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Rcook11x Posted 11 years ago
Grammar
Can someone please review this?
Can you please review my short personal statement for the scholorship committee? Any input is appreciated! 
In the future I aspire to become a Physical Therapist from majoring in Biomedical Engineering. I seek to do this because if I combine my advanced training from Biomedical Engineering and Physical therapy I will be able to improve rehabilitation therapies and technologies for patients with recent sports injuries or movement disorders. Unfortunately, (CURRENT COLLEGE) does not offer a Biomedical Engineering degree. So I plan on pursuing this degree, once I get my Associate in Arts degree from (CURRENT COLLEGE), at either (UNIVERSITY 1), (UNIVERSITY 2), or (UNIVERSITY 3).
I am currently working part-time at my church, as well as, volunteering on Sundays. However, it has still been struggle to cover my finances on my own. Receiving a scholarship would be extremely beneficial in helping to alleviate the burden of having to pay for my college tuition at (CURRENT COLLEGE) on my own, while also providing me with the opportunity to save money for future expenses at University. That being said, if I were to receive a scholarship I would commit myself to effectively taking advantage of the opportunity that it provided.
In the future I aspire to become a Physical Therapist from majoring in Biomedical Engineering. I seek to do this because if I combine my advanced training from Biomedical Engineering and Physical therapy I will be able to improve rehabilitation therapies and technologies for patients with recent sports injuries or movement disorders. Unfortunately, (CURRENT COLLEGE) does not offer a Biomedical Engineering degree. So I plan on pursuing this degree, once I get my Associate in Arts degree from (CURRENT COLLEGE), at either (UNIVERSITY 1), (UNIVERSITY 2), or (UNIVERSITY 3).
I am currently working part-time at my church, as well as, volunteering on Sundays. However, it has still been struggle to cover my finances on my own. Receiving a scholarship would be extremely beneficial in helping to alleviate the burden of having to pay for my college tuition at (CURRENT COLLEGE) on my own, while also providing me with the opportunity to save money for future expenses at University. That being said, if I were to receive a scholarship I would commit myself to effectively taking advantage of the opportunity that it provided.
Top answer
In the future I aspire to become a Physical Therapist after earning a degree in in Biomedical Engineering. I seek to do this because if I combine my advanced training from knowledge of Biomedical Engineering and Physical therapy I will be able to improve rehabilitation therapies and technologies for patients with recent sports injuries or movement disorders. Unfortunately, (CURRENT COLLEGE) does not offer a Biomedical Engineering degree.
- In the future I aspire to become a Physical Therapist after earning a degree in in Biomedical Engineering.
- I seek to do this because if I combine my advanced training from knowledge of Biomedical Engineering and Physical therapy I will be able to improve rehabilitation therapies and technologies for patients with recent sports injuries or movement disorders.
- Unfortunately, (CURRENT COLLEGE) does not offer a Biomedical Engineering degree.
- So I plan on pursuing this degree, once I get my Associate in Arts degree from (CURRENT COLLEGE), at either (UNIVERSITY 1), (UNIVERSITY 2), or (UNIVERSITY 3).
- I am currently working part-time at my church, as well as (no comma) volunteering on Sundays.
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5 Answers
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In the future I aspire to become a Physical Therapist after earning a degree in in Biomedical Engineering. I seek to do this because if I combine my advanced training from knowledge of Biomedical Engineering and Physical therapy I will be able to improve rehabilitation therapies and technologies for patients with recent sports injuries or movement disorders. Unfortunately,
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rcook11xThanks, I really appreciate the help!This "motivation letter" is not particularly motivating. If I were on the scholarship committee, I would not be very impressed.
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Thank you for your constructive criticism. In the directions for the scholarship application it told us to write a brief personal statement, and the examples they provided were only two to three sentences long. I'm not sure if they were looking for it to be motivating. I think they're just looking to learn more about me, my educational goals, and how the scholarship will help continue my education
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Why do you want to be a physical therapist? Do you have an interesting story on how you came to your decision?
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