Can someone please gives feedback for my IELTS writing task 1. Thank you so much

Question

The line graph gives information about the percentages of employment in services, agriculture, and industry in South Korea from 1981 to 2001.

Overall, it is clear that the employment rate had been the largest in service over the 30-year period. It is also evident that employment in services experienced the increase, while two other sectors tended to fall.

Looking at the graph more closely, one can see that, in service, the proportions of workers dramatically increased. In 1981, this figure was approximately 40%, about 10% higher than in industry, which was the least employment rate. By the end of the period, the service’s employment portion soared quickly, reaching a peak of nearly 70%.

In terms of two other sectors, by 1991, the worker's rate in agriculture plummeted significantly by almost 15% to 20%, by contrast, there was an upward trend in the industry. This sector witnessed a moderate rise, outraced the agriculture before reaching the highest point at around 35%. From 1991 to 2001, the percentage of workers in these sectors dropped heavily. In this time, the industry’s employment rate went down to about 25%, almost equal to what it was in 1981. Similarly, the figure for agriculture hit the low-point of 5% by the end of the period, as the lowest rate among the three sectors.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

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Please read my advice for Task 1 essays. You can use it to fix your essay.

IELTS TASK 1: Hints, Tips And Advice

Vocabulary Words For Task 1: Reference Post

Fatiguemonkey · Answer

The graph below shows the proportions of workers in three different sectors in South Korea between 1981 and 2011.

The line graph gives information about the percentages of employment in services, agriculture, and industry in South Korea from 1981 to 2001.

Overall, it is clear that the employment rate had been the largest in service over the 30-year period. It is also evident that employment in services experienced the increase, while two other sectors tended to fall.

Looking at the graph more closely, one can see that, in service, the proportions of workers dramatically increased. In 1981, this figure was approximately 40%, about 10% higher than in industry, which was the least employment rate. By the end of the period, the service’s employment portion soared quickly, reaching a peak of nearly 70%.

In terms of two other sectors, by 1991, the worker's rate in agriculture plummeted significantly by almost 15% to 20%, by contrast, there was an upward trend in the industry. This sector witnessed a moderate rise, outraced the agriculture before reaching the highest point at around 35%. From 1991 to 2001, the percentage of workers in these sectors dropped heavily. In this time, the industry’s employment rate went down to about 25%, almost equal to what it was in 1981. Similarly, the figure for agriculture hit the low-point of 5% by the end of the period, as the lowest rate among the three sectors.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Please read my advice for Task 1 essays:

IELTS TASK 1: Hints, Tips And Advice

Vocabulary Words For Task 1: Reference Post

AlpheccaStars · Answer

If you read my advice, you will not make so many vocabulary errors. If you would like a sample essay, you may request one.

The line graph gives i~~nformation about~~ (Vague. In math and engineering, it is critical to be precise and exact. "Information about" is very nebulous and vague. It could be anything. ) the percentages of workers employed in three sectors: ~~of employment in~~ services, agriculture, and industry in South Korea from 1981 to 2001.

Overall, ~~it is clear that~~ (Delete. Read my advice about these useless, uninformative dummy-it clauses.) the employment rate (That is incorrect. The employment rate is a statistical measure of a county's economy. It measures the proportion of people in a country who are working.

This is an error in the title of the graph. Many students get defective Task 1 practice essays that are written by non-native speakers without a solid education in math and science. It is a shame because these defective essays teach the learners incorrect English. See this definition of "employment rate." It is a well-known statistical term with a particular definition.

https://ec.europa.eu/eurostat/statistics-explained/index.php?title=Glossary:Employment_rate

) had been the largest in the service sector over the 30-year period. ~~It is also evident that~~ employment in services experienced (Wrong word. Read my advice on vocabulary for task 1) the increase, while two other sectors tended to fall.

You missed the main feature of this graph. That is, the sum of the percentages in all three sectors always added up to 100%. These three sectors represented the entire economy. Of course, the rise in one of the three must be offset by an equal decline in the other two. You did not recognize this important and fundamental mathematical relationship.

~~Looking at the graph more closely,~~ (Delete. These are useless words. They convey no information at all. There is only one graph...) ~~one can see that,~~ in the service sector, the proportions (singular) of workers dramatically increased. In 1981, ~~this figure~~ (wrong word. Read my advice) it was approximately 40%, about 10% higher than in industry, which was the least employment rate. (Incorrect. Read my advice about the word "rate" which is very often not used correctly) By the end of the period, the service’s employment portion (unnatural. Bad phrasing) soared (Incorrect. Read my advice about using "drama" words) quickly, reaching a peak (Incorrect. Read my advice about the word "peak" which is very often not used correctly) of nearly 70%.

In terms of two other sectors, by 1991, the worker's rate in agriculture plummeted significantly by almost 15% to 20%, (comma splice error) by contrast, there was an upward trend in the industry. (incorrect phrasing) This sector witnessed (Incorrect. Read my advice about the word "witness" which incorrect in the Task 1 context, along with experience and see. Numbers do not experience things, nor do they witness things.)a moderate rise, outraced (wrong word) the agriculture (incorrect phrasing) before reaching the highest point at around 35%. From 1991 to 2001, the percentage of workers in these sectors dropped heavily. (Not a good word. It does not have a weight.) In this time, the industry’s employment rate went down to about 25%, almost equal to what it was in 1981. Similarly, the figure for agriculture hit the low-point of 5% by the end of the period, as the lowest rate among the three sectors.

Can someone please gives feedback for my IELTS writing task 1. Thank you so much

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