level Programming Languages, Compilers, Database Systems, Artificial Intelligence, Networks, Operational Systems, Computer architecture and organization, and I am ~~self~~ confident that it can help on the abroad studies.

My decision to pursue graduate studies in the United Kingdom is underscored by my desire to be a part of the graduate program at your university, and get back to my family in Germany. The interdisciplinary nature of computer science has convinced me in taking this decision as it is the ideal choice for an exciting research career. At the same time, I am confident of contributing originally to the ongoing work at your department.

You might be confident and you might be justified in your confidence, but I wouldn't mention it to the CS faculty at UofB. Let them figure it out when you demonstrate your skills.

By working under the guidance of distinguished faculty, I shall certainly be able to exploit my potential to the fullest.

I am confident that overall opportunity to study in Europe will broaden my horizons and give me an opportunity to gain world class education and help me become an excellent world citizen.

I would therefore, feel obliged to be able to secure admission in your prestigious university to pursue my M.S. program. I am sure that I will match all the credentials and will be able to maintain high standards at your university.

"Obliged" is the wrong word here, as is "credentials."

Mahouachi Mayssa · Answer

Thank you so much for correcting and giving notes, I am going to put more effort to write a better one, but to be honest you scared me more about the admission and it's nice of you that warned me, I wish I can enroll there, Thank you again.

Deadrat · Answer

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. People seem to forget how public things are, especially when the exchanges mimic private conversation. I haven't had much to do with computer science departments in a long time, but I doubt things have changed so much that their members are now expert rhetoricians. Just look at program documentation or journal articles. I have no insight into the admissions process, but if they have any sense in Bremen, they'll be more impressed with the academic record of a trilingual fluent applicant, than they will be with the letter.

I'll be away for a while starting Friday, but if you have another draft today, I'll be happy to take a look. Others here will do as well and better.

Anonymous · Answer

Thank you so much for correcting and giving notes

Can you correct my cover letter please?

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