Can someone please gives feedback for my IELTS writing task 1. Thank you so much

Question

Question: The chart below shows the total number of minutes (in billions) of telephone call in the UK, divided into three categories, from 1995-2002.Summarise the information by selecting a reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant The given bar chart illustrates the total amount of time in billions of telephone calls in the UK of three different categories between 1995 and 2002.Overall it is clear that the local-fixed line by far the most popular category compared to others in question. Also, both national and international fixed-line and mobiles did experience an increase over the eight-year period.Looking at the graph more closely, one can see that there were significant changes in the time spent on the local-fixed line. This figure ascended gradually in the first four years, reaching the highest point of 90 billion minutes in 1999. However, the total minutes of local-fixed lines went down by the end of the period, which was roughly equal to what it was in 1995.Follow by, the overall number of minutes that the British spent for national and international – fixed-line shows the gradually increased, which gained almost five more billion minutes every one year. Besides, the amount of time spent on mobile calls was approximately five times higher by the last year. Therefore, the gap between it and others had narrowed over the period in question.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Please read my advice for Task 1 essays:

IELTS TASK 1: Hints, Tips And Advice

Vocabulary Words For Task 1: Reference Post

AlpheccaStars · Answer

The ~~given~~ (Unnatural. Do not use "given", "provided" or other past participles. ) bar chart illustrates (wrong verb. Read my advice) the total amount of time in billions of telephone calls (incorrect expression) in the UK of three different categories (what are they? Read my advice.) between 1995 and 2002.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Overall ~~it is clear~~ ~~that~~ (Delete) the local-fixed line by far the most popular (wrong word. Popular means that people like it.) category compared to others in question. (The reader is confused. You have not named the others. Poor cohesion and coherence) Also, both national and international fixed-line and mobiles did experience (wrong verb. read my advice. Phone lines do not have experiences. ) an increase over the eight-year period.

~~Looking at the graph more closely, one can see that~~ (Unnecessary verbiage. Delete) there were significant changes in the amount of time spent on the local-fixed line. ~~This figure~~ (wrong word) ascended gradually in the first four years, reaching the highest point of 90 billion minutes in 1999. However, it ~~the total minutes of local-fixed lines~~ (Learn how to use pronouns to avoid awkward repetition) went down by the end of the period, which was roughly equal to what it was in 1995.

(You do not need a new paragraph. Read my advice on the outline for these essays.)

Follow by, (Not an English expression) the overall number of minutes that the British spent for national and international – fixed-line shows the gradually increased, (ungrammatical) which gained almost five more billion minutes each ~~every~~ ~~one~~ year. Besides, the amount of time spent on mobile calls was approximately five times higher (That what?) by the last year. Therefore, the gap between it and others had narrowed over the period (shown.) ~~in question.~~ (Not a good phrase. You do not need anything.)

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Sample essay:

You will get a lot of extra points for doing simple arithmetic, rather than just copying numbers from the chart.

Paragraph 1: Describe the figure. Tell the reader about the different categories to improve coherence and cohesion to the next paragraphs.

Paragraph 2: Point out two or three significant points without going into details. Note I have summed all categories. You get more credit for combining groups together.

Paragraph 3: Focus on some details with particular data values.

The time-series bar chart compares the total minutes of telephone calls each year in the UK over the eight-year period from 1995 to 2002. Totals are shown for three types of call: Local (from a fixed line), International / national (from a fixed line) and mobile calls to all destinations.

Overall, the total time that people spent on all telephone calls increased substantially over the period. Local fixed lines always accounted for the largest proportion, with international/national fixed line calls being second and mobile calls third.

The total number of minutes started at 112 billion in 1995, going up to 150 billion in 1999, and ending at 175 billion in 2002. However, the increase was not equally proportioned across all three services; in particular, mobile phones represented less than 5% percent in 1995 and markedly increased their share of the total. The use of local fixed lines for calls peaked in 1998-1999 with close to 90 billion minutes in each of these years. After 1999, the decline in these calls of approximately 20 billion minutes was more than offset by an increase of 30 billion minutes in mobile calls. Fixed-line national / international calls increased steadily by about 3.2 billion minutes annually throughout this time, starting at 38 and ending at 62 billion minutes.

Can someone please gives feedback for my IELTS writing task 1. Thank you so much

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