Can you check my writing, please?

Question

If the sea was the sky and the sky was the sea, I would fall out of the water then to clouds with your hand in mine. We could swim through the clouds.
You can't sleep at night. You float in darkness every night. It would be just a spot of black from the sky. You just lie down inside the small black one. Just take one little step out then you can see a lot of things surrounding you. Look, the world is so big and great. It has variety things. Take the world up side down. The boys jumping into the sky and the birds swimming under the sea. You can play a drum on the top of the world. The sky is the stage and stars are your audience. It's okay even if it's a dream. It tells you're sound sleeping.
You feel stuck inside four walls with only a square under your feet. They come closer to you every day and you feel scared. You've been trapped in long time but remember it is just a small hole when you look down from the sky. You're just standing in a poor hole. Break out the walls. Maybe they might be sheets of paper. Crawl into the sky and see how much you can do. You'll find your own thing unlike you think you can't do anything.
Your days are long and filled with pain cause you can't get the nights. You feel tired, exhausted and sleepy but you can't sleep. You just want to fall into the night. The world gives you hard time, but it doesn't offer you the night. They stole all your nights. They took your stabilities and breathes of relaxing. Why all weakness and anxious turn to lights but your exhausting and peace doesn't stay in the night. You can't even sleep during the day. You wish you would die for a week. Lying down just in darkness makes you think of many things. One day it might start to eat you. Probably it's already been started. It might have been nibbling from your fingertip

Thank you!

Englishmaven · Accepted Answer

I enjoyed reading your paragraph very much. You have some great imagery and interesting thoughts. You do need some corrections. It's a little difficult to guide you to make your own correction without being able to speak with you. I'll make some corrections and explain some of them to you as I do.

If the sea were the sky and the sky were the sea, I would fall out of the water ~~then~~ into the clouds with your hand in mine. We could swim through the clouds.

You can't sleep at night. You float in darkness every night. It (What do you mean when you say, "It"?) would be just a ~~spot of black from~~ black spot in the sky. You just lie down inside the small black one. Simply take one little step out of the hole; then you can see a lot of things surrounding you. Look. The world is so big and great. It has a variety of things. (This sentence ["It has a variety of things"] needs to be developed. It - what? "Things" is so vague. What is the point you are making with this sentence?) Take the world upside down --the boys jumping into the sky and the birds swimming under(What is under the sea? Earth. This is confusing.) the sea. You can play a drum on the top of the world. The sky is the stage, and the stars are your audience. It's okay even if it's a dream. It (It? What? The dream? How does a dream tell you something?) tells you that you're sound asleep.
You feel stuck inside four walls with only a square (How big is the square? Why would you have a square under your feet?) under your feet. They (Who?) come closer to you every day and you feel scared. You've been trapped in for a long time, but remember it is just a small hole when you look down from the sky. You're just standing in a poor hole. Break out of the walls. ~~Maybe~~ They might be sheets of paper. Crawl into the sky and see how much you can do. You'll find your own thing, ~~unlike~~ though you think you can't do anything.
Your days are long and filled with pain because you can't get ("get"? How?) the nights. You feel tired, exhausted, and sleepy, but you can't sleep. You just want to fall into the night. The world gives you a hard time, but ("But" isn't logical here.) it doesn't offer you the night. They (Who?) stole all your nights. They took your stability and relaxing breaths. Why all weakness and anxiety turn to lights, (What? How?) but your exhaustion and peace don't stay in the night.(Confusing) You can't even sleep during the day. You wish you would die for a week. Lying down just in darkness makes you think of many things. One day it might start to eat you. Probably it's already ~~been~~ started. It might have been nibbling ~~from~~ at your fingertips.

I hope this helps you. I did enjoy reading your writing.

Domdom · Answer

Thank you for reading and enjoying my writing! I'm so glad. I wrote it from my trouble sleeping. When I'm awake during the midnight, I think of anything which might not be big things. It sometimes makes me worry and feel nervous. But it could be nothing serious when I remember it in the future.

Englishmaven. It (What do you mean when you say, "It"?) would be just a spot of black from black spot in the sky.

. "It" in this sentence = The darkness you float in. You feel painful that you can't sleep at night but it's nothing serious when you look down from the sky.

EnglishmavenThe world is so big and great. It has a variety of things. (This sentence ["It has a variety of things"] needs to be developed. It - what? "Things" is so vague. What is the point you are making with this sentence?)

It has a variety of things = A variety of things happen in the world. You can see many interesting things and have experiences.

Englishmaventhe boys jumping into the sky and the birds swimming under(What is under the sea? Earth. This is confusing.) the sea.

The birds swimming under the sea = I didn't expect that it would be a problem!@_@ So are "in the sea" or "under the water" correct? They all sound similar for me. Confused.

Englishmaven It (It? What? The dream? How does a dream tell you something?) tells you that you're sound asleep.

It = The previous line. I probably had to say "It means you're sound asleep".

EnglishmavenYou feel stuck inside four walls with only a square (How big is the square? Why would you have a square under your feet?) under your feet.

= I feel like I'm trapped in a very small space. So it looks like I'm standing in a small square and there are four walls around me. The walls are surrounding me very closely. It can be described with 'Stuffy'(?).

EnglishmavenThey (Who?) come closer to you every day and you feel scared.

They = The four walls.

Englishmaven you can't get ("get"? How?) the nights.

I used 'get' because I wanted this sentence to sound poetic or something like that. I was trying to say "You can't have/take the nights" or something. The nights don't belong to you. = You can't sleep at night. Insomnia.

EnglishmavenThe world gives you a hard time, but ("But" isn't logical here.) it doesn't offer you the night.

= The world have to let you relax and sleep at night because you spent the day on working hard or something. People sleep at night to get out of being tired after work or something tirying. But why can't you sleep at night in spite of working hard?
I don't understand why "But" isn't local here. ;(

Englishmaven Why all weakness and anxiety turn to lights, (What? How?) but your exhaustion and peace don't stay in the night.(Confusing)

= I just wrote this to sound poetic. You feel anxious and hate weakness inside you during the day. You can only get out of them while you sleep at night but you still can't sleep and forget them at night because you have trouble sleeping. You want to get out of exhaustion and feel peaceful by sleeping at night but you can't because you have trouble sleeping.

Can you check my writing, please?

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