can you check my short story.

Question

I was just passing through and thought to stop by Allison's house. I walked into the doorstop and rang the bell. I paused momentarily, and knock on the door. I had to do it few times.  But no one answered. She must be here, because her car was in the garage. She never goes anyway without her car. So I decide to get into the house through the kitchen window. As soon as I get into the kitchen, I heard a noise. It is as if someone is mourning. I headed to her room right away. She was lying on the bed. Her face paled, and she is not looking good. Suddenly, I saw a shadow in the window. Someone was peering through the window, and at that instant, I heard police car pulling over the outside house. Looks like the neighbor saw I had got into the house through the window, must have thought I was a theft, and called the cops. Unfortunately, for me, I almost got arrested that day. but not for my friend. I saved her life. That day will live in my memory as long as I live.

KrisBlueNZ · Accepted Answer

I was just passing through and thought to stop by Allison's house. I walked ~~into~~ [up] to the ~~doorstop~~ doorstep and rang the bell. I paused ~~momentarily~~ suggest briefly , and ~~knock~~ knocked on the door. I ~~had to do it~~ knocked ~~few~~ several times. But no one answered.

Sentences are pretty short; many of them could be combined. There's unnecessary detail (there's no need to mention that you walked up to the doorstep).

She must be here, because her car was in the garage. She never goes anyway without her car.

There is a problem with tense here. The phrase "She must be here" is actually what you were thinking at the time; that time is now in the past, so you have to use past tense:

I thought that she must have been there, because her car was in the garage.

Alternatively, you can put your thoughts (at the time) into words:

"She must be here," I thought, "because her car is in the garage."

Here, I thought is past tense, and the words that you actually thought are enclosed in quotation marks and are expressed in present tense. I also had to change "her car was in the garage" to "her car is in the garage" so that it's in present tense as well.

So I ~~decide~~ decided to get into the house through the kitchen window. As soon as I ~~get~~ got into the kitchen, I heard a noise. It is was as if someone is was mourning. I headed to her room right away. She was lying on the bed. Her face ~~paled~~ was pale, and she is was not looking good.

OK so far; just tense mismatches.

Suddenly, I saw a shadow in on the window.

This one is arguable. I think the shadow would have fallen on the window pane, so you should use on. If you see something in the window, that really means that you saw it through the window; that it was outside.

Someone was peering through the window, and at that instant, I heard a police car pulling ~~over~~ up ~~the outside~~ outside the house.

Google "pull over vs. pull up" (without the quotes).

~~Looks like~~ Apparently, ~~the~~ a neighbor ~~saw~~ had seen that I had got into the house or me climbing through the window, ~~must have~~ thought I was a ~~theft~~ thief or burglar, and called the cops. Unfortunately, (no comma here) for me,

Many issues here. Looks like is present tense, and in any case, the full phrase is It looks like. You could say It looked like, but this is not idiomatic. Better to use Apparently, or It seemed that or something similar.

I almost got arrested that day. but not for my friend.

I think you're trying to say "I would have been arrested that day, had it not been for my friend." In other words, if your friend hadn't been there to tell the cops that you were a friend and not a burglar, the cops would have arrested you. Alternatively you could just say "I was almost arrested that day." and drop the bit about your friend. But then you would have to mention her in the next sentence.

I saved her life. That day will live in my memory as long as I live.

That's OK.

Many of your word and phrasing choices are not what I would use, but I've only marked the ones that are clearly wrong.

One more thing. In the first sentence you identify your friend as Allison, but subsequently you refer to her as just your friend. I would use her name consistently.

Anonymous · Answer

(I got a paper bag and breathe hard) does this make sense PLEASE Help

KrisBlueNZ · Answer

No it doesn't, and neither does hijacking someone else's thread with an unrelated question.

Post your question separately in a new thread.

You are more likely to get answers if you get a username and set up a profile on this web site.

Peek · Answer

Thanks. I appreciate your help. it's a great encouragement, and can you kindly check this short passage too.

I was walking along the sidewalk, and sun was peeping out from the clouds. It was about 6.00 AM, and was getting light as usual. I saw two kids were fighting with each other about their breakfast. The conflicts between those two kids were getting more and more often, not only at the breakfast, at all the time, particularly at the school. They spent several days per week in the detention when they were at the school. Even though their father was a principal at another school, he was not able to teach them some discipline. Those two were always trying to get into trouble. I walked past the house, thinking, what kind of adults they would grow up into when they become teens. As usual, I stopped at the coffee shop, grabbed a hot coffee, and continued my daily routing

KrisBlueNZ · Answer

I was walking along the sidewalk, and the sun was peeping out from the clouds. It was about 6.00 AM a.m., and the sky was getting light as usual. I saw two kids ~~were~~ fighting ~~with each other~~ (unnecessary) ~~about~~ over ~~their~~ ~~breakfast~~ food.
(Suggest new paragraph here)

~~The conflicts between those two kids~~ Their fights were ~~getting~~ happening more and more or increasingly often,; (semicolon not comma) not only at ~~the~~ breakfast, but at all the time, and particularly at ~~the~~ school. They spent several days per week in ~~the~~ detention ~~when they were at the school~~ (unnecessary). Even though their father was a the principal at of another school, he was not able to ~~teach them some discipline~~ discipline them or make them behave. ~~Those two~~ They were always trying to get into trouble.
(Suggest new paragraph here)
I walked past the house, thinking, (no comma here) about what kind of adults they would grow up into ~~when they become teens~~. As usual, I stopped at the coffee shop, grabbed a hot coffee, and continued my daily routing routine . (period here)

Anonymous · Answer

I need a Open response help me

KrisBlueNZ · Answer

I don't understand what you're asking for.

You'll get more help if you register with the site and set up a username and profile. Many people on this site prefer to help users with usernames and profiles, rather than anonymous users.

You should ask your questions more politely. Remember that we are all volunteers. If you're rude, many of us will ignore you.

Do not hijack existing threads for new purposes. Start a new thread.

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can you check my short story.

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