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Anonymous Posted 16 years ago
Essay & Composition Writing
Can someone please help me make revisions to my college essay?
i'm in the process of applying to Duquesne University. I wrote my essay and now i need help revising it. any help would be greatly appreciate. thanks so much!
"It's not the events of our lives that shape us, but our beliefs as to what those events mean." -Tony Robbins. I knew what I wanted to do with my life after my aunt, uncle and grandfather were diagnosed with cancer in 2006. Living with my grandfather I always saw the prescription packaging and information for the different medicines he used. As soon as he was done with the medicine, he would give me the empty bottle and information because I loved researching what each drug did for the body and it's properties. After doing this for over a year, i realized how important medicine and pharmacology can be for survival.
After becoming so interested in pharmacy, I contacted a pharmacist at a nearby Walgreens and completed a job shadow. From that experience I think the most important thing that I learned is that pharmacists form outstanding relationships with their patients and sincerely care about aiding each one of them. I can relate to this because i love assisting others and giving back to the community. I have been part of Big Brothers Big Sisters for years and help tutor elementary school kids. Pharmacy school will help me pursue a career that needs the qualities that I already have.
Not only would Duquesne University be great for me to pursue a career in pharmacy, it would also allow me to continue my spiritual beliefs. I am currently part of my church's youth group and love being involved within my church. During the summer of 2009, I went to New Orleans with the youth group and helped rebuild a Hurricane Katrina victim's house for an entire week. I know that attending Duquesne University will allow me to stay in touch with my spiritual beliefs even though I will not be worshipping at the church in my hometown.
Duquesne University's commitment to professional education will allow me to grow as a person and in my future studies. Attending this university will help me achieve a high devotion to my studies. I know that Duquesne University will be able to provide me with a unique perception into the world of pharmacology and will properly prepare me to become a professional in dispensing drugs.
"It's not the events of our lives that shape us, but our beliefs as to what those events mean." -Tony Robbins. I knew what I wanted to do with my life after my aunt, uncle and grandfather were diagnosed with cancer in 2006. Living with my grandfather I always saw the prescription packaging and information for the different medicines he used. As soon as he was done with the medicine, he would give me the empty bottle and information because I loved researching what each drug did for the body and it's properties. After doing this for over a year, i realized how important medicine and pharmacology can be for survival.
After becoming so interested in pharmacy, I contacted a pharmacist at a nearby Walgreens and completed a job shadow. From that experience I think the most important thing that I learned is that pharmacists form outstanding relationships with their patients and sincerely care about aiding each one of them. I can relate to this because i love assisting others and giving back to the community. I have been part of Big Brothers Big Sisters for years and help tutor elementary school kids. Pharmacy school will help me pursue a career that needs the qualities that I already have.
Not only would Duquesne University be great for me to pursue a career in pharmacy, it would also allow me to continue my spiritual beliefs. I am currently part of my church's youth group and love being involved within my church. During the summer of 2009, I went to New Orleans with the youth group and helped rebuild a Hurricane Katrina victim's house for an entire week. I know that attending Duquesne University will allow me to stay in touch with my spiritual beliefs even though I will not be worshipping at the church in my hometown.
Duquesne University's commitment to professional education will allow me to grow as a person and in my future studies. Attending this university will help me achieve a high devotion to my studies. I know that Duquesne University will be able to provide me with a unique perception into the world of pharmacology and will properly prepare me to become a professional in dispensing drugs.
Top answer
Here are my suggestions. The cross-outs are the original wordings; the boldface are my new wordings; the brackets are my notes. " -Tony Robbins.
- Here are my suggestions.
- The cross-outs are the original wordings; the boldface are my new wordings; the brackets are my notes.
- " -Tony Robbins.
- [new paragraph] I knew what I wanted to do with my life after my aunt, uncle and grandfather were diagnosed with cancer in 2006.
- Living with my grandfather , I always saw the prescription packaging and information for the different medicines he used.
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1 Answers
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Here are my suggestions. The cross-outs are the original wordings; the boldface are my new wordings; the brackets are my notes.
"It's not the events of our lives that shape us, but our beliefs as to what those events mean." -Tony Robbins. [new paragraph]
I knew what I wanted to do with my life after my aunt, uncle and grandfather were diagnosed with cancer in 2006
"It's not the events of our lives that shape us, but our beliefs as to what those events mean." -Tony Robbins. [new paragraph]
I knew what I wanted to do with my life after my aunt, uncle and grandfather were diagnosed with cancer in 2006
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